


You're the boss

by aftereighteen



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: AU, Kid Fic, M/M, Slow Build, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:12:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 57,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftereighteen/pseuds/aftereighteen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Michael is Michael and Ryan is a male nanny (aka: Reezy Poppins)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 contains shades of Phelps/OFC

“Use your key!” Michael yells in the direction of the door from his position at the kitchen table.

The knocking persists. Michael glances around the kitchen, taking in the mess and the fresh baby food up the wall. It was bad enough that his mom had abandoned him with no warning a week before, but now that she’d decided to show up again she’d forgotten her keys? He realised it was better than nothing, picked the baby up out of her high chair and headed for the door.

“Thank god she’s back, hey?” he says to the little girl. “You and me alone is not working out well.”

He opened the door, still looking at the baby cradled against his hip, talking now to his mother, “What happened, mom? I was getting worried and the house...”

“Uh. Clearly I’m not who you were expecting,” a male voice answers.

Michael looks up, startled, to find himself staring at a man of about his own age who has three suitcases at his feet.

“Or you’ve got the wrong house,” Michael suggests.

The man glanced at his phone and at the number on Michael’s front door. “No, this is it. You’re Mr Phelps, right?” he clarifies. He looks then at the baby in Michael’s arms and starts to smile, “Which makes you Lucy.”

Michael protectively turns his body away, shielding his daughter from the strange man on his doorstep. He frantically wonders how he can call the Police without his stalker figuring out what he’s up to.

But the man extends his hand to shake Michael’s. “I’m Ryan,” he announces, “I had an interview last week on Skype and here I am.”

This doesn’t help Michael at all. “An interview with who?”

“Well... I assume she must’ve been this little lady’s grandma,” Ryan smiles ruefully. “She seemed a little stressed out if I’m honest. Wanted someone to start as soon as possible and apparently I fit the bill.”

“Start what?” Michael’s wondering if the sleep deprivation and lack of personal time is making him stupid.

“As your nanny!” Ryan smiles. “Well, manny, I guess, but I don’t really like that term. Bit sexist.”

Michael’s jaw drops. “And how much is this costing me?”

Ryan raises an eyebrow. “Dude. You’re my new boss, so I shouldn’t, uh, criticise and whatnot, but you definitely look like you need me. So I really don’t think you’re in a position to be negotiating on this.”

Michael mouths like the fish everyone thinks he is. “And are you going to tell me that those are full of toys and food and baby-whispering shit?” he asks, indicating Ryan’s luggage.

“No, I’m gonna tell you that I – against my better judgment – requested live-in given that this was an emergency move which meant I had to cut my between-jobs vacation short and come up here right away,” Ryan explains, as if Michael’s an idiot. “No, I’m not cheap. Yes, I am on call twenty four seven. We gonna carry on arguing or are you gonna let me get to work?”

Ryan doesn’t wait for an answer, just hauls his suitcases into the house, scoops the baby out of Mike’s arms and begins striding through the house, finding his way around. When he reaches the kitchen, he settles Lucy back in her chair, picks up a cloth and places it over his shoulder sitting down opposite the startled baby to resume feeding her.

As he competently spoons food into Lucy, Ryan runs Michael through his duties. “I was told you were struggling, but I feel like that was something of an understatement,” he begins, surveying the chaos around him. “Just to clarify, I’m a nanny, that means I take care of your kid. I’m not a housekeeper, I don’t clean up after you or cook for you. I don’t do your laundry, I don’t organise your diary and I don’t look after your guests. I look after Lucy pretty much whenever you want me to, make sure she’s clean and clothed and fed and attends any activities you want her to do. I stick to the rules you set about stuff like TV and food, I make sure she’s supervised whenever she needs it, that sort of thing.”

He glances up at Mike as he wipes Lucy’s face and picks her up. “The cleaners should be here soon – you’ve got three coming today and once they’ve straightened the place out, one of them will come once a week,” Ryan continues. “I have four days – two of those being on the same weekend – and one additional evening – which means you take over at four thirty – off per month. I’ll need access to a car at all times whilst I’m on duty and if there’s anything else I need, I’ll be asking. You got any questions?”

Michael can’t find his voice, so settles for shaking his head. There are a lot of questions he wants to ask of this guy: he’s shocked that some of them are rational, parent-type competency questions which he hadn’t realised he was attached enough to this baby to want to ask. But yeah, words aren’t working for Mike right now.

“So I just... leave you with her?” he manages.

“Yup,” Ryan replies simply. “You’re free as a bird. I have your schedule, I’ve picked out my days off for the three month trial period around your commitments, you don’t have to do a thing until next Friday night.”

Mike can’t quite believe that there are people in the world who do this, who will take your baby out of your arms and relieve you of the responsibility – though presumably this service isn’t cheap. But right now, he’s pretty desperate and more than happy for this apparently willing person to take over.

Ryan’s jiggling Lucy on his hip, tickling her cheek and getting to know her. “Um, I’m not your secretary or anything, but I do know that you have a meeting to get to this afternoon, so you might want to,” Ryan pauses to run his eyes over Michael, “shower. And get dressed in something more appropriate.”

Michael’s about to be offended that he’s being judged by his unexpected nanny when he realises for the first time that Ryan’s actually very well turned out. Especially considering Lucy will probably puke on him at least twice before she goes down for the night.

“Though before you go,” Ryan says, “does she have a schedule?”

Mike raises an eyebrow. Ryan nods in understanding. “Right, stupid question.” He turns to the baby again, “Well then, little lady, it’s up to us to figure that out. Shall we go check out your toys?”

Without missing a beat or turning to check with Michael, Ryan carries Lucy upstairs, finds the nursery and shuts the door.

*

Two weeks later, Michael’s house and life are in better order than they were _before_ he had a baby. He calls his mother and thanks her for hiring Ryan. He also idly thinks that maybe he should’ve had a drunken, unprotected one night stand with a college student years before if this was what it did to his life.

He reconsiders these thoughts as Ryan gathers his stuff at the door to leave at eight o’clock on a Friday night.

“Where are you going?” Michael asks, a little panicked. He’d been busying himself to go out whilst Ryan settled Lucy in her crib for the night.

“Uh,” Ryan says distractedly. “Out. It’s my weekend off. I like to stay away, give my clients time with their kids. And give myself time to chill properly. I’ll be back after she’s down on Sunday night, but I’ll be on duty from the minute I’m back.”

“Right,” Michael replies, wondering first what to do about his date and then what he’s going to do alone with Lucy for forty eight hours. He gives himself a shake, reminds himself that he’s her father and he managed – well, didn’t kill his daughter or himself – for a week before Ryan showed up.

Ryan’s in front of him, handing over few sheets of paper. Michael looks up at him. “What’s this?”

“I, um, took the liberty of preparing a few things for you,” Ryan says quietly. Then, in a rush, “You don’t have to stick to it, you’re her dad and you can do whatever you want with her, but this really is best for her, I think. I’ve spent two weeks figuring her out and helping her get into a routine which suits her and is helping her to thrive. But if you’ve already planned stuff, that’s cool. No harm in her having two days off, I can get her back on track next week no problem.”

He pauses to breathe. “Have fun, yeah? She’s a great kid.”

Mike watches Ryan’s face, though Ryan’s avoiding his gaze, and could swear that the nanny is blushing just a little. But he can’t tell for sure because the next thing he knows, Ryan’s quietly slipped out of the house and into the freedom of his weekend off.

*

Twenty seven hours later, Michael regrets ignoring Ryan’s schedule. He also regrets forgetting that the chick he’s invited round is a total screamer – something he loves but Lucy isn’t so into. The girl’s cries only drown out the baby’s for a few minutes before she stops and is looking at him like he’s killed someone. It takes her actually climbing off and hunting for her clothes before Mike sits up.

“Just gimme a minute, yeah?” he asks, snaking his arms around her and trying to tug her bra off. “I’ll be right back.”

The girl rolls her eyes, snatches her bra away and finishes dressing, leaving the house as quickly as possible. Michael sighs and flops back down on the bed. Lucy’s screams have petered out to the occasional whimper from down the hall and his dick isn’t satisfied, so he starts to jack off. Just as he’s conjuring up a decent mental image to get himself off to, the baby cranks up the volume again and this time the mood is gone.

As Mike pulls some underwear on and heads down the hall to the nursery, he checks his watch. Just twenty one hours until Ryan returns.

*

Michael doesn’t fuck with Ryan’s routine after that. A month later, he even realises the routine is doing him some good too. He’s able to plan his life, still see his daughter a little around all the work he does, takes her off Ryan some nights to kiss her goodnight and put her down to sleep.

Sometimes, Michael gets bored on conference calls and wanders out of his office on the phone to find Ryan playing with Lucy or feeding her some lunch or showing her something in the backyard. A couple of times, Ryan uses his psychic sense to pick up on Michael’s need for a coffee, and hands him a mug made just the way he likes it without a word. Other times, he plasters on a big grin, points Lucy in Mike’s direction and points, encouraging her to say “da-da”, congratulating her the first time she manages it. 

One day, Lucy’s not feeling so hot, and although Ryan managed to get some lunch into her, she pretty much brings it straight back up. Mike’s glad he walked in when he did and not ninety seconds beforehand, because Ryan’s shirt is covered in puke and Lucy’s screaming, but somehow Ryan’s soothing the baby and unbuttoning his shirt simultaneously discarding it in the laundry pile and how has it taken Michael nearly two months to notice that Ryan’s so _ripped_?

Michael makes his excuses and leaves the conference call whilst giving himself a shake and pulling his gaze away from Ryan’s impressive biceps.

“Here,” he says, “let me take her.”

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s cool, I’m already covered, it was probably a mistake trying to feed her anyways. I’ll give her a bath, might make her feel better. You have an appearance to get to.”

Michael looks at his watch and swears under his breath. Ryan’s right, he has somewhere to be. He bites his lip, watching Ryan try to soothe his fussing daughter. “You sure you’re ok?”

Ryan laughs. “Six weeks in and you finally want to see my credentials?”

Michael blushes. “No, just, er... It’s fine. Call me if she gets worse, yeah? I’ll come straight home.”

“We’ll be fine,” Ryan reassures him. “I’ll get her to drink something and try some Tylenol and if that doesn’t work I’ve got a secret Lochte trick up my sleeve to try. Totally safe, don’t worry.”

Michael must still look dubious so Ryan continues. “Dude, I’m qualified. It’s just a little bug, if she’s any worse, I’ll take her straight to her doctor, ok?”

Michael nods and lets Ryan go upstairs to fix Lucy up.

He gets through the appearance, trying not to check his phone every five minutes worriedly. He again wonders if Ryan has a sixth sense when, halfway through the afternoon, he gets a message from the nanny informing him that Lucy’s not feverish and has kept some fluids down and is napping.

Michael is surprised to find Ryan passed out on the couch when he gets home late in the evening and tries not to wake the other man. He forgets that Ryan’s a nanny on duty and, even whilst sleeping, is hyper-alert.

Ryan wakes up as soon as Mike tries to creep through to the kitchen and tugs his sweats straight in embarrassment. The most causal Mike’s seen Ryan look is in gym gear, and most of the time that’s because he’s returning from a run or from a walk with Lucy and the dogs.

“Sorry,” Ryan mumbles, “didn’t mean to fall asleep down here, I’m gonna go to bed, didn’t realise it was so late.”

“It’s cool,” Michael smiles. “Did you get something to eat?”

Ryan considers this question with a frown and eventually shakes his head. “Lucy went down at six but was up every forty five minutes until nine thirty so I kinda didn’t get that far.”

“So you’re not Mary Poppins after all,” Mike teases.

Ryan rubs a hand through his hair, stretching his arms and back out as he stands up. “As I recall, even Mary Poppins is only practically perfect, so I think I’m allowed some leeway.”

Michael’s quick to apologise. “I was just messing. Do you want some takeout? I have way too much.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow, “An Olympic swimmer who can’t eat?”

“Former Olympic swimmer,” Michael corrects, continuing through to the kitchen to hide his blushes. “Can’t eat like one if I’m not doing the yardage.”

“As if you’ve put on a pound,” Ryan mutters.

Michael ends the conversation there and busies himself dishing up the food, forcing a plate on Ryan and grabbing two beers from the fridge. He sits down at the table and gestures for Ryan to do the same. “C’mon,” he insists, “you’ve been living here and looking after my kid for six weeks and I still don’t know you, never bothered to interview you. So let’s do it.”

“Ok,” Ryan agrees, sitting down and starting to eat. “What do you want to know?”

“Where are you from?” Michael begins. “What made you want to be a nanny? Where were you before you came here? What are your family like?”

Ryan starts laughing. “Slow down! Jeez. You learn that stuff from press conferences?”

Michael rolls his eyes. “I’m the boss, aren’t I?”

“Well... yes, you are,” Ryan nods. “Florida. Because I like kids but don’t want a room full of twenty of them screaming at me all day. New York. Crazy. Next question.”

Michael frowns, dissatisfied. “I was hoping for more extensive answers than that.”

Ryan shrugs. “You want to stay up all night quizzing me?”

“Got nothing else planned,” Michael admits. “Like I said, you live in my house.”

So the eat and talk and learn. Michael discovers that his initial assessment of Ryan – stalker – isn’t too far wide of the mark. He knew there was a lot of information on him readily available on the internet, but Ryan seems to know it all backwards and that unsettles Michael a little until he’s sunk a few more beers and stops caring.

As he listens to Ryan become more animated and discuss his extensive family and his background in Florida, he starts to notice how expressive the other man’s features are. How entertaining he is and how he genuinely cares about people. On his fifth trip to the fridge to get more beers, Michael is unsuccessful. He turns to apologise and catches Ryan looking at his watch and suddenly seeming to sober up a little.

“I’d, uh, better get to bed, actually,” Ryan says hurriedly. “Gotta be sharp for Little Miss in the morning, hopefully her stomach’s settled down and she’ll be ready to eat.”

He gets up, putting the plates in the dishwasher and rinsing the beer bottles out. “I’ll see you in the morning, boss.”

Michael nods. “Yeah,” he agrees. “Ryan?”

The other man turns, looking increasingly businesslike and Michael realises the moment is definitely broken. “Thanks for sharing.”

Ryan shrugs. “You’re the boss,” he says before leaving the room.

Michael leans against the counter and rubs his face, wondering how he turned a pseudo-job interview into a kind of sort of first date.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Michael is Michael and Ryan is a male nanny (aka: Reezy Poppins)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Further adventures of Reezy Poppins, now an employee of the Phelps household for three months.

Michael’s brushing his teeth one morning when the doorbell rings. He jogs to answer it, toothbrush still in his mouth and waves his mother into the house.

A few minutes later – without the toothbrush this time – he finds Debbie in the kitchen holding Lucy whilst Ryan fixes her a coffee. As his mother chastises him for not spending enough time with his daughter – which Michael points out his her fault for hiring him a full-time nanny – he notices that Ryan’s looking flustered, putting the sugar bowl in the fridge and spilling coffee as he pours it.

“Did you come over just to berate me?” Michael asks as Debbie continues to entertain Lucy.

His mother stares at him in disbelief. “I’m here for Ryan’s review,” she tells him. “His probation ends this week; it’s time to renegotiate his terms.” That explains several things to Michael.

“Right,” he nods. “So you’re participating in that?”

Debbie raises an eyebrow. “Given that you’re still not clued into the whole thing, yes I am. When are you going to take your daughter seriously, Michael? It’s not her fault you didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Ryan realises his earlier mistake and tries to subtly retrieve the sugar bowl from the fridge during this exchange. It’s Lucy who outs him, grinning and giggling as she spots him over Debbie’s shoulder. Ryan visibly relaxes as he entertains the baby from the other side of the room, playing hide and seek with her. Michael watches with a smile, pleased for the distraction from his mom’s continuing rant.

“Michael!” she snaps, bringing his attention back to her. “Let’s go, we’ll do this in your office.”

Ryan reaches out and takes Lucy from her grandmother, settling her quickly in her playpen and taking the monitor with him into Michael’s office. The three of them arrange themselves slightly awkwardly around Michael’s desk and begin their discussion.

“Michael, perhaps you’d like to start by evaluating Ryan’s performance?” Debbie offers.

Michael recognises many of these words, but not in this context. How the hell does he evaluate a nanny that he didn’t hire, or set any criteria for and against some benchmark he has no idea about, given his lack of grasp on the fatherhood thing?

Ryan clears his throat and looks at Michael expectantly. “Well, uh, good, I guess,” Michael shrugs. Debbie frowns and Michael realises that his response isn’t deemed to be appropriate, so he continues to waffle on. “Well... Lucy’s clearly happy and, like, thriving and stuff. Everything runs smoothly and there just... haven’t been any problems. I don’t know what I’d do if you left.”

Ryan visibly relaxes and Michael’s surprised when his brain clicks that the nanny was worried about this. “Did you think I’d say something else?” Michael asks.

“No, um, I just... always get a little nervous,” Ryan stammers, blushing. “It’s a huge responsibility, looking after someone else’s kid full-time. Like, I know how I’d play it, but I’m not allowed to make any decisions, so I never really know I’m doing what the parents want until they tell me for sure.”

Michael blinks. He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s starting to realise that he should. Lucy’s his daughter, which seems to involve making decisions on her behalf for a very long time. Some are easy, like stuff she shouldn’t be allowed to eat – even Michael knows that Lucky Charms aren’t suitable for a nine month old baby – but it’s becoming obvious that there will be bigger things to steer her on. Where she’ll go to school, what she can and can’t wear, how to enrich her life with activities and books and vacations and fuck his life, how is Michael going to do this?

“Do you think there’s stuff she should be doing that she isn’t?” he blurts out.

Ryan seems taken aback briefly but clears his throat again and begins to speak hesitantly. “Well, she does some good stuff at the moment. She really likes the baby yoga class we go to, but she’s not a year old yet, so it’s difficult to say what she might grow into as she develops a greater sense of self...” he trails off as Michael stares at him. “It’s really up to you at this point. As she gets older, she’ll have her own opinions. For now, it’s more about basic motor skills and exposing her to fun stuff that’ll help her develop a vocabulary and social skills. This area’s really good for kids, there are a lot of storytelling and dance groups that she’ll be ready for in a few months time that you might want to consider.”

Michael nods, head swirling. “So, um, are you willing to stay?”

Ryan turns businesslike and pulls some papers seemingly from nowhere. “This is the new contract I’d like to propose,” he begins. “My hours are similar: I would like more time off, but that should be workable now that she sleeps well, and I’d like to switch to living out, which is what I usually do, though I’m willing to negotiate on that for if you have to be away or something.”

Debbie takes a copy of the contract and begins to read it. Michael feels the urge to call his agent and ask him to decode it for him first, as a reflex to anyone presenting him with a legally-binding document.

“It also includes a proposal to renew again in six months, but that’s mainly for Lucy’s benefit,” Ryan clarifies.

“Have you found somewhere else to live?” Michael asks, unable to shift his brain onto anything else that Ryan has said.

Ryan shakes his head. “Not yet, I didn’t want to assume that I’d be kept on,” he replies, giving Debbie a charming smile. “So I’d probably move out in another month or so, which also gives me time to hand over some evenings to you and give Lucy a little time to adjust.”

What about me? Michael thinks. How do I adjust? And how is it that my kid needs to “adjust” to spending time with her own dad?

“Well it all seems very reasonable to me, Ryan,” Debbie says, putting the papers aside. “I’d be more than happy for you to continue.”

Ryan smiles again. “Thank you, Mrs Phelps.” He looks at Michael, waiting for a response.

Mike just shrugs. “Uh, sure,” he nods, picking up a pen and signing the contract. “Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?” he asks.

“No, I’m good,” Ryan replies, standing up. “I’ll, uh, let you know when I’ve found somewhere to live.” Ryan disappears, leaving Debbie and Michael alone. A moment later, his voice comes over the monitor he’d left behind: “Hey, baby girl. Guess who’s staying?”

Michael feels his stomach drop as he realises that Ryan’s picked his daughter up and elicited a squeal of delight that she never offers her father.

*

True to his word, Ryan shifts Lucy’s routine to allow Michael more time with her in the evenings. He coaches Michael on which stories she likes and how they should be read. Mike also learns her preferred ratio of water to bubbles for her baths and how long the whole process takes. The first night he helps Ryan, he falls asleep fifteen minutes after Lucy and wakes up alone on the couch beneath a blanket in the dark lounge room at midnight. He’s confused for a minute, knowing full well that he didn’t pass out in this situation, before concluding that Ryan must have tucked him in. Not for the first time, Michael wonders how the hell he’s going to survive with the new arrangement.

It’s Ryan’s weekend off and, having learned from the previous disaster, Michael arranges for Lucy to spend some quality time with her Grandma so that he can go out. Sure enough, as he’s played by the rules, his date stands him up. Rather than waste precious sitter-time, Michael decides to carry on without her – and knows that this doesn’t mean his chances of getting some action are finished.

He heads into the city and meets some friends at a bar. Although it wasn’t what he wanted from the evening, Michael enjoys himself – it’s been a while since he had time to catch up with his friends and the night passes quickly.

As he’s leaving, Michael notices a familiar figure busting some moves on the dance floor at the other side of the room. When he realises that the guy is grinding on another guy, Michael assumes he’s mistaken. Until the pair turn so that one can speak directly into the other’s ear and Michael knows he was right first time: not only is Ryan in the bar with a guy, but for the briefest of moments, he catches Michael’s eye from across the room.

Michael wishes he had a mirror so he could figure out which of them looks more shocked.

*

Michael doesn’t want it to be weird. He knows that Ryan likes his private time – and is more than entitled to it, and is an adult – but he feels that he should provide some sort of reassurance anyway.

When Ryan heads tentatively into the lounge room to see Michael upon his return from his weekend off, Michael assumes the nanny is going to broach the subject first, so he waits for Ryan to speak. He’s surprised by what he says, though he shouldn’t be.

“I, uh, found a place to live,” Ryan announces. Michael sits up on the couch. “It’s actually available for me to move into a week tomorrow so... if there’s any way we can switch my day off so that it’s next Monday rather than next Thursday, that’d be awesome.”

Michael blinks, and when he speaks he feels like he’s watching and listening to someone else. “Don’t worry about it, there’s no need to swap. Have Monday off as well as Thursday.”

Ryan stares at him for a beat before nodding and smiling gratefully. “Thanks, that’s great of you. I need to get some stuff shipped in from Florida as well as my stuff from New York, so the extra...” he trails off, realising he’s babbling. “Uh. Yeah. Thanks.”

He turns to go and Michael can’t help himself from blurting something else out. “I saw you last night.”

Ryan stops mid-step and Michael can see the tops of his ears turning red. “I know,” he says quietly. “Sorry about that.”

Michael can’t help but laugh. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I didn’t mean it to be... a thing,” he finishes lamely. 

“It was your weekend off, I don’t care what you do,” he lies.

Ryan slowly turns to look at him. “Oh dude. I know it’s a cliché, but I’m a male nanny. Are you really surprised?” he asks.

“About what?” Michael replies dumbly.

Ryan rolls his eyes, not really wanting to spell it out but willing to do so for the Very Stupid: “That I’m gay.”

Michael chokes on his own tongue, forgetting all of his careful media training from his previous life. “Um. No? I mean, yes! Yes I am!” he stammers. “But it’s cool, it really doesn’t matter to me. You’re doing an awesome job and who you – shit – I mean, what you do on your own time is totally...ok.”

Ryan looks like he’s trying hard not to laugh and manages a nod and a smile. “Well I’m glad it’s not a problem for you,” he grins. 

“Women think they’re safe hiring male nannies,” he smirks. “But let me tell you, we’re just as attractive to the men of the house as the female ones.”

Michael really can’t help but stare as Ryan tips him a wink and heads upstairs to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

A month into the new arrangement, Michael’s glad that Ryan moved out. He feels freer in his own home again – well, as free as a single guy with a ten month old daughter can – and, more importantly, he feels like he might even be getting a handle on the parenting gig. And that his daughter might even like him.

Michael doesn’t panic every time Lucy cries these days, just every few times, when it’s one he doesn’t recognise the meaning of. He knows Ryan’s still doing the bulk of it, but then that’s his job.

When his mom drops round early one morning – she insists she’s not checking up on him, Michael doesn’t believe her for a second – he realises exactly how much he’s learned. He effortlessly juggles an unusually-clingy Lucy on his hip whilst he prepares her breakfast and answers a couple of emails.

He sits Lucy down and feeds her carefully without missing a beat of the conversation with Debbie, only glancing away from his daughter when Ryan lets himself in. The nanny takes in the scene quickly and pauses in the doorway of the kitchen.

Ryan smiles – Michael thinks it might be pride on the other man’s face, but he’s not sure – and points back over his shoulder. “Morning, everyone. I, uh, should go and check all her stuff’s ready for our outing later. I’ll leave you to it.”

Michael knows full well that Ryan, in his inimitably efficient nanny manner, always prepares Lucy’s kit before he leaves in the evenings, but he’s grateful to be left alone to enjoy the rest of his routine with his daughter. He finishes feeding her with his mom watching on and cleans up after the pair of them.

Ryan reappears and busies himself at the coffee pot as he waits for Mike to hand the baby over.

“Where are you taking her today?” Debbie asks.

“We’re gonna go to the park, take the dogs for a stroll, check out some ducks,” Ryan replies. “She loves watching them.”

“Oh,” Debbie frowns.

Ryan glances between Michael and his mother. “Is there a problem?” he asks, concerned.

Michael shoots his mother a disapproving look as he passes Lucy off to Ryan with a kiss on her head. “Mom was a little surprised that Lucy hasn’t been to the pool yet,” Michael tells him.

Ryan nods. “Well, you know I’m more than happy to take her and do classes, or just be there with her myself,” he says, not taking his eyes off Michael. “You just have to say the word, you’re the boss.”

“Michael, I really think...” Debbie interjects, but Michael cuts her off.

“I know exactly what you think, Mom. I’m still trying to figure out what I think.”

Lucy breaks the tension by giggling at something outside which has caught her eye. Debbie looks at her watch with a sigh. “I’ve got to go, but you think about what we discussed, Michael Fred,” she demands.

Michael kisses his mother and sees her out, running a hand through his hair in frustration as he returns to the kitchen to find Ryan and Lucy still surveying every miniscule movement in the back yard. Michael joins them and they stand in silence for a minute, the tension dissipating as Lucy points in random directions, almost taking Ryan’s eye out with one particularly wild gesture.

Ryan takes her hand and uses it to bop her own head, making her squeal. “It’s your call,” he says quietly, “but we could always go together.”

Michael pauses before answering, absorbing what Ryan’s suggestion.

“How attached are you to the park idea?” he eventually asks.

*

Michael can’t remember being this terrified of the pool. It’s taken two hours, several autographs and a huge amount of favours being called in to get the place to themselves, but he’s done it. He hasn’t accounted for the fact that he now sees anywhere his daughter goes as being full of danger and he’s not sure he can watch but at the same time, doesn’t want to leave.

“Welcome to the rest of your life,” Ryan warns him. “This is how it goes now: everything that happens freaks you out way more than her.” He grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “Just wait until she’s old enough to date, then you’ll really learn what freaking out is.”

Michael thinks he might have to grab the nearest bucket and throw up. But ultimately, the chlorine in the air provides him with a weird sense of calm – he knows where he’s at with a pool, plus with the amount of people he preaches to about water safety... well, it’s time to start practicing that for himself and his own family.

“How many kids did you say you’ve taught to swim again?” he asks Ryan anxiously, as they descend the pool steps together.

“I didn’t,” Ryan replies casually. Michael’s about to grab Lucy from his arms, turn tail and run, until Ryan continues. “Because I stopped counting. You really didn’t check me out, did you?”

For some unknown reason, Michael’s brain fires at a different level and answers Ryan’s question with, “No, but I sure as hell am now that I’m staring at your naked chest for the first time and noticing how those board shorts match your eyes.” He blinks, wondering if he said that out loud. When Ryan stares back at him awaiting a response, he lets out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding. “Um, no,” he stutters.

Ryan wades out a little and submerges a water wing-clad Lucy expertly in the water, smiling with her. “Both of my parents are swim coaches,” Ryan begins. “So is one of my sisters. I grew up as much with the pool as you did. I just...did other things too, I guess.”

Michael tries to process this information. “You swim?”

Ryan glances away from Lucy for a second and looks at Mike like he’s sprouted another head. “Hell yes! I swam through college – it’s how I could afford to go – and you’re not my first client, remember? I’ve been to more swim classes, soccer practices and dance recitals than you’ll ever go to, mainly because you’ll never have twelve kids. Well, maybe you will...”

“She’s your twelfth?” Michael asks dumbly.

Ryan grins. “Nope, thirteenth,” he replies. He tickles Lucy’s belly as he holds her in the water with one arm, making her giggle and splash the water with her arms. “Not so unlucky for this little lady, hey?”

“Or me,” Michael mutters under his breath.

Ryan looks up at him again. “You gonna join in the fun or just stand there getting cold?” he asks.

It’s only then that Mike realises there’s a good couple of strokes between him and the nanny and his daughter. He moves to join them and allows Ryan to position Lucy in his arms so that he’s trailing her around the pool.

“Like... there’s nothing to be scared of,” Ryan tells him. “I hate to break it to you, man, but she’s too young for medals and strokes and breathing. She just has to... be.”

Before Michael knows it, he’s out in the middle of the pool with his daughter, alone. Ryan hauls himself out of the pool – Michael tries not to stare at the expanse of wet skin and muscle on display as he does so – and disappears into the locker room for a minute. He soon returns, clutching a variety of toys and drops into the pool to swim effortlessly out to Michael.

“You couldn’t have done that underwater? It’s less than ten metres!” he jokes.

Ryan raises an eyebrow and – toys still in hand – turns his back on Michael, freestyling back to the wall. Michael feels a pang of guilt for challenging Ryan’s competence as he watches him flip turn off the wall and quickly cut through the water back to his side without taking a breath.

Ryan breaks the surface, flicking water off his face and breathing again. “Well done on pushing some buttons,” he says. “No way I’ll ever race you though, no matter how far into retirement you get.”

Michael lets it go, satisfied that Ryan has passed his test. Together, they play with Lucy in the water for a while, using the bath toys Ryan brought along to entertain her. The nanny gets them all out before they turn to prunes and takes care of Lucy, soothing her quickly when she fusses about leaving.

“I think that’s her way of telling you she liked it,” he smiles at Mike. “Maybe just you and her next time, yeah?”

Michael tickles his daughter’s cheek, raising a smile. “Yeah. You can have her back when it’s time to teach strokes – I’ve never been able to explain that stuff.”

“It’s a deal,” Ryan agrees. “I’ll have her dolphin kicking like a champ.”

*

Michael does go back alone with Lucy, turning it into a weekly ritual. Ryan gets the morning off each time and either picks Lucy up at the pool or is waiting when they get home. Michael tries to convince himself that it’s not quite as fun taking her alone as it was the first time with Ryan because of the lack of adult company and conversation. He finds the spot at the wall where he watched Ryan climb out horribly distracting, unable to shift the image of rippling muscles and a tattoo he’d previously had no idea about.

Those images are playing through his mind, in fact, when his phone rings one day in the middle of a meeting, a week before Lucy’s first birthday. He’s grateful to escape, until the person at the other end of the line introduces themselves as a nurse at Johns Hopkins.

Michael breaks every traffic law in existence to get to the hospital and almost throttles the four people it takes to find the right way when they don’t point him in the direction he needs to go fast enough when he arrives.

He finds Lucy being cradled by Ryan as a doctor examines her and, for the first time since they met, doesn’t want Ryan anywhere near his daughter. He snatches Lucy from Ryan’s arms, stroking her hair as she whimpers. He doesn’t notice Ryan leaving the room.

The doctor asks Michael questions about Lucy and himself as he checks her over. A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door and Debbie bustles in, tugging a sick-looking Ryan behind her.

Michael bristles with anger until Debbie shoots him a “don’t argue with me” look. The anger doesn’t disappear altogether, but he does dial it back by half a notch for his daughter’s sake.

The doctor completes his assessment and tells them that he would like an x-ray and a scan, and will be back shortly to take them to the right place. Debbie follows him out of the room in search of coffee, leaving Michael with Ryan and Lucy.

Ryan stands on the other side of the room, eyes constantly assessing Lucy, scrutinising her for any changes.

“I’m sorry,” he finally chokes out.

“Sorry?” Michael spits, looking up to shoot the nanny a glare. “I pay you too look after my daughter, not let her hurtle off a slide and crack her head.”

Ryan winces, looking away again. Michael rocks his daughter in his arms, rubbing her shoulder and inspecting every inch of her for other injuries. He’s sure the doctor who examined her is younger than him and, despite the lack of visible marks, he knows Lucy wouldn’t be fussing for no reason.

“The kid who pushed her was horrified,” Ryan says quietly. “He’s probably still stood there screaming now.”

It takes Michael a few beats to take this in. “Huh?” he asks.

Ryan carefully takes a few steps closer, keeping his voice low. “Another kid pushed her. Easily a year older than her, he ran up the steps and pushed her just as I was letting her go. She scooted off the end because she doesn’t know how to stop herself and I... couldn’t catch her quick enough. When she started screaming, he screamed louder.”

Michael nods, still looking down at Lucy in his arms.

Ryan sits down next to them. “You’re a proper daddy now that you want to beat a boy up on her behalf,” he declares.

Michael feels what might be a smile tug at the corners of his lips. “I wouldn’t recommend it though,” Ryan adds hastily. “The law’s pretty tight on adults beating up two year olds, even when there’s almost a solid reason.”

They fall quiet for a bit, watching Lucy sniffle occasionally. “You had to do this before?” Michael asks. “The hospital thing.”

Ryan nods. “Yeah, I’m not new to this,” Ryan admits. He pauses, considering his words carefully. “Accidents happen to kids. She won’t remember it, this is way harder on you.”

Michael feels himself relax a little, starting to believe what Ryan says. “If I had a medal to hand out, you’d have another gold for your cabinet,” Ryan announces.

Michael jerks up to look at him. “Fastest a parent’s ever shown up when they’ve got that call about one of my charges,” Ryan tells him. “That said, the slowest was the couple who didn’t even bother to get out of their infinity pool in Vegas because their seventh honeymoon was way more important than their kid with the broken arm... but I didn’t tell you that. Totally not breaching my non-disclosure agreements for shit.”

“I was really the fastest?” Michael asks.

“By a mile,” Ryan confirms. “I’m actually...”

He takes a deep breath and, as Michael studies the other man’s face, he wonders if Ryan might be about to cry. “I don’t think you need me anymore,” Ryan admits.

“I... what?” Michael’s completely floored.

“I quit.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You can’t,” Michael blurts out, louder than he means to.

“Why not?”

“Because contract,” Michael replies, wishing that he could smack his own forehead the moment the words are out. But he can’t, because he’s still holding his daughter and when did something as simple as speaking become so hard? He puts it down to the stress of the afternoon’s events and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Your contract still has three months on it.”

Ryan nods, looking down at his hands. “I know. But I won’t be renewing it.”

“Is this because of what’s happened today?”

Ryan bites his lip and slowly shakes his head. “No. I’ve been through this enough times before to not let it get to me. And she’s a great kid, I’ll be sad to leave. But like I said, you’ve got it licked now. You don’t really need me.”

“Have you been offered something else?” Michael asks. “Have they offered you more money?”

Ryan laughs, standing up and shaking his head again. “Why do rich guys always assume it’s about money? Do you all think it’s not possible to just enjoy what you do enough that money doesn’t matter?”

Michael stares at him, proving his point. “Wow,” Ryan breathes. “Dude, I haven’t started looking for something else. I’m registered with an agency, I could have a new job starting tomorrow if I wanted. I’ll be fine, I’ll leave when the contract’s up.”

“Please don’t, Ryan,” Michael implores.

“I’ve made my mind up,” Ryan states firmly. “But for now, I’ve got a job to do. So I’m gonna see if I can figure out where that doctor’s at.”

*

Things are tense for a little while. Lucy’s first birthday passes without event, though Michael can’t believe he’s been a dad for a year. Michael digs out the books his mom and sisters got him at the beginning and starts reading them in the evenings, trying to learn more about the practical day to day stuff that Ryan has memorised like some sort of baby encyclopaedia. At first, the books terrify him by exposing the extent of his ignorance. A new, less intimidating book appears one day and provides some much-needed reassurance, leading Michael to ignore the emails from the nanny agency offering to set up interviews for Ryan’s replacement, partly because he’s clinging to a desperate hope that Ryan will change his mind, partly because he’s starting to believe that he really could go it alone.

A month before Ryan’s due to leave, Michael discovers that a trip that he’s been putting off just over a year won’t wait any longer. His agent threatens that, if he doesn’t do it soon, the trip which is currently two weeks long could well turn into for, or maybe six. That’s enough for Michael to front up to the situation.

He asks Ryan to stay a little late one night, and once Lucy’s asleep, they sit together on the couch for Michael to explain. “I need your advice.”

“Sure, what’s it about?” Ryan asks.

“I’ve got a promo tour to do, two weeks around China, Japan and Australia,” Michael announces. “I was kind of... wondering about going alone.”

Ryan’s eyes widen in shock. “Um. Well. If you think you can handle it...”

“I don’t really know,” Michael considers aloud. “If I got stuck, would you fly out to help?”

“I’d rather it didn’t come to that,” Ryan replied. “If you’re feeling like you might, it’s probably better if I come along with you.”

“Would you do that?” Michael asked innocently.

Ryan rolls his eyes, grabs Michael’s iPad and flips it open. “If anyone asks, you saw nothing, ok?” Michael nods in response.

Ryan sits next to him and tilts the screen so that Michael can see. Ryan flips through various paparazzi pictures of various celebrities – a pop star, an A-list acting couple, a football player and his wife, a supermodel and her businessman husband – mostly walking through airports, sometimes out and about on the street. It takes a few shots for Michael to notice the common person in the background, usually toting a baby or clutching a child’s hand. Ryan’s in all of them.

“These are your former employers?” he asks. Ryan just nods, still flipping through seemingly endless photos.

“Between them, they filled my passport up,” Ryan reveals. “It’s actually weird for me to stay in the same place for so long without my clients insisting we pack up and fly off to some other city for a premiere or a concert or the opening of a jar of peanut butter.”

He puts the iPad down, considering Michael’s request. “Do the media know?” he asks eventually.

“Know what?”

“About Lucy. That you have a kid.”

“No,” Michael says quietly. He sighs, considering whether or not to tell Ryan the full story.

“Dude,” Ryan encourages, “I need to know. I’ve signed an NDA. If anything gets out, you can sue my ass so hard. Just tell me, I’ll bet I’ve heard and seen worse.”

“Okay,” Michael continues. “You’re gonna hate me.”

Ryan shrugs. “People are supposed to hate their bosses. Spill.”

“When I found out about Lucy, and that her mom wasn’t interested, I paid her off,” Michael reveals. “I bought her silence and her absence. And it didn’t come cheap. My agent has somehow managed to hide it from the press.”

“The minute you set foot in an airport, they’ll know,” Ryan states the obvious. “The whole point of why I’m carrying a lot of those kids – apart from the fact that their moms can’t handle a Birkin and a baby at once – is because photos of the kid and me are worthless. I’m nobody. I stay a few steps behind, I’ve got the safest arms you’ll ever know and I... protect them. They’ll still get you. But you chose that and you’re used to it. She’s too young to choose.”

“Fuck,” Michael breathes, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and face in his hands. “What was I thinking?”

Ryan bites his lip. “I think you can do it,” he says slowly. “But it’d be at a cost. I think you’d be setting yourself up for a tough time on your first go, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ll come with you, you can still spend time with her, but you won’t have to worry and you can concentrate on work when you need to.”

“You got enough space in your passport?”

“Always,” Ryan smiles. “Do you have one for her?”

“Fuck,” Michael groans. It was things like this that made him wonder where Ryan’s confidence in his ability to go it alone came from.

*

In all of his years as America’s Greatest Sporting Hero and The Guy Who Got Drunk Underage And Drove and The Idiot Famous Swimmer Who Used A Bong, he’d never experienced a frenzy like it. They were everywhere, like a plague of locusts the minute Michael, followed by Ryan and Lucy, entered the arrivals hall at JFK.

When they finally reached the car, Michael came very close to having a full-on breakdown behind the safety of the tinted glass. Ryan busied himself occupying Lucy, attempting to maintain some semblance of normality. The town car dropped Michael off at his first appointment whilst Ryan and Lucy continued to their hotel.

Several hours and far too many inane interview questions later, Michael entered the suite to find Ryan and Lucy clapping along to a music video on the TV. Michael paused to watch, feeling the stress seep out of his shoulders as he gazed at his daughter, enjoying the moment before he inevitably gets busted.

There’s a knock at the door and Michael turns to let room service in. Ryan steps aside and lets him feed Lucy alone, miraculously having her bath ready exactly when she’s done with her food.

An hour later, Michael returns to the living area of the suite and finds Ryan poring over a sketch pad at the table. Ryan scrambles to pull his papers together when he hears Michael, jumping up and trying to dash out of the room.

“You missed one,” Michael calmly tells him, picking it up off the floor and glancing at it. As he inspects it, Michael discovers a sketch of a little girl in a party dress. “I didn’t know you like to draw.”

Ryan hurriedly grabs it from him, blushing and unable to meet his gaze. “I... it’s what I wanted to do. Be a designer,” he shrugs. “But being a struggling artist doesn’t pay the bills.”

“So you gave up?” Michael asks.

“I’m going to bed,” Ryan changes the subject. “Gotta be up early with Lucy.”

Michael watches him leave, absorbing this new information and cursing himself for knowing so little about the person who’s helped him so much.

*

Throughout the next ten days, Michael slowly gets used to the crowd of photographers who trail after him and his daughter. Ryan was right about Lucy receiving little to no attention when she’s not with Michael. His agent releases a statement confirming that she’s his daughter, but nothing more is said, Michael refusing to discuss anything but work in interviews. It settles heavily in his heart, because part of him wants to gush about his newfound love for his child, but a bigger part of him burns harder at protecting his privacy, old defence mechanisms falling into place as easily as counting strokes.

He persuades Debbie to join them in China for the final leg of the trip, having decided that Ryan needs a break. When his Debbie arrives, Ryan spots the plan immediately and tries to argue his case, insisting that he doesn’t care, he’ll have time off before his next job and how he’s still keen to protect Lucy.

Michael refuses to back down, gathering Ryan’s things together and all but kicking him out, telling him to make sure he checks out various sights around Beijing and to enjoy his day off. Michael knows it’s crazy, but he can’t resist a trip to the Water Cube with Lucy, showing her around and whispering things in her ear that she won’t remember. 

He watches as she gazes around the vast venue, taking it all in. Michael’s desperate to know what she’s thinking, keen for her to start talking so that he knows what she sounds like, how she’s feeling. He squeezes his little girl against him, nuzzling her hair and reminding himself to have a little patience, and that he’ll undoubtedly long for the baby days soon enough.

Later that evening, he texts Ryan to see how he’s getting on. The reply comes quickly, that yes Ryan’s having a great day, does Michael need him back for anything? Michael’s tempted to say yes, to have Ryan come running, but feels cruel as he types the message and deletes it without sending it. He calls Ryan instead.

“Will you meet me somewhere?” he asks when Ryan answers.

“Sure,” comes the reply. “Just let me know where.”

Michael names the place, gets himself ready and heads off to meet Ryan.

“I, uh, wanted to thank you,” he announces once they’re seated in the restaurant. “I don’t think I say it enough and you’ve been awesome during this trip so... thanks.”

Ryan smiles. “Just doing my job. But I appreciate it, thanks boss.”

Michael blushes a little, leaning back to let the waitress deliver their drinks and quickly takes a gulp of his. “This was my favourite place to come after the Games,” he reveals.

“Great,” Ryan grins. “You can tell me what the best thing on the menu is then.”

Several hours and four courses of food later, Michael knows two things: they’re the only ones left in the restaurant and they’re both a little bit buzzed. He thinks it might be the least guarded he’s ever seen Ryan, but he’s still done far more talking about himself than listening to Ryan, who’s an expert at steering conversations so that he doesn’t have to speak much. Michael wonders if that’s because he’s used to working with little people who aren’t so big on full-blown conversations which make actual sense.

When they arrive back at their suite, it becomes obvious that Michael isn’t quite up to manipulating the key, so Ryan takes over, letting them in. This gives Michael a decent opportunity in his drunken state to make a good study of Ryan’s ass.

And suddenly, a few things cut through the haze of alcohol and make sense. How he felt about seeing Ryan with a guy, his reaction to Ryan wanting to move out, his ability to conjure the image of Ryan half naked and wet from the pool... Somehow, this all matches up and Michael’s feeling impulsive as he crowds into the foyer of the suite behind Ryan, pins him against the back of the door with his hips and kisses him.

For one glorious moment, Ryan kisses him back and Michael can taste the familiar tang of beer and the food they’ve shared mixed with the unfamiliar but completely captivating taste of Ryan. And then it’s gone.

Ryan plants a hand on Michael’s shoulder and pushes him firmly away, holding his boss at arm’s length as he exhales with a shudder. “Michael, what the...?”

Michael fights hard with his unruly drunken limbs to stop himself swaying and fix his gaze on Ryan’s. “Don’t tell me,” he gasps, “that you haven’t thought about that. That time you winked at me...”

Ryan winces and looks away, uncomfortable with the memory and the brief slip in his professionalism that night. Michael quickly grabs the other man’s face, turning it back to look at him.

“Give me three good reasons,” he challenges, “why we shouldn’t do this.” Because Michael knows that quitters never win and winners never quit.

Ryan swallows and starts to speak, his voice hoarse, “Because you’re straight. And because you’re my boss.”

“That’s only two,” he states, leaning in to murmur the words against Ryan’s ear and unable to resist the opportunity to nip his earlobe as he does so. His lips travel down Ryan’s neck towards his collarbone, and he feels the nanny swallow again before he gives his final reason.

“Because I’ve got a boyfriend.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has shades of Michael Phelps/Original Male Character

Ryan pushes past a dumbfounded Michael and starts down the hall to his room a little shakily.

“Since when?” Michael eventually manages to ask.

“It’s none of your goddamn business,” Ryan replies, disappearing into his room and closing the door firmly.

Michael tries – and fails spectacularly, thanks alcohol – to replay the events of the last few minutes in his mind. For the first time in a long time, he gives up and instead finds himself in bed wondering what Ryan’s boyfriend looks like.

*

Ryan’s final week feels like a lifetime for all the wrong reasons. Michael has no idea how the nanny snaps back into work-mode so easily and maintains a distance after what had happened when they were away. Being told “no” has always been a red rag at a bull where Michael’s concerned, and Ryan pushing him away after seeming to want him, then revealing the fact that he has a boyfriend has just made matters worse.

Michael spends most of his time running through ways to get Ryan for himself, convinced that the reason Ryan wouldn’t give it up was because Michael is his boss and that’s apparently inappropriate. So maybe Ryan’s one step ahead and has resigned so that they can be together? Maybe he’ll make a move when he leaves and he won’t actually leave but instead move back in and it’ll be happily ever after? That thought is the one which sets the “you’re being a fucking idiot” alarm off in Michael’s head.

Debbie refuses to let Michael have any input into the decision regarding the new nanny – despite Michael’s protestation that it really hasn’t worked out all that well with Ryan given that he’s not even manage a year and she chose him. His mother counters with the suggestion that he’s an insufferable boss. Michael just grunts and reluctantly leaves her to look through the applications.

At fourteen months old, Lucy doesn’t understand the significance of Ryan’s last goodbye, just beams at him and waves in her usual manner. Debbie thanks Ryan earnestly with a kiss on each cheek, thanking him for his hard work and wishing him luck with his future endeavours. Michael forces himself to let Ryan make the moves, grudgingly accepting the handshake he is offered and following his mother’s lead of thanking Ryan for his help.

Michael can’t quite believe it when Debbie asks the question he’s been dying to know the answer to: “So what’s next, Ryan?”

“Uhm, well, I start a new job tomorrow,” Ryan tells her. “I’ve met them already – they asked me to go on my day off last week – it’s gonna be pretty intense. I’m gonna be looking after twin first graders and a four month old baby. So, very different, but at least I know my way around here now.”

“You’re staying in Baltimore?” Debbie asks.

Ryan nods. “Yeah, despite the fact that it’s way too cold in winter, I figured I’d stay a little longer. It’s not all bad,” he smiles, though avoids Ryan’s gaze. “I hope it goes well with my replacement, it really has been a pleasure.”

And with a final wave and a kiss blown in Lucy’s direction, he’s gone.

*

Michael looks for Ryan everywhere. He calls the agency first and asks if they know where he’s gone. Yes, of course they do; no, of course they can’t tell him, but they can get a message to him if Michael wants. Michael wonders if this was how it worked for those famous people he’d heard of who pick their significant others out of catwalk show lineups and demand that their agent speak to the object of desire’s agent and fix it up. He declines the offer.

The new nanny turns out to be another manny. Michael assumes Debbie’s chosen a guy to ensure that her son doesn’t fuck the payroll and contemplates telling her what had happened with Ryan, just to see the look on her face. He decides that’s a can of worms he doesn’t want to open and leaves it be.

Lucy and Manny Two settle into an easy rhythm. Michael notices a shift in himself, takes charge a lot more than he did with Ryan, makes grown up parenting decisions and is far more prescriptive regarding Lucy’s routine. Manny Two asks no questions, does as he’s told. Michael likes it and wonders just how far he can push his instructions before Manny Two says no.

*

After five months, three weeks and four days of looking, Michael finally finds Ryan. At the airport. Ryan’s checking in for the first flight to New York – the same flight Michael’s taking – leaning casually against the desk as the woman behind the counter readies his boarding pass.

Michael slows down, drinking in the view and groans quietly as it dawns on him exactly how difficult it’s going to be to avoid dragging Ryan into an airplane bathroom to renew his membership of the Mile High Club. He takes a deep breath and approaches the check in desk, handing the agent his passport, still staring at Ryan who is now just to his right and hasn’t yet turned to see him.

“Will you be checking in any bags today, Mr Phelps?” the woman asks him cheerily.

Ryan’s head whips round to look at him so fast that Michael’s worried it might fly off. And, of course, he catches Michael staring at him. Michael tries to style it out, leaning against the desk and flashing Ryan a smile as he waves.

Ryan takes his boarding pass and passport from the desk and joins Michael as he finishes checking in. “How’s Lucy?” Ryan asks.

“Uh, good,” Michael nods. “She’s staying home, I’m flying straight back tonight, figured it wasn’t worth bringing her along for her just to get dragged around on planes and in cars. I should be home in time to tuck her in.”

Ryan just smiles to himself as Michael explains the situation. “What’s that look for?” he asks, realising he’d given more detail than was perhaps required.

Ryan shrugs. “You wouldn’t have said that a year ago.”

Michael frowns, trying to figure out whether this was a compliment or an insult. Ryan rolls his eyes and clarifies. “It’s good. You made the best decision for her, not because it suited you or whatever.”

As they walk towards the gate, Michael presses Ryan for more details on his own life. “How’s the new job?”

“Not so new anymore,” Ryan reminds him. “It’s good. Hard work, but it’s a pain I like. The baby’s having a rough time teething so my days are pretty full of screaming right now.”

“This one not falling for your charms like Lucy did?” Michael jokes.

Ryan snorts in response. “Oh dude. You had a good baby, you don’t know how lucky you are. I mean... this one isn’t terrible, but yours was a piece of cake.”

Michael shakes his head with a laugh, “You shouldn’t have told me that, you had me thinking you were some sort of miracle baby whisperer.”

“What the parents don’t realise,” Ryan tells him, “is that it’d be so much easier if they did that bit themselves. I can’t replace them in that scenario, the kids are so attached to the smells and sounds of their mom and dad... it’s potent, y’know? It’s fine when they’re older and they can talk and stuff, but babies aren’t so hot on verbal reasoning.”

Michael falls quiet for a moment, taking Ryan’s sentiments in. Then he remembers his original question, now that the niceties are over with. “What’re you up to in NYC?”

“Two blissful days off,” Ryan sighs.

“Got anything fun planned?” Michael presses.

“This and that,” Ryan shrugs. “Chilling out, seeing friends, visiting with my boyfriend...”

Just what Michael hadn’t wanted to hear. “So, uh, say hi to Lucy for me?” Ryan asks as they head their separate ways toward their seats on the plane.

*

By the time he gets home that evening, Michael’s pissed. Apart from the fact that he’s spent the day on the New York merry-go-round, he’s been unable to get the thought of Ryan and his still-unseen-could-well-be-a-myth boyfriend out of his head.

He digs his game face out of the locker and wears it as he puts Lucy to bed, feeling the tension in his body dissipate a little. Once his daughter is asleep, Michael creeps out of her room, quietly closing the door. He promptly bumps into Manny Two, who’s off the clock, living in and fresh from the shower wearing only a towel.

Michael pounces, finally following through on his plan to test Manny Two’s limits, as well as his own recently-discovered interest in guys.

He learns a lot of things that night: the Manny’s bed squeaks; he’s hired someone who is incredibly obedient; sex is a lot easier these days when he imagines that the body beneath him is Ryan’s.

*

Michael shuts himself in his office the following morning, picks up the phone and calls the nanny agency.

“Things aren’t working out,” he tells the agent. “I need a replacement as soon as possible.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but it’ll be the end of the day before I can get you some applications to review,” he’s told.

Michael sighs in frustration. “Look, the bottom line is, I’d really like Ryan back and I’m willing to pay him double, no, triple what I was paying him before,” he gives up on subtlety.

“I’m sorry, Mr Phelps, but we’ve actually had a call from Ryan this morning already,” Michael grips the phone tightly as he waits for the agent to continue. “He’s no longer available for any roles with us.”

“What?” Michael replies.

“Ryan won’t be seeking another nannying position,” the agent repeats.

“But... why?” Michael asks.

“I’m afraid that’s confidential. But I’ll email you details of other suitable candidates by the end of the day.”

Michael puts his head on the desk and growls in frustration after hanging up. He stays there for a while, trying to figure out what to do next without letting the images of losing his mind enough to have sex with his kid’s nanny last night take over.

His phone ringing startles him back to reality and he answers without thinking to check the number.

“Uh, hey, I didn’t think you’d pick up,” Ryan’s voice drifts across the line and Michael’s suddenly bolt upright and completely focused.

“Why did you ring then?” he responds quickly.

“Pre-emptive strike,” Ryan replies. “The agency called, told me you were trying to throw money at me like it was going out of style. You’ve got a short memory, haven’t you?”

Michael winces. “You don’t want money?”

“No, dude!” Ryan sighs. “We had this conversation before. It’s not about that. I’m done.”

“But... I thought you love what you do?” Michael protests.

“Loved,” Ryan corrects. “I... kinda reassessed this weekend. I need a break.”

“So take a vacation!” Michael suggests. “I’ll cope for a couple of weeks, come back when you’re ready.”

“I don’t just mean a vacation,” Ryan tells him. “I mean like... a career change.”

“Oh,” Michael says, pausing to think. “Did your boyfriend ask you to move back to New York?” he asks impulsively.

Ryan laughs. “Actually, no. We split up.”

Michael leaps out of his chair, punching the air before quickly shoving his fist in his mouth so that he doesn’t make a sound he’ll later regret.

Ryan must know what sort of reaction Michael’s giving that news, but he wilfully ignores it. “I’m going to Florida for a while,” he announces. “Figure out exactly what my next move is.”

“Are... are you gonna move back there for good?” Michael eventually manages.

“Could do,” Ryan replies, sounding very much like he’s teasing Michael now. “Nothing keeping me up here... at the moment.”

Michael thinks that sounds very much like a challenge. “Anyway,” Ryan continues, “if you feel like spending time in a place where the weather’s nice, maybe teaching your kid what that thing in the sky we call the sun is... let me know.”

Michael takes the phone away from his face and stares at it, trying to figure out how, in the space of a few minutes, the situation turned from him making a feeble attempt to buy Ryan to the other man chasing him.

He returns the phone to his ear, clears his throat and says, “I’ll check her schedule.”

"Oh and Michael?" Ryan jumps back in.

"Yes?"

"I did warn you," Michael can tell that Ryan's grinning. "Perhaps you want to consider your next nanny being female? Might stop you wanting to sleep with your staff."

"How'd... like..."

"Nannies talk, dude," Ryan informs him.

"So much for the NDA," Michael mutters. "I'll sue the bastard."

Ryan snorts. "And have him counter-sue for sexual harassment?"

Michael swears. "Didn't think so," Ryan laughs. "Anyway, I wouldn't be worried."

"Why's that?"

"He was very complimentary," Ryan tells him and hangs up.


	6. Chapter 6

A week after their phone call, Michael cracks. He waits until Lucy and Nanny Three (female, Dutch and so smoking hot that Michael is having second thoughts about his apparent attraction to Ryan) are safely packed off on a trip to the dog park before shutting himself into his office, taking a deep breath and picking up the phone.

It rings. And rings. And rings. Michael swears. Voicemail picks up. Michael swears again.

At the beep, he leaves a message. “Uh, hey Ryan. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Lucy’s diary’s clear next week if you still feel like showing her that thing in the sky you were talking about. Give me a call and let me know.”

Michael’s finding it all a bit déjà vu and decides that he won’t sit around waiting. He grabs his keys and goes to his standard fallback option: he heads to the pool.

*

Michael panics when he can’t find his phone in his locker upon emerging from the pool. He has visions of some child-related emergency that he’s been unaware of for three hours having checked out on real life temporarily. 

He leaves without showering and speeds the entire way home, only feeling relief spread through his body when he stumbles into the house and can hear Lucy babbling somewhere with Nanny Three.

Michael follows the noise and finds himself on the floor in Lucy’s room, scooping his daughter into his arms and hugging her tightly as the nanny looks on slightly confused. Michael blushes and clears his throat before giving her the rest of the day off, insisting that there’s nothing wrong and that he just wants to spend time with Lucy.

As he takes Lucy downstairs to get started on dinner, he hears a beeping from his office and smacks his forehead with his palm. Michael goes to his desk and retrieves his phone, flicking through his messages as he pulls ingredients from the cupboards, Lucy watching from her high chair.

His heart flips as he sees a message from Ryan and he forces himself to take a breath and get a grip before reading it. He needn’t have bothered.

_[Ryan: sup?]_

Michael almost throws the phone at the wall. Then remembers he needs it. Four hours after he leaves Ryan a voicemail and he gets a, “sup?” in return?

He steadies himself and tosses out a reply.

_[Michael: was hoping you’d tell me. Are we still invited to Florida?]_

The return message comes quickly.

_[Ryan: nope]_

Michael actually shouts at the phone this time: “What?!”

Lucy had been contentedly babbling to herself and playing with a plastic horse on the tray of her high chair but she abruptly stops, blinks at Michael and bursts into tears. He rushes over and scoops her up, wiping her face and feeling guilty, but the tears don’t show any sign of stopping.

Michael tries to relax his arms, aware that the tension in them will be transferring straight to Lucy. He somehow manages to send Ryan another message.

_[Michael: You made Lucy cry]_

He’s bouncing Lucy on his hip and murmuring to try and soothe her when the next message comes in.

_[Ryan: Give her the piebald horse, that’s her favorite]_

Michael stares at the screen in confusion. He has no idea what piebald is, but he hopes that Lucy might be able to show him. He picks the horse she was playing with up off the tray and tries to hand it to her but she just knocks it out of his hand and onto the floor. Michael can feel this turning into a full on tantrum so he turns the stove off and takes his daughter upstairs, setting her down by her collection of horses and wishing that she’d learn to talk already.

Lucy makes a beeline for a particular horse from her collection, which seems to soothe her. As she sits with the horse in her hand, she looks at Michael expectantly. He realises that, although he’s learned a lot in the last year or so, he still hasn’t figured this out. He carefully sits facing his daughter, who waves her horse at him.

Michael looks at his phone, willing another instruction from Ryan to come through. It doesn’t, of course, so he’s forced to make another move. With one eye on Lucy, he leans over and allows his hand to hover near the horses. He moves down the line, picking one up when her face brightens. He holds his horse up next to hers and she seems satisfied with his choice, bringing her horse up to apparently nuzzle his.

Michael has no idea how long they play for, but both horses have to take a bath with Lucy, and she clutches them tightly as Michael reads her bedtime story. Eventually, she falls asleep with the horses by her side. Without really thinking about it, Michael snaps a quick picture and texts it to Ryan.

_[Michael: Think we found it, but I still don’t know what piebald is]_

Michael forces himself to stay awake in case a reply comes. It doesn’t.

*

There’s still no reply the following day and Michael finds himself again unsettled at the gap in his knowledge regarding his daughter. Between meetings and clinics and photoshoots, he starts to read. He’s astounded by how much there is to know, and he’s aware that his daughter probably doesn’t know any of it herself, but he’s keen to encourage her blossoming interest, so they begin to learn together.

Michael’s careful not to push Lucy in a certain direction; he wants her to do things because she likes them as much as possible. He passes on small things he learns, and looks things up when he doesn’t know the answer. Consequently, when Lucy’s second birthday rolls around a few months later, he’s fairly well versed in ponies, princesses and purses. He still feels no closer to understanding girls.

Nanny Three has morphed into Nanny Four – Michael hopes he isn’t getting a reputation in nanny circles – as Three had to return to Europe. If Michael’s honest, he wonders if Nanny Four is a bit of a mistake. She’s slightly on the frightening side and he’s not convinced that Lucy’s a fan, but he’s willing to see out the probation before he makes a final decision. Despite his reservations, the latest nanny ensures that the right kids are invited to Lucy’s birthday party and, at great expense to Michael, hires caterers and entertainers. He hopes that he can put a stop to this before his daughter’s suddenly a teenager and demanding MTV-worthy parties, but decides to worry about that later.

The party is on a sunny day in the early fall, so takes place mostly outside. Michael’s family are in attendance – he knows that his sisters and mother have arrived deliberately early in order to keep tabs on the nanny – and Lucy’s young friends are arriving with their plus ones.

Michael surveys the back yard and guesses that perhaps half of the adult guests are staff rather than parents, even though it is a Saturday. He contemplates this for a while, finding it sad and also realising how close he came to being that person, as well as how determined he is to ensure that he is Lucy’s parent, rather than just her father. Michael again finds himself wondering whether he should replace the current nanny when she inevitably leaves, or whether it might be time to go it alone.

Lucy’s delighted squeals from the jumping castle break through his thoughts and he smiles watching her play with a friend. Michael joins his daughter, bouncing on the inflatable until she starts to look a little nauseous and he decides it’s time for a different activity.

The birthday girl is the centre of attention – and, Michael notes, relishing this role – but she sticks close to Michael now that he has joined her. She pulls him across the yard when she wants to go and play with a new friend, chattering happily with the other girl in toddler-babble. Neither Michael, the other parent or the two kids notice another child hurtling over to them until it’s too late. Everything moves very quickly and when Michael gets a chance to assess the damage, he’s left with a tearful daughter in a stained dress as their new companion – who Michael now has marked down as a potential teenage threat – had been attempting to ply the birthday girl with juice.

Michael scoops his crying daughter up and makes some quick apologies to the crowd of people, taking Lucy inside and promising her that he’ll find a dress just as special as the one they’d picked out but is now covered in a bright orange stain.

As they reach the bottom of the stairs, the doorbell rings and Michael frowns: a sign at the front of the house has been sending guests straight to the yard, so this is either someone who can’t read or who isn’t here for the party. He readjusts Lucy on his hip, wiping her tears with his sleeve and ignoring her protestations as he reaches out to open the door.

Michael almost drops Lucy when he finds a toddler accompanied by Ryan on his doorstep.


	7. Chapter 7

Michael stares dumbly at Ryan for a moment before Lucy breaks the silence by squealing in delight at the appearance of her young friend with him. She paddles the air furiously until Michael gets the hint and puts her down. Lucy instantly grabs the other little girl’s hand and leads her into the house and up the stairs.

Michael wants to take the opportunity to quiz – or, yeah, molest – Ryan but instead he runs after his daughter and her friend, following them into Lucy’s bedroom. He, of course, finds them with the ponies: Lucy has handed her friend a specific pony to play with and, as Michael enters the room, she picks his usual pony out and waves it in his direction.

“Not right now, Luce,” he tells her, heading to the closet and looking through her dresses. “You have other friends to play with too, we’ll have to play ponies later. Which dress do you want?”

He turns to find Lucy pouting and perilously close to more tears – it’s at this point that it hits him that he’s totally screwed for the future – which always makes him more than a little unsure of himself. He hears footsteps behind him and watches as Ryan enters the room cautiously and crouches down between the two girls.

Ryan picks out a pony which Michael rarely sees Lucy touch (and that he isn’t allowed to touch himself) and joins in the game. Michael’s struck dumb at the sight, unable to take his eyes off Ryan as he moves his horse around the floor with the children. 

Eventually, Ryan makes a suggestion to Lucy: “Hey birthday girl, did you get any good presents?”

Lucy pauses in her game and nods at him. “Can I see them?” Ryan pushes. Lucy pouts, considering his request before nodding slowly. “Well,” he says, carefully drawing her closer, “you do know that the best party girls don’t wear the same outfit for their entire party, yeah? So we should get you changed. Shall we try some jeans, maybe?”

To Michael’s amazement, Lucy drops the pony and joins him in the closet. “Jeans,” she says simply, prompting him into action. He digs around and holds up a pair for her approval. She nods enthusiastically and he picks her up to pick out a vest and sweater. He quickly helps her change and once she’s on the floor in a pair of sneakers, she runs across the room, grabs her friend’s hand and dashes out with the other girl in tow.

Michael turns around to find Ryan placing the horses back in their little pen. Ryan stands up, but doesn’t look Michael in the eye. He clears his throat and says, “Better not keep her waiting, I bet she’s got a mountain to show me.”

Ryan crosses the room to follow Lucy and her friend downstairs, but Michael grabs his arm as he passes, holding him back. “Why are you here?” he asks quietly.

Again, Ryan fails to make eye contact. He bites his lip – Michael desperately wants to do that for him – before answering. “It’s my job.”

Michael can’t help himself from gabbling: “But you quit! The agency said...”

“That was then,” Ryan replies firmly, finally looking up and at Michael. He tugs his arm out of Michael’s grasp. “And it’s none of your business.”

Michael lets him go, but his first instinct is to follow Ryan around for the rest of the afternoon and push it. Then he remembers how serious Ryan can get, how he likes a line between professional and personal and all of the things Ryan’s told him before. 

As he follows Ryan and the children back out to the party, Michael’s mind conjures up a multitude of scenarios which could’ve brought Ryan to where he is. He tries to stop his brain from running wild, but the fact is that he cares about Ryan, and at some level he’s been concerned for him. Michael knows that he needs to find out the truth, but that Ryan isn’t going to give it to him. Or not today, at least. But Michael’s impatient, so he needs to figure out another way.

He glances around his back yard, taking in the sight of his daughter playing with her little friends and an idea hits him. Under the pretence of preparing the birthday cake, Michael calls his current nanny inside and quizzes her, making no attempt to be subtle about it (he figures that if news travels as fast through the nanny community as Ryan has previously led him to believe, she probably knows more than he’d like her to anyways).

What the nanny tells him actually serves to confuse Michael further, but he’s relieved to find out that, although Ryan’s back in town and hadn’t told him, it hasn’t been for long and it had been as much of a surprise for the other staff as it had been to Michael. Which leads Michael back to worrying. Ryan had seemed so adamant a few months ago, it had felt like he’d done an about face and made a conscious choice to do something mysterious and different but that nonetheless it was going to make him happy. Michael hopes that whatever it was didn’t sink or destroy Ryan on some level, and he resolves to get to the bottom of it.

But first, there are candles to blow out.

*

The only remaining guests are family when Michael carries Lucy upstairs to bed. As she’s already heavily asleep against him, he decides to break the rules and forego her nightly bath just this once: he’s grateful that the excitement of the day has successfully balanced out her sugar intake, so doesn’t want to wake her up and risk not being able to get her back to sleep, despite the presence of the nanny.

Michael very carefully undresses Lucy and wrestles her dozy form into pyjamas before settling her in her bed and tucking her in with a soft pony. He slips out of the room and creeps back downstairs, grabbing a beer from the fridge before joining his mom and sisters in the den.

As he walks past his mom on the way to the couch, she pats his hand and tells him, “I’m proud of you, Michael.”

He stops and stares for a moment before exhaustion takes over and he sinks into the couch, taking a swig of his beer. “Why now?”

“You did a good job today,” she tells him. “Actually, you’re doing a good job every day.”

Michael shrugs. “I have help, remember? It was your idea, I just pay for it.”

“Well,” Debbie relents, “my first choice for the job was still the best. He laid the foundations for you, but you’ve continued Ryan’s work.”

Michael sits bolt upright. He’d forgotten that his mother and Ryan had occupied the same space this afternoon, and suddenly wonders what chaos she’s managed to cause. “Did you speak to him? What did you say? Please tell me you were nice.”

Debbie frowns. “Why would I be anything but nice?”

Michael gives himself a mental kick and reminds himself that Debbie doesn’t know – or at least he thinks she doesn’t – about what happened between him and Ryan. “Uh...” he searches around for a reasonable excuse. “Because you didn’t want him to leave and you think it’s my fault?”

Debbie nods. “And for that he deserves my sympathy, not my criticism.”

Michael leans back again, allowing himself another drink. He doesn’t repeat his question, just waits for his mother to continue.

“He doesn’t seem happy,” she muses. Michael sits up straighter again, all ears. “Did you say something to him, Michael?”

“We barely spoke!” Michael tells her indignantly. “No, I didn’t say anything to upset him. I wasn’t expecting him, I didn’t know he was looking after one of Lucy’s friends until they showed up.”

“I see,” Debbie pauses again, seemingly wanting to make another suggestion. “So if you disagree that your nature as a boss isn’t what made him leave, do you think he’d take Lucy back on?”

Michael snorts. “No.”

“Why’s that?”

Michael wishes he knew for sure. “I don’t think he liked the terms,” he eventually says, hoping to imply that Ryan wasn’t a fan of travelling or the domestic situation, rather than conveying that he’d shoved him against a wall and kissed him.

“Well then the answer’s simple,” Debbie tells him. “Find terms he’ll agree to.”

As Michael finishes his beer, he begins to consider what might tempt Ryan back.


	8. Chapter 8

During a tedious conference call the following week, Michael tries to figure out the best way of bumping into Ryan. He starts with Ryan’s current clients, attempting to recall how Lucy would know the other kid – he didn’t recognise her and curses the fact that kids at Lucy’s age still change quite quickly and therefore can be hard to place. That’s his excuse anyway: he tries not to let himself think that he’s a shitty father these days.

Drawing a blank on common activities, Michael thinks back to what Ryan used to take Lucy to, but that isn’t helpful either, given that he seemed to take Lucy to more activities than he knew existed for kids of her age at the time. Michael’s getting frustrated and barely paying attention to what he should be doing, instead realising that what he really wants is to catch Ryan alone.

Calling him round is a possibility, Michael thinks, under the guise of a playdate. But he wonders if that might be obvious. Though Lucy and the other kid had seemed to be close friends, if their interaction during the game of ponies had been anything to go by. With the exception of Beijing, Michael remembers that the only times he’d seen Ryan without Lucy being present were at the airport several months before and – though he doesn’t really want to think about this one – that time in the bar downtown not long after Ryan had started working for him. The night he’d been making out with some other guy.

As the call continues, Michael doodles on a notepad and draws up a pros and cons list for his playdate idea. He’s busy assessing the two lists and barely notices the call end, but manages to catch on in time to say goodbye to the other participants and hangs up. Given that stalking Ryan isn’t an option, Michael decides it’ll have to be a playdate, so he leaves his office to try and find the nanny.

He doesn’t have to go far: as Michael’s crossing the foyer, the front door opens. The smell of chlorine hits Michael first, then Lucy and her nanny enter the house followed by Lucy’s friend and Ryan. The two men stare at each other for a moment, before Ryan speaks up.

“I, uh, think Charlotte left a sweater here yesterday,” he stammers, turning bright red.

Michael nods, “I found one in Lucy’s room last night.”

Lucy’s nanny frowns. “I didn’t...”

Michael cuts her off without taking his eyes off Ryan. “It’s in my office. Ryan, why don’t you come and get it? Lucy and Charlotte can go and get a snack with Lucy’s nanny.” He steps back, gesturing to the door behind him.

Ryan pauses in the doorway and turns to look at the nanny as she’s shepherding the children through towards the kitchen. “Charlotte’s lactose-intolerant,” he says. “She has a full sippy cup in her backpack, can you make sure she just has fruit to eat?”

Lucy’s nanny nods and ushers Lucy and Charlotte out of sight. Michael enters his office behind Ryan, shutting the door. He kicks himself for making Ryan go first – it’s a far from ideal situation for pushing Ryan against the back of the door and kissing him until he can’t breathe. He settles for crowding the other man against his desk instead, but before he can manoeuvre them into position, Ryan steps to the side of the desk and turns his attention to rummaging through his bag.

Eventually, Ryan produces a child’s sweater. Michael can’t help it – his jaw drops. Ryan looks up from fixing his bag and rolls his eyes.

“The fact that you told me you had it in here means you knew as well as I did that that was a lie,” Ryan drawls. He blushes, though. “So I thought ahead, what’s the big deal?”

“Have you done this before?” Michael asks, still a little stunned. He walks around behind his desk, thoughts of kissing Ryan forgotten for the time being.

“No,” Ryan answers too quickly. He cringes. “Yes. Well, sort of.”

“I knew it,” Michael murmurs, shaking his head. “Does every nanny sleep with one of their bosses? Is it, like, some sort of initiation?”

“I’d just like to remind you that the only place we’ve currently slept together is in your dreams,” Ryan says, raising an eyebrow and giving Michael a pointed look. It’s Michael’s turn to blush. He decides he doesn’t like the fact that Ryan’s waltzed in and taken control. That was supposed to be his job.

Michael opens his mouth to speak but Ryan holds a hand up and sinks into the chair across the desk from Michael. “You don’t need to lie about it,” he cuts in before Michael has a chance to speak. “I know you’ve thought about it. I can see it in your face.”

Michael frowns, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “And I knew you’d try to cook up some sort of plan once you knew I was back, so I thought I’d get in first,” Ryan continues.

“Congratulations,” Michael replies coolly, annoyed that Ryan is five steps ahead of him. “The floor’s yours, then.”

Ryan takes a deep breath and looks straight at him. “I’m sorry for not being in touch,” he begins. “And for, uh, withdrawing my offer of a visit. I’m actually kinda surprised you didn’t just, uh, show up anyways.”

Surprised or disappointed, Michael wonders. Part of him wants to interject, but the part that wants to win whatever game this is forces him to wait. 

Ryan clears his throat before continuing. “I had meant what I said. Because those, uh, obstacles that I mentioned in Beijing obviously don’t exist anymore.”

Michael pounces on that statement, wanting to make Ryan squirm a little. “Which obstacles were those?”

“Yeah, you were a bit drunk, I’ll refresh your memory,” Ryan retorts. Michael clenches his fists, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He decides it’s not worth keeping score anymore and goes back to waiting. “I mean: obviously, you’re not straight – or maybe not entirely, or not sure anymore. You’re not my boss anymore. And I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”

Michael nods, satisfied with the clarification. “As I was saying,” Ryan continues. Michael watches him, wondering if this speech is rehearsed. “I didn’t intend to disappear. When I went back to Florida... some unexpected stuff happened. So I just had to, uh, deal with things.”

Michael frowns again and waits for a little while, hoping that Ryan will get the hint and elaborate on what caused him to go off the radar. “The bottom line is: despite the fact that you’re not my boss anymore, I’m single and you’re at least a little curious,” Ryan pauses again, seeming to think very carefully about how he puts what he’s about to say, “I can’t go there.”

Tempted as he is to grab something from his desk and throw it at the wall, Michael doesn’t. Instead he asks another question, probing Ryan further. “Go where?”

Ryan swallows and squirms a little, clearly uncomfortable with being put on the spot. “I can’t have anything but a professional relationship with you.”

And that’s Michael’s in. “So come back,” he says simply.

Ryan shakes his head instantly. “I can’t do that either.”

Michael leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk, knowing it’s time to push. “Ryan, I’m not the only one who noticed that something’s not right with you. Whatever the reason is for you disappearing, whatever pushed you back to the job that you stopped loving, whatever’s brought you back to Baltimore, it doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that something’s wrong. I want to help.”

“Hitting on me really won’t help,” Ryan blurts out. He stands up, putting his bag on his shoulder and picking up the sweater. “And before you even think about it, offering me more money won’t change my mind.”

“I know,” Michael says quickly, getting out of his chair. “I got the message on that one.”

“Finally,” Ryan mutters under his breath.

“What will change your mind?” Michael presses.

“Surely that’s irrelevant?” Ryan asks. “You have a nanny.”

“That’s my business and my problem, not yours,” Michael insists. Suddenly, a potential game-changer pops into his head. “But if you’re available again, I’d do whatever it took to have you back. I’ve had three nannies since you left and not one of them has even come close to being as great with Lucy as you were.” 

Ryan visibly stiffens and Michael mentally awards himself a point. But Ryan shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I’d love to,” he falters slightly. “But I can’t. Things are different now.”

Michael can’t remember the last time he felt so frustrated. For some reason, Ryan’s cut him off before he can even make the advance he wants to in terms of a personal relationship, and he’s also preventing a resurrection of their professional relationship.

“Was I a bad boss?” he asks suddenly, his mom’s words coming back to him.

“No, dude,” Ryan tells him earnestly. “I’ve had way worse. In the beginning you were, like, a less than ideal parent. But you were just in shock. Most new parents are, I’ve seen that tons of times. But you’ve pulled it around.”

He pauses and looks up at Michael. “In a way, I’m a little disappointed that you still have a nanny full-time.” Michael can’t prevent the embarrassment from flooding his face and Ryan claps a hand over his mouth, not quite believing what he just said. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Ryan babbles. “I totally didn’t mean that. It’s not my place to comment, for all I know, you’re totally busy with your charity and stuff... Fuck.” He moves swiftly to the door and starts to open it.

Michael pushes it closed again, putting himself between Ryan and the door and makes a final attempt to change the other man’s mind. “I meant what I said: whatever it takes to have you look after Lucy again,” he insists, holding Ryan’s gaze.

Ryan rubs a hand through his hair. “Can I go away and think about it?” he offers, looking for a compromise. 

Michael takes it with a nod. “Let me know how I can help. Call me?”

“Maybe,” Ryan relents. “I’ve got the weekend off, but I’m out of town.”

Michael bites his tongue so that he doesn’t pry, though his mind races straight to the possibility that Ryan’s got a date or something. He has to give himself a mental slap to remind himself that Ryan has only just confirmed the fact that he’s single. Michael takes a steadying breath and opens the door for Ryan. “I hope you enjoy your weekend,” is what he settles for.

Ryan nods. “Thanks. I’ll try.”

They walk through the house together, finding the nanny with the two kids in the kitchen. Ryan flashes Lucy’s nanny a smile. “Thanks for looking after Charlotte,” he says. He lifts the little girl out of the chair she’s sat in. “C’mon, miss. I’ve got your sweater, time to go home.”

Michael picks Lucy up and starts to follow Ryan towards the front door.

“Make sure you check that you haven’t left anything behind this time!” Lucy’s nanny calls out, no hint of helpfulness in her voice, just pure sarcasm.

Michael sees Ryan freeze ahead of him and he knows exactly what he needs to do next. He crosses his fingers and sends up a quick prayer that the thing he’s about to do pulls Ryan in rather than pushes him away for good.

He turns to face the nanny, Lucy still attached to his hip and calmly says, “You can do the same: you’re fired.”


	9. Chapter 9

Michael spends a week trying to achieve the impossible: keep a secret from his family and not arouse suspicion. The nanny leaves the same day he fires her and Michael flies solo for the first time since his mom hired Ryan without him knowing. He makes sure the agency know he’s only interested in one nanny, but insists he’ll handle it personally. They give him shit about it, which he cheerfully ignores.

Michael finds Lucy easier to look after now that she’s not four months old and sleeps through the night, but he does find himself in bed and asleep before 9pm every night for the first time since he retired. 

On his seventh night without a nanny, Michael manages to lie awake and think. It occurs to him that it’s Wednesday night – days of the week seem irrelevant to a full-time single parent, so he hadn’t really been keeping track. Michael hasn’t really used days this week, instead measuring time by Lucy’s activities and his own schedule. But it’s Wednesday. He had hoped that Ryan would’ve been in touch on Monday.

Michael convinces himself that Ryan hadn’t forgotten – and he’s aware that, at a subconscious level, his own dick and his brain definitely hadn’t forgotten – and thinks back through the options he’s previously conjured up as to why Ryan’s been behaving so strangely, and what might be preventing him from re-entering his and Lucy’s lives. He’d ruled out hatred of Lucy as an option straight away. Fatherly bias aside, Ryan has admitted previously that she’s a great kid, so Michael can easily console himself with the fact that he’s not raising a monster.

He hopes desperately that whatever issues Ryan’s handling aren’t to do with an ex. Because that would mean that Ryan’s at least emotionally, and possibly physically still involved with someone else. And that Michael will have to fuck someone’s shit up, because whoever it is clearly isn’t doing Ryan any good.

He’s decided that a stronger possibility is a former employer that Ryan got too involved with. The more Michael thinks on it, the more signs he sees which point towards Ryan having experience with that scenario and the more it worries him that Ryan’s made a rule for himself and won’t go there again. The one thing that stops Michael convincing himself that this is the actual problem is Ryan’s intense professionalism. He knows it’s one of the things that won Debbie over in the first place and he’s aware that his mom is normally a great judge of character. Something doesn’t sit right for Michael with this theory, which leads him to his final theory.

Michael also knows that, though he usually hides it well for the sake of his job, Ryan’s from a large, tight-knit family. And that something being off-kilter in Lochte-land would be the one thing to really throw his life out of balance. This possibility concerns Michael the most, not only because he’d hate for Ryan and his family to be going through something bad, but because in all the time he’s known Ryan, he’s only once thought to ask about the other man’s family, and that was a long time ago. Michael feels guilty about it, and knows that he needs to get some answers before he goes completely nuts.

Having worked his way through all of his conspiracy theories, Michael rolls over, pounds his pillow into the right shape and falls into an uneasy sleep.

*

Thursday is Lucy’s swimming day. Since he first took her to the pool, Michael’s tried to go with Lucy at least once per fortnight, but has so far avoided taking her to her actual classes. The idea intimidates him more than he’s prepared to admit. However, on this occasion, he knows that the situation is his own fault. And that he should suck it up and get over his own reservations for his daughter’s benefit.

As Michael steps out onto the deck with Lucy, he feels a strong urge to do some pre-race type arm swings, but settles for just doing them in his head. They’re the first ones to arrive for the class, so he drops into the water with his daughter, introduces himself to the instructor and bobs around with Lucy as they wait for the other participants to arrive.

Michael relaxes into the water, though keeping an eye out for the other kids. He keeps a strong paternal watch on Lucy when she gets excited as her friends join them. She gets particularly animated when the final child arrives: Charlotte, accompanied by Ryan. Although he’d done his best to prepare for this eventuality, Michael has to fight to temper his own excitement, settling for a smile and a nod of acknowledgement in Ryan’s direction.

The class begins and Michael can’t remember the last time he was so focused in a pool. He’s careful not to come across as a pushy parent, or get too competitive, trying to make sure Lucy enjoys herself. If her reluctance to leave the pool at the end of the session is anything to go by, Michael decides he’s done a good job.

He shepherds Lucy into the locker room, conscious of not letting her get cold. It’s only when he makes a final sweep of their locker once they’re both dressed and ready to go that he realises that Ryan is doing the same thing three lockers away. Michael takes a deep breath and leads Lucy over to Ryan and Charlotte, grateful that she brought an obligatory pair of ponies along and that the girls are happy to engage in some chatter so that he can talk to Ryan.

He knows he doesn’t have much time, so he tries to organise his thoughts as quickly as possible. He starts with an apology.

“I’m sorry you saw that last week,” Michael begins. “It was really unprofessional.”

Ryan shrugs, closing the locker and turning to look at him. “I’ve seen worse.”

Michael nods. “How was your weekend off?”

Ryan scratches the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. “Um. Not how you’d really want a weekend off to be, but it could’ve been worse,” he eventually says.

Michael can’t help but look concerned. “I feel like... something’s wrong and you’re not telling me. Or anyone.”

Ryan gets defensive. “Why should I? You’re not my boss. It doesn’t matter.”

“No I’m not, but yes it does. And I could be your boss again.”

“You didn’t replace her?”

Michael shakes his head. Ryan blinks in response. “So you’ve been by yourself for, what, a week?”

Michael nods. “Yeah. And I’ve really enjoyed it, actually. But,” he treads carefully now, “it’s probably not quite workable just yet. Maybe in a few years when she starts school... but at the moment, I could really do with someone part-time, I think.”

He pauses to let Ryan take that in. “Is that more appealing to you?”

Ryan holds Michael’s gaze but, frustratingly, Michael can’t read him. Ryan shifts his bag on his shoulder, glancing down at the two kids between them. “Maybe,” he concedes.

Michael jumps on that. “So let’s talk about it,” he insists. “When’s your next day off?”

Ryan swallows and clears his throat. “The, uh, deal with Charlotte is actually just Monday to Friday. I’m off from three tomorrow afternoon, but I’m going away again.”

Michael bites back a frustrated groan and tries to relax his shoulders to stop himself from wheeling around and putting his fist through a locker. Not a good look in front of his kid. He exhales, trying to figure out what to do next.

“If you’re, uh, free,” Ryan says quietly, hesitantly, “I could do with a ride to the airport?”

It’s phrased as a question and Ryan’s said it so softly that Michael’s not sure he heard right. He doesn’t like to look desperate but he nods straight away. “Where shall I pick you up?”

*

The following afternoon, Michael waits down the block from Charlotte’s house for Ryan. He’s dropped Lucy off with Debbie, citing an unfortunate clash of a meeting he can’t possibly miss with the nanny’s afternoon off and crosses every appendage possible in the hope that Lucy doesn’t rat him out. He’s pretty sure two year olds don’t understand the concept of their nanny being sacked, but he wouldn’t put it past his mom to prise a secret out of her granddaughter.

He puts those thoughts out of his mind and focuses on the task in hand: talking Ryan into a return. And finding out what’s up with him. Michael drums his fingers on the steering wheel and checks the rear-view again, looking out for Ryan.

A minute later, the door to the backseat opens and Ryan puts his bag in the car, before climbing into the passenger seat. “Thanks for giving me a ride,” he says by way of greeting.

“No problem,” Michael replies. He waits for Ryan to buckle up and adjusts his mirrors before pulling out, all in an attempt to make the experience last for as long as possible. He’s glad that Ryan doesn’t question his lack of use of the GPS, also hoping that Ryan doesn’t know these streets quite as well as he does and that he therefore doesn’t notice that Michael’s taking a detour.

Neither of them speaks for a few minutes, and it’s Michael who breaks the silence. “There’s a draft contract in the glove box,” he begins. “I’d like you to take it and have a look at it – let me know if there’s any terms you’d like to discuss, but I think you’ll find it an attractive offer.”

He forces himself to stay focused on the road, knowing that if he puts Ryan under the pressure of his gaze, he’s far less likely to extract any new information from him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Ryan lean forward to open the glove box, retrieving the envelope.

Michael softens his tone when he continues. “Do you remember the conversation we had before you came on that trip with Lucy and me?”

“Yeah,” Ryan replies quietly.

“You said it was important that you knew what the deal was with Lucy’s mom and me, how it had all happened,” Michael reminds him. He lets the statement settle before speaking again. “I’d really like you to work with Lucy again. But you’ll have to tell me what’s going on.”

“I haven’t agreed to anything yet,” Ryan points out.

“I’m aware of that,” Michael replies calmly. “But I’m hoping that you will. And if you tell me before we start negotiating, it means you’ll be able to get a better deal for yourself. Because I’m hoping that you’ll be with us for longer than you were before, and if we set this up right, it has a better chance of doing that.” The hint that this is for Lucy’s benefit is there, rather than this just being about Ryan and Michael. Without looking at Ryan, Michael knows he’s scored some points.

Ryan sighs. “It’s complicated.”

“That’s fine. I want to know and I want to help,” Michael insists. “Maybe start with why you left in the first place? Because I feel like there was a positive reason, which might make things easier.”

Ryan rubs a hand over his face and, mercifully, begins to tell his story. “You’re right; it was supposed to be a positive. But it wasn’t out of the blue like you probably think. I did an internship in New York during college, because I wanted to work in design somehow. And that opened a lot of doors but also showed me the reality. I couldn’t afford to, like, struggle after college, so I decided at the end of that summer that I’d focus on getting a stable job instead.”

He pauses, apparently getting lost in thought. Michael’s mind is again conjuring images, assuming that there’s a lot more to this part of the story than Ryan’s willing to give at this point, but that the full relevance might come out later. So hard as it is, he just waits.

“So I became a nanny,” Ryan continues. “But for one reason or another, I carried on pursuing my... hobby. And I started saving a little bit, but I didn’t really know how to ultimately make it happen until I made another contact and things... I dunno. Got a little clearer.”

He sighs again and Michael chances a glance across. He’s startled to see that Ryan’s eyes are closed and he’s grimacing. Michael snaps his gaze back to the road, realising that this tale has more emotional connections for Ryan than he’d anticipated.

“And one thing led to another and I worked for you and... don’t you know the rest?” he asks exasperatedly.

Michael looks at Ryan again, holding his gaze for a second. “You’re talking about when you split with your ex and decided to drop nannying and run?”

Ryan gives him a withering look. “Did you have to be so cold about it?”

Michael shrugs and focuses on driving again. Ryan rolls his eyes and continues. “So I was down in Florida, trying to figure out how to make it happen, change careers and... I don’t know. I... kinda wanted to have a store or something. It was a stupid idea.”

“And then,” he sighs again, “it never rains in Florida but it fucking pours, right?”

Michael grips the steering wheel a little tighter, bracing himself for the bad bits. “Like... the recession hasn’t been kind to that part of the world really anyways. My mom runs a day care centre and... I had no idea what was going on. But it wasn’t good. And I felt guilty. And I was trying to figure out how to help her and then...” Ryan’s voice cracks at this point. Some pieces have dropped into place for Michael now and he wants to tell Ryan to stop but his brain and his mouth aren’t co-operating.

“She’s sick, Mike. Like, in and out of the hospital sick. So that costs money and the business costs money and my brothers and sisters and I are running around trying to hold it all together and I had no time to do my own thing. Because that’s how I could help: I looked after the business and I threw money at the health situation. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, because she’s my mom and you only get one of those.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Michael asks softly.

Ryan laughs. “Because typically, that’s not it. Oh no, that wasn’t enough problems for me to cope with.”

Ryan shakes his head and laughs a little before he continues. “Stupid me, thought I had to push myself to get my fashion thing going and I made a promise to someone and because of this I couldn’t keep it and now they’re pissed because I couldn’t keep my promise and they look stupid and that’s my chance gone. Like, I’m not ready to try again anyways, because I’m busy holding down a job and looking after my family still, but that was the connection I’d made and... I’ve blown it.”

When Michael looks over at Ryan again, he’s slumped in his seat, gazing out at the road in front of them. He clearly feels Michael looking at him, because he slowly turns to look back at him. “There it is. My Lost Six Months, by Ryan Lochte.”

Michael pulls the car over at the airport and runs a hand through his hair, thinking. “Sounds like what you really need is a vacation, not a new job.”

Ryan laughs. “Thanks man,” he replies. “Last thing on the list of things I can achieve right now. Believe me, switching my flight so that I go somewhere else and disappear and don’t tell anyone is so tempting. But, responsibility. Family. And stuff.”

He leans over into the back to grab his bag and stuffs the envelope inside it. Ryan pauses with his hand on the door handle. “Actually,” he pulls the envelope back out and starts to put it back in the glove box.

“What are you doing?” Michael asks, panicked. He’d thought this was going well, in the sense that he now understood what was making Ryan act the way he had been.

“You don’t need this,” Ryan explains, closing the glove box. “You don’t need me being all flaky and having to take time out to go and save the world and shit. You and Lucy need reliability and someone who can really give themselves...”

Michael cuts him off, leaning over to grab the envelope. He puts it in Ryan’s bag. “We need you. She likes you, I like you, it works. We can make it work with what you have going on. You said yourself that a full-time nanny isn’t what I need. What I do need is someone I can trust, who will do a great job. That’s you.”

Ryan glances at his watch and makes a more determined effort to get out of the car. “I’ve got a plane to catch,” he says in response. “If I get a chance...”

“I’ll call you on Monday night,” Michael asserts, “to see what changes we’ve both come up with.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow. “You won’t,” he replies.

“I will,” Michael promises.

“You’ll have been alone with Lucy for ten days,” Ryan tells him flatly. “A hundred bucks says you’re asleep on the couch before eight.”

He hops out of the car, slamming the door behind him. Michael watches him head into the terminal, hoping that Ryan doesn’t make good on his promise to disappear.


	10. Chapter 10

When Michael picks Lucy up from his mom’s, he knows something isn’t right. He finds Lucy curled up on the couch, looking decidedly lethargic and far more placid than she usually does at five o’clock in the evening after a visit with grandma.

Michael normally asks Lucy to gather her belongings, but he takes pity on her and collects them up himself – noting as he does so that none of them have gone very far – before carefully scooping his daughter into his arms and carrying her out to the car. Lucy’s heavier than usual against him, issuing a small whimper when he removes her from the comfort of the couch and buckles her into her car seat. 

Michael drives home quickly, checking the rear view every few seconds to make sure that Lucy’s okay. She hasn’t said a word to him and seems to be dozing on and off. Five minutes from home, Lucy finally speaks: she mumbles something about her head hurting before projectile vomiting all over the backseat and bursting into tears. His own stomach twists in anguish and Michael checks the road ahead of him before putting his foot down and leaning over to try and get Lucy’s attention and soothe her a little. When he sees the full extent of the situation, he winces and quickly realises that he doesn’t stand a chance.

With the car abandoned on the drive, Michael extracts Lucy from her seat and takes her straight upstairs to the bathroom. He runs a bath, strips off Lucy’s dirty clothes and takes her temperature as he texts his mom to ask if his daughter had seemed strange all afternoon or if this was a recent development.

Once Lucy’s in the bath, she visibly relaxes a little – a realisation which makes Michael’s chest tighten as he gets a pause to marvel at the power of nature over nurture and how much of a Phelps Lucy really is. He watches her carefully, noting that she’s still subdued. His mom texts back to say that Lucy had been quiet, but wasn’t running a fever and had eaten normally. Michael frowns, wondering what’s brought this on. Part of him wants to ask his mom for her advice, but a bigger part wants to figure it out for himself.

As he gets Lucy out of the bath and tries to settle her in bed, soothing her with one of her favourite pony stories, Michael tries to think of what Ryan would do. A flash of inspiration finds him perilously close to texting his former employee for advice, but Michael catches himself in time, deciding he doesn’t want to look like he can’t handle it. That and he knows that Ryan has more than enough on his plate. And that his plane is still in the air. Michael lets out an involuntary groan at the thought that he’s managed to work out Ryan’s itinerary for the evening in the middle of reading his sick daughter a bedtime story, and refocuses on the task in hand.

Lucy eventually drops off to sleep and Michael checks her temperature again, adjusting the blankets as necessary before creeping out of the room. When he gets to the top of the stairs, ready to head straight to the fridge and grab a beer before hitting the internet and his neglected stack of childcare books, Michael groans again: in his superhero-style dash earlier, he’d left the front door open. And outside waiting for him is his dirty car.

Michael sighs and digs out Lucy’s baby monitor from the back of a cupboard. He quietly sets it up in her room, taking the portable part outside with him as he sets about cleaning up the car. Extracting Lucy’s car seat carefully, Michael winces and hopes that this thing doesn’t last all weekend.

*

Michael can’t remember the last time he and Lucy had such a bad night. Whatever’s gotten into her body is relentless and by three in the morning, they’re both exhausted. In a moment of inspiration – partly due to the very real fact that he had run out of clean linen for Lucy’s bed – Michael had hit upon the idea of taking a beanbag into the bathroom two hours before. So here he was, sprawled across it with Lucy whimpering against his chest, trying to help her to relax.

Despite not being able to recall the last time he felt this tired – his best guess would be at some point before he retired – Michael can’t fall asleep. Lucy had been throwing up almost hourly and although he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and drift off, Michael’s body was primed to respond in case his daughter needed him. He was glad he’d brought one of the books with him, quietly flipping through it for something, anything, which would help him.

Lucy twitches against him and Michael looks away from the book to check on her. Mercifully, she appears to be settling further down into a decent sleep. As he watches her protectively, it hits Michael that this was the first time since he’d taken custody of his daughter that he has felt alone. He finds himself wondering whether his mom had ever felt like this, how much more challenging it might have been with three kids rather than just one, and how it’d be really great to have another adult to discuss how to deal with this right now. Before Lucy had entered his life, Michael mostly relished his alone-time, and often chose when it was. He enjoyed the respite from the press, his coaches and, occasionally, his family. When he could just be alone: no noise, no questions and no lies.

And yeah, sometimes noise was great. Michael’s old life had offered him opportunities to party like relatively few people could. A lot of drinks and girls and chances were flung in his direction, and he’d gone through periods of lapping it up like a champ fully aware that, were he not a prodigiously talented and successful sportsperson, this would not have been his life. But sometimes it was nice to close the door too; just be himself, rather than Michael Phelps, Olympic medallist.

After so long without it and having adjusted to a new normal, Michael found the quiet uncomfortable in this instance. He enjoys watching Lucy sleep, peaceful and innocent, and relishes the opportunities, as he knows that there will come a time when it will no longer be possible. It’s nice that she’s not crying – or vomiting – but he worries that there’s something seriously wrong. Michael gently strokes Lucy’s hair and tries to concentrate again on his book.

When no clear answer presents itself – though he does read something useful about electrolytes and rehydration that he tries to remember to re-visit when Lucy’s able to keep fluids down again – Michael puts the book down, sinks further into the beanbag and falls asleep beneath his daughter, bathroom light still on.

*

To Michael’s relief, Saturday morning brings much less vomit. He and Lucy slump together on the couch watching a brightly-coloured children’s show which makes absolutely no sense whether your brain is addled with exhaustion or you’re fully switched on.

Lucy manages to sip at some water, but doesn’t mention being hungry. Michael doesn’t eat either, for fear of the smell of food setting her off again. As the TV entertains his daughter, Michael checks his book again for the advice he’d read in the early hours of the morning. He needs to make an assessment of his bathroom cabinet, and glances over at Lucy to see how she is. She seems distracted enough, so he decides against asking her approval to move – knowing he won’t get it – and quietly gets up and sneaks upstairs.

Michael’s frustrated to discover that he doesn’t have anything that fulfils the non-food rehydration requirement – there isn’t even any sports nutrition type leftovers from his own stash, though he does vaguely remember having a ritual clearing out session sometime during the heady phase of early retirement excitement. Michael rakes a hand through his hair with a sigh, trying to come up with an alternative that doesn’t involve leaving the house or calling his mom. He wonders if the drugstore can be persuaded to deliver, or if his agent could help. Then he gives himself a shake and issues a reminder that he’d vowed to be a proper parent, not one with loads of money who can make anything happen with the flash of a credit card.

The idea of not making a purchase takes hold, and Michael wonders if there might be something less obviously medication-related that could help Lucy. A quick internet search provides some slightly wacky homemade remedies, but Michael’s feeling a little Stepford so decides to see what he can find in the kitchen.

His mission is hampered slightly by Lucy hearing him and letting out a slightly gurgled, “Daddy!”

Michael pauses by the couch on his way to the kitchen and strokes Lucy’s head. “How are you feeling, sweetie?”

Lucy manages a, “Yucky,” accompanied by a screwed up face and reaching her arms out to him. Michael can’t resist his daughter and leans over the back of the couch, picking her up and settling her on his hip. He carries Lucy with him to the kitchen, kissing her forehead and rubbing her back gently as they go.

Michael searches the cupboards and comes up one ingredient short which, if he’s honest, is better than he thought he’d do. He turns to Lucy. “We’re gonna have to go out, shall we go and put some proper clothes on?”

She makes a face to signal her disapproval so Michael attempts to reason with her. “Well, we need to get you something to eat. What do you feel like having?”

Lucy initially buries her face in his shoulder and he squeezes her gently, trying to coax an answer out of her. “I kinda want some toast, will you eat some with me?”

She looks up at him again and says, “Maybe.”

“Great,” Michael smiles encouragingly. “Except we don’t have any bread,” he lies. “So let’s go and find some clothes and we’ll go to the store and come back really fast and watch more TV. Or play ponies. Or read. Okay?”

Lucy nods reluctantly and allows Michael to take her upstairs and dress her. Michael decides to be bold and walk the short distance to the nearest store, hoping that the fresh air will help them both.

The walk does indeed perk Lucy up a bit. She holds Michael’s hand, pointing at a few things in the street and asking what they are. She also makes a bold attempt to pet a cat and gets upset when the animal runs away instead. Michael tries to explain that cats sometimes aren’t very friendly, but Lucy can’t understand why the animal wouldn’t want to be petted. Michael tells her that he prefers dogs and, of course, Lucy then wants to know if they can have one.

Fortunately, that discussion doesn’t last long as they walk into the store and Michael tries to get what they need as quickly as possible. Having gathered everything up, they join the line to pay. Now that they’re stood still, Michael can see that Lucy’s getting cranky, and he kicks himself for not bringing the stroller.

He’s never been so pleased to be recognised in public as he is when the woman in front figures out who he is, sees the clear predicament of a cranky and sickly-looking child – Michael’s actually amazed that he doesn’t get judged for bringing a sick child out in public – and steps aside to let him go first. He thanks her profusely, pays quickly and steels himself for the walk home and inevitably having to carry Lucy.

Michael’s grateful that he’s still been hitting the gym regularly, because Lucy’s not as light as she used to be. It again occurs to him that three years previously he would not have guessed that he’d be in this position now, but as he chats to his daughter to try and distract her from the fact that she’s not feeling well, he also knows that she’s one of the best things he’s ever managed to do. The fact that he wasn’t even trying to accomplish this is what’s even more remarkable to Michael – everything else he’s proud of in life has involved a hell of a lot of work and aching muscles.

Once they’re home, Michael settles Lucy back into her position on the couch and gives her some water and puts the TV back on. Checking his watch, Michael sees that they’ve missed her usual nap time which, along with the pretty sleepless night, would explain her tiredness. He pulls Lucy in close and she curls up around him, dozing off on his lap. Michael strokes Lucy’s hair, deciding that their attempt at eating can wait: he’s going to enjoy the quiet.

*

On Sunday, progress is made on two fronts: Michael and Lucy spend most of the day away from the couch – and the bathroom – and Lucy enthusiastically consumes some dry toast. Their main activity for the day is colouring. Lucy is yet to develop any real skill in the area, but Michael dutifully puts her scribbles up on the fridge. They’re a mixture of yellow, brown, black and grey, leading Michael to have a sneaking suspicion that Lucy’s not forgotten that she needs to talk him into getting a dog.

Normally, Michael wouldn’t have questioned the idea, and he’d have been out dog shopping as soon as it occurred to him. But that was pre-Lucy. He’s not sure how compatible a puppy and a toddler would be, and finds himself drawn to the thought that he should probably research kid-friendly dogs before settling on a decision.

Lucy sends him another less than subtle signal when she picks a book at bedtime which involves two dogs as the main characters. And makes him read it twice. When he’s finally able to leave her alone, Michael settles on the couch, cues up the football game he’d recorded and watches it at the same time as researching breeds of dog, wondering when this became his life.

*

Mercifully, Lucy sleeps through the entire night in her own bed – after their night on the beanbag on Friday, she had joined Michael in his bed for most of Saturday night – and Michael finds his daughter awake and alert, playing with her ponies early on Monday morning. Before Lucy notices him watching, Michael allows himself a quiet moment of celebration that he’s made it through the worst weekend since Debbie had hired Ryan without asking for any help.

After breakfast – Lucy has half a banana as well as toast – Michael decides that it’s time to make sure Lucy really is better, or he’ll have to seriously re-think the week. He leaves Lucy with her toys once she’s dressed and very quickly gets himself ready, making a call to his agent at the same time. The news that he has to pull out of two meetings and four teleconferences doesn’t go down well – and Michael is told in no uncertain terms that he really has to sort out his childcare if he wants to continue earning money – but Michael’s insistent. He knows that today his daughter needs him far more than his business interests do.

Michael kind of wants to go to the pool, but knows that isn’t the best idea with Lucy making her first real trip outside since Friday. So as a compromise, he takes her to the aquarium. It’s quiet, so they have as much time as they want to look at all of the creatures. Michael reads the signs to Lucy and tells her what all of the things they can see are. She stares in wide-eyed wonder at them, trying to drink it all in. 

As soon as he unthinkingly asks Lucy what her favourite thing she’s seen is on the way out, he winces and braces himself for the inevitable, “Can we have a dolphin?”, but it doesn’t come. She actually claims to like the turtles best. Michael feels sorry for the dolphins, though decides he’s pleased his daughter made a more original choice.

Wary of pushing Lucy too hard when she’s looking more like herself for the first time in a couple of days, Michael takes her home for a nap. Once she’s asleep and he catches sight of the time, he realises he could just about make it onto one of his conference calls and appease his agent a little, but decides against it: his agent’s already aware that he’s not available, Lucy might need him at a moment’s notice and he’d really fucking like a nap himself.

Michael dozes off on the couch, only waking up when Lucy crawls into his lap and tells him that she’s hungry. Michael grins at his daughter and fixes them some lunch, listening to Lucy talk more about their visit to the aquarium. The afternoon is spent playing and colouring again – Michael’s dismayed when Lucy adds some green splodges to her previous colour palette, taking it as a sign that she does indeed like the idea of having a dog _and_ a turtle, though knows that this is probably a slightly more practical pet than a dolphin. And when he mentally adds a herd of ponies to the growing menagerie, Michael seriously reconsiders his parenting life choices in terms of so far not pushing Lucy towards a more straightforward pursuit. Like swimming.

He decides it might be time to sneakily plant the seed with Lucy by leaving her in front of the TV as he prepares dinner. Michael scrolls through the sports channels in an attempt to find some aquatics – even diving will do at this point, he figures – but in the process manages to make another fatal error. Lucy squeals with delight as his channel-flipping results in a horse and rider appearing on the screen. She’s instantly transfixed, and Michael knows that changing the channel is more than his life is worth.

Michael kisses Lucy’s hair as he leaves her to watch, murmuring, “I’ll be in the kitchen, okay?” Lucy just nods in response and Michael idly wonders whether she’d notice if the house burst into flames.

Half an hour later, Michael returns to let Lucy know that dinner is ready. His insistence that she leave the TV and sit in the kitchen to eat is met with intense disapproval and cries of, “No, Daddy! Watching the horses!”

“I’ll record it,” he promises, picking up the remote and setting the DVR. “We can watch it tomorrow. You need to come and eat, please.”

Lucy pouts hard, and Michael gets a suspicion that she’ll flutter her eyelashes any second and play on the fact that she’s been sick, but the doorbell interrupts their argument. Michael uses the distraction to flip the TV off and pick Lucy up. She wails in protest as he takes her to the door, but the displeasure turns once again to excitement when it turns out that Ryan is waiting on the doorstep.

“Ryan!” Lucy cries. “Watch horses with me?”

Michael clears his throat and tries to adopt a stern expression. “We talked about this already, Luce. Dinner, bath and story now; horses tomorrow.”

Lucy resumes her pouting. Fortunately for Michael, Ryan gets the hint. “You know I love horses, Lucy, but I’m really hungry, can we eat?” Ryan asks.

Lucy holds the pout for a few more seconds before sighing and nodding. Michael steps back to let Ryan in and shoots him a look which he hopes says, “thank you”.

“Did you guys have a good weekend?” Ryan asks as they proceed to the kitchen.

“We saw turtles!” Lucy tells him.

“You did? Were they, like, in the back yard?” Ryan quizzes Lucy, who giggles.

“No, silly!” 

“We went to the aquarium this morning,” Michael continues, plating up some food for each of them as Ryan, without being asked, gets Lucy settled at the table.

“Daddy likes dolphins,” Lucy adds.

“Well that’s not surprising. I think he and the dolphins get each other,” Ryan says seriously.

Michael rolls his eyes and tells a confused Lucy, “He thinks it’s because I’m a good swimmer, he’s just joking Luce. Eat your beans first, please.”

“What else did you do?” Ryan asks as they start to eat.

Lucy seems to think hard as she picks up her food and begins to eat. Concerned that the dinner table conversation might get inappropriate, Michael steps in. “Lucy wasn’t feeling so hot this weekend so we’ve pretty much stayed in.”

“Is that your dad telling me he just wanted to play video games and tricked you?” Ryan asks.

Lucy shakes her head. “I wish,” Michael mutters. He helps Lucy with her food before returning his attention to his own plate, suddenly realising he can feel Ryan’s eyes on him. He looks up at the other man questioningly.

“I, uh, thought you were looking a little tired,” Ryan offers. “I thought maybe you’d been out or something.”

“Nope, nothing so exciting,” Michael replies. “Just looking after Lucy.”

They continue to eat with Lucy babbling about turtles and how awesome they are and insisting that one could live in the pool. Michael frantically tries to quash the idea by encouraging her to finish her food, and asking Ryan where Charlotte is.

“She’s with her grandma for the evening,” Ryan explains. He looks right at Michael to tell him the next bit, “I thought I’d save you the embarrassment of losing our bet.” 

After the madness that was his weekend, Michael had pretty much forgotten that Ryan had laid down a challenge on Friday afternoon. He’d been fully intending to call Ryan the minute Lucy was in bed to discuss his decision, but he was glad that Ryan seemed to be saving him the trouble.

Lucy finishes her food – it’s more than she’s eaten in two days and Michael is a little worried about that – and Michael suggests going to find the ponies which need bathing when the phone rings.

“Go on, I’ll get started,” Ryan offers, helping Lucy down from her chair and allowing himself to be dragged upstairs. 

Michael answers the phone, but before he can say a word, his mom is yelling at him. “Michael Fred!” she blusters. Michael winces, wondering what he’s done now and, exhausted as he suddenly realises he is, really not in the mood for a fight. “Why am I receiving details of potential new nannies?”

Michael swears under his breath and contemplates hanging up to phone the nanny agency and shout at them. “Sorry, mom,” he says instead. “You must still be down as a contact for me.”

“What happened this time?” she demands.

“I sacked her,” Michael explains. He can tell Debbie’s shocked. “She said something totally inappropriate, so she’s gone.”

“You’re looking after Lucy by yourself?” Debbie asks.

“Yeah,” Michael replies calmly. “We’ve been by ourselves for a little over a week.”

“And when were you planning to tell me?”

“When I convince Ryan to come back,” Michael says quietly. “Which, if everything goes according to plan, will be later tonight. So would you mind leaving me to it?”

“Is he there now?”

“He’s upstairs getting Lucy ready for her bath. I made him an offer on Friday, left him to consider it for the weekend and he’s come round to talk about it. Is that okay?”

“Did you find out why he refused before?”

Michael goes into his office and closes the door, knowing that his mom won’t be satisfied with a half-assed explanation. “It’s...difficult, mom. Please don’t say anything if you see him again, okay?”

“I won’t promise until I know what it is, Michael,” Debbie replies. “But go ahead, I want to know.”

Michael sighs and sits down at his desk. “He moved back to Florida for a while and had an idea of what he wanted to do away from nannying. But it turned out that his mom’s business was in a bit of trouble, so he was trying to help her out and then she got sick. So his current deal is part-time, which means that he can go back to Florida at weekends to be with his family.”

Debbie’s quiet for a minute, taking the news in. “Honey, I know you and Lucy like Ryan,” she eventually says, “but is that kind of arrangement really going to work for you? Are you sure you’re ready?”

Michael bristles. “She’s my daughter. You saw her on Friday, did she look unhappy, having been alone with me for a week?”

“Well...”

“Exactly. I know she got sick, but I’m pretty sure that was a bug and I’ve coped. We’re both still here, she’s better. And I’m enjoying it, mom. Like...it’s starting to make sense, the parent thing. She’s my kid and I love her.” Michael pauses, realising that it’s probably the first time he’s said that aloud to anyone but Lucy herself. He takes a steadying breath.

“I love her. I want to do the best for her. I still need some help, because I still want to do other stuff. Good stuff, not just going out and partying and being retired. And you were right, Ryan was always the best fit.”

“I didn’t really mean it like that, though it’s good to hear,” Debbie responds. “I meant the weekends off part. Isn’t Peter nagging you about travelling again?”

Michael sighs, rubbing the side of his face. “Yeah, he is. And that’s something Ryan and I need to figure out, we haven’t talked about it yet. But I know this is the best thing. I just know.”

“Okay,” Debbie still doesn’t sound convinced. “It sounds like you’ve thought about it. I’ll leave you to it. I hope you get what you want, Michael. Give my love to Lucy.”

“I will. I’ll speak to you soon, mom,” he says, hanging up. Michael leans back in the chair briefly, considering his mother’s words. He checks his watch and, realising the time, bolts out of the room and bounds upstairs, hoping that Lucy hasn’t conned Ryan into a long game of ponies, because there’s then a very real risk of her bedtime being pretty late.

He needn’t have worried: Michael finds Lucy and Ryan in the bathroom. Ryan is finishing up drying Lucy’s hair and asking her which book she’d like Michael to read.

“The dog one,” Lucy answers. She looks up and spots Michael in the doorway. “Please Daddy?”

Michael nods. “Sure, can you go and get it ready? I’ll be there in a minute.”

Lucy disappears and Michael thanks Ryan for looking after her. Ryan shrugs, “It was no problem. She’s pretty tired, it was easy.”

“Are you okay to wait while I get her settled, then we can talk?” Michael asks.

“Well, that is why I came over,” Ryan tells him. “I might...” he gets cut off by Lucy’s return.

“Will you both read?” she asks. Michael turns to assess Ryan’s reaction and spots the moment that he caves, nodding at Lucy’s irresistible charm.

The three of them squeeze uncomfortably into Lucy’s bed, several ponies poking into limbs. Lucy’s out before they even finish the book, allowing Michael and Ryan to carefully extricate themselves and tiptoe out of the room.

Ryan reaches the bottom of the stairs first and dithers in the foyer, clearly unsure as to whether or not to go ahead into Michael’s office. Michael shakes his head.

“Lucy’s in bed, it’s adult time,” he insists. “Let’s do this on the couch with a beer and maybe even some sports. I don’t want this to be about desks and appraisals and shit right now.”

Ryan nods, pulling the envelope Michael had given him out of his bag. “Couch it is,” he agrees. “But I’ll have to pass on the beer: Charlotte and I have a big day tomorrow.”

Michael sits down on the couch, forgoing his own beer, partly out of guilt that Ryan’s not drinking, partly because he remembers how full-on the weekend was and that alcohol might be a bad idea after all.

“So how was your weekend?” he asks Ryan. “Sorry I didn’t ask sooner, Lucy kinda took over.”

Ryan waves away Michael’s concern. “Don’t worry about it. She doesn’t know what’s going on, I’d rather it stayed that way, actually. It’s nice to have someone who takes me away from all of that.” He pauses. “It was okay. My mom’s going steadily at the moment and I’ve managed to sort out some better staff for her place. So I think things are improving a little.”

“That’s great,” Michael says, genuinely pleased. “Did you get a chance to relax at all?”

Ryan hesitates. “I spent a lot of time with my mom. She wanted to hear my news...so I told her about your offer, we talked it through. It helped.”

Michael’s tempted to stay quiet, but he doesn’t want Ryan to feel pressured into telling him any big secrets, so he asks another question. “Do you have any questions about my offer?”

Ryan nods, flipping through some of the pages and finding some notes. “I, uh, couldn’t find anything about travel. Which, given our previous arrangement, surprised me.” He looks up at Michael, “Have you given all of that up or...”

“I haven’t done any overnight trips for a while,” Michael admits. “The last time I did, Lucy stayed with my mom, which didn’t feel fair to either of them but...” He sighs, “If it had been you, Ryan, I’d have left Lucy here with you. I was only away two nights last time, so I didn’t want to disrupt Lucy and take her with me, but I also didn’t want to leave her with the nanny. My agent’s on my back, the trips need to be more regular. He wants me to find a solution that works for everyone, y’know? He’s a good guy really, he wants me to be happy.”

Ryan nods, but doesn’t offer an opinion on the potential travelling involved with accepting the job. “And you’ve said that you want me to live in...”

“Yeah,” Michael nods. “I figured it’d be easier, if I pick up on work again and my hours aren’t necessarily daytime. Like, I mean what it says about you being part-time. I just think I need the actual hours to vary from week to week. Plus if I do more work stuff in the evenings, it gives me more time to go and do stuff with Lucy during the day. And I figured if you’re going to be away every weekend, you might not want the hassle of having a place of your own to worry about.”

Ryan nods again. “I...thanks for clarifying. I just...you shouldn’t have to make a ton of allowances for my situation. You’re hiring me, you know? I’m the one who should be doing what you want.”

“To be completely honest, Ryan, I’m doing this because I think you’re worth it. I’ve learned a lot since my mom hired you, but one of the main things I’ve taken away is that good nannies are actually rare. And because of that, I figured that it sometimes pays to help someone out. I have faith that your family will get back on track. Sometimes in the future, I might need you more, and have to ask you to do more stuff. Hopefully, there will be times when I’ll need you less too, so you can have more time to see your family or...do whatever you want. I’m doing this for selfish reasons too, it’s not total altruism.”

Ryan looks down at the contract for a minute and Michael wonders if he’s fucked it up right at the last moment. Until, suddenly, Ryan grabs a pen out of his bag, flips to the last page and scrawls his signature.

Michael blinks at the decisive action. “You don’t want me to add a clause about travel?”

Ryan shakes his head. “I trust you. And I’ve given notice already to Charlotte’s family. So if it’s okay with you, I’ll move back in on Sunday.”

Michael leans forward, picks up Ryan’s pen and signs the contract. He turns to Ryan and smiles. “I’ll look forward to it.”


	11. Chapter 11

With Ryan’s new contract signed, Michael feels that his life may rediscover a good balance. Much as he’s enjoyed the abundance of time with Lucy, it’ll be good to get some time to himself again, and get his agent off his back about having to duck out of meetings due to a vomiting toddler. And with a good role model to emulate, Michael knows the chances of him getting the whole parenting thing wrong get a lot better.

Lucy returns to her normal self – Michael suspects this is largely due to her sleeping schedule being back on track – and her cycle of activities resumes. Thursday, of course, brings swimming. Michael is relieved that the other participants have gotten used to his presence: most of them don’t stare now, and Michael manages to ignore the ones who do.

He’s busy combing Lucy’s hair out after the session when someone appears behind him and clears their throat. Michael turns around to find Charlotte and Ryan standing behind him. The other man looks worried and Michael feels his stomach drop. He finishes combing Lucy’s hair and forces himself to stay calm.

“Hey,” he eventually says. “Everything alright?”

“I need to ask you something,” Ryan admits. Michael turns to give Ryan his full attention, letting Charlotte and Lucy chatter next to them.

“Sure,” Michael says thickly, though really he’s not.

“I, um, was wondering if it’d be ok...” Ryan tails off and clears his throat again before continuing. “Could I, maybe, drop my stuff round tomorrow? Before I fly to Florida. It just... it’d really help me out. Saves me doing it Sunday night, disturbing Charlotte’s...”

“It’s fine,” Michael cuts in quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. “I was stupid not to think of it before, it makes a lot more sense. Your room’s ready, so come round whenever.”

Ryan nods, managing a relieved smile in return. “Thanks.” He holds his hand out for Charlotte to take. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

*

Ryan arrives during Lucy’s afternoon nap the following day. Michael checks the time with a frown. “Are you not gonna miss your flight?”

“I hope not,” Ryan replies, a hint of anxiety in his voice. “But I couldn’t get away from Charlotte’s any earlier.”

Ryan has a different room this time – Michael doesn’t know if Ryan knows that his liaison with Ryan’s successor had occurred in what had been Ryan’s bed, but he’d decided _he_ couldn’t live with that knowledge and switched things around – and Michael watches him unpack a few things before he starts to feel a little awkward.

“Do you need a ride to the airport?” he asks.

Ryan pauses in the middle of hanging up some shirts and shakes his head. “Thanks for the offer, but I’ve booked a cab.”

Michael nods, not wanting to push it. Having convinced Ryan to return, he knows he has to tread pretty carefully and be respectful if he wants him to stick around. As if on cue, a horn sounds outside the house, signalling the arrival of Ryan’s cab.

“Shoot,” he mutters. “Sorry, I figured Lucy would be napping so I did ask them not to beep.”

“It’s fine,” Michael says instantly. “We’re going to my mom’s for dinner anyway, so I’ll have to get her up soon.”

Ryan grabs his bag and a jacket, giving Michael a quick smile. “I’d better go, I’ll see you on Sunday night.”

Michael returns the smile. “Have a good weekend.”

“Thanks,” he replies, pausing in the doorway. “And thanks, Michael. For persisting.”

Ryan disappears, leaving Michael a little stunned and with something to think about. 

*

Michael and Lucy have a hectic weekend. It never fails to amaze Michael that Lucy’s social calendar is fuller than his these days – she has two birthday parties to attend, which is a real test of both of their stamina given the previous weekend involved mainly vomiting (Lucy) and sobbing (both of them).

Consequently, Michael actually manages to catch up on sleep, as Lucy’s wiped out at the end of both days. Asleep on the couch in front of _SportsCenter_ is where Ryan finds him when he returns from Florida on Sunday night.

Michael’s woken by the living room light being turned on. He covers his eyes, rubbing them with a groan.

“Damn, sorry,” Ryan says hurriedly, reaching over and turning on a lamp before switching the main lights off again. “I saw all the lights were off and assumed you were in bed.”

“It’s ok,” Michael mumbles with a wave of his hand, pulling himself into a more upright position on the couch.

“Well I’m impressed it took over two weeks for you to get to the falling asleep fully clothed on the couch stage,” Ryan says earnestly. “I strongly advise getting up and going to bed. Although, I’m on in the morning so you don’t really have to worry about it.”

“Nah, you’re right, I should go to bed,” Michael replies, standing up and stretching his arms and back out. He can’t be certain due to the low light, but Michael thinks he catches Ryan watching his movements with interest when he returns to a normal position. “I’ve got a few things on tomorrow, meetings and stuff.”

Ryan clears his throat and nods. “Right, well, you don’t have to worry about getting Lucy up or anything. I’m back and I’m with her all day, so...”

“Actually, hold on a sec,” Michael fumbles in his pocket for his phone, getting it out and tapping away for a minute. “I, uh, have a calendar for Lucy’s stuff, so I’ll send you the link. It’s got most of my commitments in too. If you could just make sure Lucy does the stuff on here on the days you’re working...”

He looks up and tails off, catching sight of Ryan’s definitely raised eyebrow. “She has a fancy digital calendar?” Ryan asks. 

Michael shrugs. “Well... yeah, it’s the easiest way I’ve found of making sure everything happens at the right time. That okay?”

“You’re the boss, dude,” Ryan reminds him. He digs his phone out as it beeps and checks Michael’s message. “Your wish is my command.”

Michael flips the light off and follows Ryan upstairs, reminding himself repeatedly that he is, indeed, Ryan’s boss.

*

Michael doesn’t mean to take advantage of Ryan straight away, but he also can’t help himself. After almost three weeks alone with Lucy and having dealt with a sickness bug on top of that, he decides he deserves to sleep in. Sleeping in still doesn’t mean quite what it used to pre-retirement and pre-Lucy: Michael’s up and in the shower by seven thirty, kicking himself for allowing his agent to fill his diary up quite so quickly following Ryan’s return.

The phone’s ringing when he gets out of the shower and it’s his agent. Still towelling his hair, Michael answers with a grumble: “Yes, I’m up. And I’m almost ready, I’m not gonna be late. I have a kid, you know? I’m better at that stuff these days.”

“Easy tiger,” comes the reply. “I was actually calling to tell you to stay in bed – the shoot’s been postponed. Photographer’s sick and they don’t want to get a replacement. So you’ve got the day off.”

“Oh,” Michael replies. “Great.”

“Isn’t it?” Michael can tell his agent’s frowning.

“Yeah,” Michael says quietly. “Let me know when they reschedule.”

He hangs up and sits down on the side of the bed, wondering what to do with his day. He starts with pulling on the nearest pair of sweats and a hoodie and wanders downstairs. As he reaches the bottom, he hears Ryan and Lucy talking.

“You’re getting really good, Luce,” Ryan enthuses. “I mean, there are more than four colours in the world, but we can work on that.”

“Turtles are this colour,” Lucy chirps. “Dogs are this one.”

“Subtle,” Ryan laughs. “I bet even your dad figured that out.”

As he walks through the living room towards the kitchen and dining room, Michael can hear the faint scratch of crayons on paper. Sure enough, when he reaches the dining room, Lucy’s kneeling on a chair, bent intently over her paper and colouring frantically. He wonders if it’s possible to get a bigger fridge to house her masterpieces, or whether she’ll start demanding he hire out a space downtown and let her open a gallery to the public. He wouldn’t put it past his daughter, even at the tender age of two.

Michael gently puts his hand on Lucy’s shoulder and bends down to kiss her hair. “Morning honey,” he murmurs. She snaps round to look up at him and gives him a smile, reaching up towards him. Michael wraps his arms around Lucy and gives her a hug, but she quickly wriggles away and returns to her work. “Oh, I see you’re busy,” he grins. “I’ll leave you to it.”

It’s only when he looks up to greet Ryan that Michael notices the nanny has a piece of work progressing too, but that unlike Lucy, his isn’t a nondescript scribble on scrap paper. Ryan’s got a large, professional-looking sketchbook in front of him, and what Michael suspects are decent sketching pencils, including watercolour ones. He wants to tilt his head and lean closer to take a look at Ryan’s work, but the memory of Ryan’s previous reaction to Michael catching him sketching hits him, and Michael forces himself to back away.

“You guys need anything? I’m gonna grab some breakfast,” he asks.

Ryan raises an eyebrow, “Have you forgotten how this works?”

Michael looks at him confused. “I do the caring thing, you do the former-Olympic-swimmer-making-money-and-doing-photoshoots thing?” Ryan prompts.

“Oh that,” Michael nods, disappearing into the kitchen. “My agent called: it’s been postponed. So I’m free today.”

Ryan joins him in the kitchen as Michael pours himself a cup of coffee. “Am I out of a job before I’ve even really started again?”

Michael leans back against the counter and frowns. “Do you think I pulled out of the shoot so that I could hang out with Lucy?”

Ryan blushes. “No. I just... want you to treat me normally. I know things are different now, you need me in a different way to when I first showed up, but... it’s almost as if you don’t trust me to do that slightly different job.”

Michael rubs the back of his neck, dropping his gaze. “I guess it’s a readjustment for all of us,” he admits. “It’s funny how quickly you get used to things being a certain way.”

Ryan bites his lip and takes a step closer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”

“It’s fine,” Michael says. “I have got a bunch of other stuff I need to do in my office, I should stop looking for distractions and get on with it.”

There’s a pause and Ryan seems to consider his next move. “Is it, like, really urgent stuff? Because I kinda had something special planned for today, but now that I think about it... it’d be great if you could join us.”

Michael looks up again, and finds Ryan’s features open and soft, imploring him to accept the invitation. “I... yeah, it can wait,” he shrugs. “I’m always looking for an excuse to put off scrawling my name across my face a thousand times.”

Ryan smiles. “Great. I have to get Lucy dressed, but I wanted to be ready to go in forty five minutes, can you manage that?”

Michael nods. “Sure. Do I need anything special?”

Ryan thinks for a moment. “Just wear comfortable clothes,” he advises. “You’ll see what the surprise is when we get there.”

*

Lucy provides entertainment during the mystery journey by singing along to a variety of music. Michael wishes she’d fallen asleep, so that he and Ryan could talk, but apparently it’s not his lucky day. He forces himself to ignore his emails and other messages, reminding himself that he’s been granted a free pass for the day and that he should make the most of it, enjoy the time with his daughter. Phone stowed in the glove box, Michael watches Lucy in the rearview and, eventually, gives in and sings along with her.

He doesn’t pay attention to where Ryan’s taking them, happy to get swept up in the adventure, so he’s not sure how long they’ve been driving when Ryan eventually pulls onto a bumpy track, slowing down to account for the change in terrain. At the end of the road is a collection of barns and paddocks, causing Michael to guess where they might be heading.

Ryan parks the car and Lucy initially pouts when the music stops, but with a little encouragement she looks out of the window and jiggles excitedly in her seat when she sees the expanse of farm stretching out around her.

Michael gets Lucy out of the car and surveys their surroundings. There are various animals grazing in the fields around them and he crouches next to Lucy so that they can assess what there is to see as he does up her jacket. Lucy identifies cows, pigs and sheep, but Michael has to help her out with goats – she manages the noise though and he shakes his head, knowing he’s been played.

When he’s satisfied that Lucy’s ready to go, Michael stands back up. “I think you’ve missed something, Luce,” Ryan suggests. “Can you see any other animals?”

Lucy turns around, checking each paddock again and shaking her head. Michael catches on and points towards the barn in front of them. “Maybe they’re in there?” He takes her hand and leads the way to the barn.

As they step into the barn and can hear animals shuffling in their stalls, Michael feels Lucy grip his hand tighter, but he knows it’s excitement rather than fear. He allows his daughter to take him to one of the stalls and he picks her up so that she can see inside.

Lucy normally squeals with excitement, but on this occasion Michael chooses to believe that it’s instinct which makes her gasp instead, so as not to frighten the animal. “Daddy, it’s a pony!” she breathes.

He nods, grinning, “Yeah, it is. I think there might be more, shall we see?”

Lucy’s transfixed. “Can I stroke it?”

The pony’s on the other side of the stall, tugging at some hay and seems thoroughly disinterested in their presence. “Um...” Michael’s not sure how to answer that without disappointing Lucy. Fortunately, Ryan comes to the rescue.

The nanny is two stalls down from them, holding his hand out to let a pony smell him. “Lucy,” he calls out. “Look what I’ve found.”

Michael turns Lucy to see Ryan and he can feel her almost fighting his hold instantly. He has a series of flashbacks to his own childhood, which involved a lot of adults yelling at many kids not to run on the pool deck, and he gets the sense that barns have the same rule. “You have to walk, okay?” he murmurs at Lucy. “No running, got it?”

Lucy nods, and Michael’s not convinced she’s taken his words in but he sets her down anyway, choosing to trust her. It pays off, and she walks over to where Ryan is, letting him lift her up. Michael watches as Ryan shows Lucy how to hold her hand – palm up, fingers together – to allow the pony to snuffle at her.

His daughter giggles as the pony’s whiskers tickle her palm, and after a minute, Ryan encourages her to move on to stroking the animal’s neck. They make their way slowly through the barn, greeting each horse or pony, Michael and Ryan taking it in turns to hold Lucy up to say hello.

Michael watches his daughter interact with the animals, her fascination clear. And something in him knows that this is it for her. At two years old she’s found something that excites her and intrigues her, that may give her a lot of joy and will definitely cost him a lot of money. But he knows it’ll be worth it and resolves to help her to do whatever makes her happiest.

Ryan leads Lucy out the other side of the barn and he worries that she’ll pitch at fit at leaving the horses behind, but Ryan directs Lucy towards a large container of animal feed and helps her to scoop some into a bucket. Together, the three of them cross the yard towards a paddock full of animals waiting patiently.

Again, Ryan shows Lucy how to feed them, holding her hands steady as the goats mouth at her palms to pick up the food. She giggles at the sensation, at first trying to squirm away, but when Ryan holds her still and she realises she won’t get hurt, Lucy enjoys having the animals feed from her hands.

When they’re out of food, Michael picks Lucy up so that she can pet the different animals in turn. He forgets his own previous fear of asking her leading questions, and starts up a dialogue with his daughter over what her favourite is and together giving them names – it’s not long before he realises she’s basically named the group of animals after the participants in her swim class, and he’s very grateful that Charlotte isn’t present to discover that she’s being represented by a pig – and they’re figuring out which of the animals are friends.

They slowly progress back towards the barn to take another look at the ponies, and as they approach, a woman appears with one of the ponies. This time, Lucy can’t contain herself. The pony’s saddled and she turns to Michael, pleading.

“Can I ride it, Daddy?” she begs.

Michael glances at Ryan, who smiles and nods. Michael gets the feeling that this will be more of a sitting on the pony situation than actually riding it, but he doesn’t think that’ll matter to Lucy at this point. He takes her over and makes sure she asks politely. The woman obliges, lifting Lucy into the saddle and showing her where to hold on. Michael’s genuinely concerned that his daughter’s face might split in two and that he might never be able to get her to leave.

Lucy cries when, after several laps of the yard, she has to get down and the pony is returned to the barn. Michael finds himself holding her close and promising that they can come back another day. They work their way back through the barn, saying goodbye to all of the horses and ponies before returning to the car.

When Lucy falls asleep as soon as Michael starts the car, he imagines that she’s dreaming of ponies and – if her dreams are anything like his were when he was younger – podiums. He and Ryan are quiet for the first few minutes, and Michael has to concentrate to orientate himself and figure out which direction they came from.

“How’d you find this place?” he asks Ryan after a while.

“One of the kids I used to look after came to a birthday party here,” Ryan tells him. “It was awful, most of them hated it. But I knew Lucy wouldn’t.”

“Well... thanks,” Michael tells him, glancing over to smile at Ryan. “You were absolutely right. She loved it. I think we’ll be out here a lot.”

“I mean, I was worried too,” Ryan admits. “I wasn’t sure how you’d feel if she ends up ditching swimming for show jumping or whatever.”

“She’s not me,” Michael says quietly. “She doesn’t have to do anything I’ve done. Every kid needs to be safe near water, but once she is when she’s a bit older, I don’t care if she never goes near a pool again.”

Michael can feel Ryan staring at him with his mouth hanging open. “I’m serious,” Michael tells him, glancing across again. “She needs to do what makes her happy, not what makes me happy. And she might change her mind next week or next month, she might decide she’s all about baseball or lacrosse or whatever. That’s fine, I’ll encourage her as long as she enjoys herself.”

He falls silent again, and it’s a few more minutes before Ryan responds. “I really admire that,” he says eventually. “That you’re happy to not push her to what you love.”

“I love her,” Michael reminds him. “What I enjoy doing doesn’t matter so much now.”

He laughs to himself. “Fuck I sound like one of those parents who is so gone on their kid. Promise me something?”

Ryan shrugs. “Sure, what is it?”

“Don’t let me spoil her?” Michael asks.

Ryan laughs this time. “I don’t know if I can do that, you seem pretty determined.”

Michael blushes. “I feel I should at least make some sort of effort. Make sure she doesn’t grow up to be a total monster.”

“You don’t need to worry about that,” Ryan assures him. “You’ll be fine, we’ll make sure of it.”

Michael nods, focusing again on the road and trying not to let his mind get carried away with Ryan’s use of the word “we”.


	12. Chapter 12

Michael stares at a row of shirts expecting them to tell him what to do. Ryan’s been working for him for nearly a month and Michael’s run out of ideas. This is mainly because he only had one in the first place: dig Ryan out of trouble by making his life easier, then jump him. It’s only now that he’s realised that the plan isn’t so much flawed as a really fucking terrible idea.

He’s getting ready for a night out with some friends, his first in a long time. He already feels guilty about going out, and he’s not even dressed yet, nevermind got as far as leaving the house. It’s Thursday night and as Ryan’s getting Lucy ready for bed down the hall, Michael’s trying to choose an outfit. And failing.

He keeps stopping to strain and listen to his daughter interacting with Ryan. When she was in the bath, they were discussing what her ponies had been up to and which ones deserved a day off tomorrow. Now that she’s out and being dressed in her pyjamas, they’re talking about the other kids in her swimming class and why Lucy’s not a fan of one of the boys in particular. Michael likes that Lucy dislikes the boys, and finds himself hoping she maintains this opinion at least until she’s through college.

Michael assesses the shirt options again, but his mind is soon drifting to Ryan. He knows that he needs to crack the nanny’s professionalism if he wants them to progress from employer and employee to something else, but instinct tells him that jumping straight into bed isn’t the way forward.

As he’d fought for Ryan’s return, Michael had thought that their relationship had strengthened. He remembers Ryan saying that he trusts Michael, and that he appreciated Michael’s persistence. But since the day at the farm... everything had ground to a halt. And yes, Michael had been taking on more commitments with work again – including one incredibly long day trip to New York and back – but he didn’t feel he was taking advantage of Ryan. He was, after all, paying him to do a job and look after Lucy.

But Ryan was behaving as he had when he’d first worked for Michael: keeping to himself during his free time, either shutting himself away in his room – which, at certain times, Michael understood, because it was clear that Ryan was having to take a lot of calls from his family – or going out in the evenings. Michael was fighting hard to ask Ryan where he was going each time, fully aware that the other man is an adult and doesn’t report to Michael 24/7 like he once did. But his curiosity is threatening to derail everything even further.

So overall, Michael’s stuck. He feels that their relationship has taken perhaps more than one backwards step and he’s not sure how to turn it back around. He also knows that he doesn’t have long to dwell on the whole thing, because he’s due to meet his friends in less than an hour and he’s still shirtless.

He closes his eyes, grabs a shirt and pulls it on, buttoning it quickly and rounding up the other things he needs. Michael leaves his bedroom, wondering whether to duck in on Lucy one last time before leaving the house when Ryan appears from Lucy’s bedroom, carefully pulling the door to behind him.

Michael catches his eye and quirks an eyebrow. Ryan nods in response. They quietly head downstairs together and Michael stops in the foyer to grab his coat.

“I won’t judge if you want to help yourself to a beer or two,” Michael says casually as he’s buttoning his jacket. “I know you’re alone tonight and technically on duty as I’m going out but... it really doesn’t bother me.”

“Thanks,” Ryan replies, hovering a little awkwardly nearby, “but it bothers me.”

Michael pulls a scarf on and his patience cracks. “Why?” he asks, looking up and catching Ryan’s gaze. “What about it bothers you?”

Ryan answers immediately. “Because you’re right, I’m working,” he reminds Michael. “What if there was an emergency and she needed to go to hospital?”

“You wouldn’t drive after one beer?” Michael finds that hard to believe. Though realises this is the voice of someone who got slapped with an underage DUI. “Or call an ambulance?”

He regrets the questions instantly, and the one before them. Weeks of being careful around Ryan seem shattered in an instant by Michael’s careless questioning of the nanny’s professionalism. 

“I’m... you have to ask?” Ryan’s startled, and clearly wounded.

“No, I...”

Ryan holds his hands up and takes a deep breath, letting it out to calm himself down before replying. “No, it’s fine, you pay me, you’re entitled,” he composes himself a little more. “No, Michael, I would not put your daughter in a car and drive her anywhere having had even a sip of alcohol. I’m responsible for her, but she’s not my kid. You know that things happen even when you think you’ve done everything right. So there’s no point doing something you know is wrong. What you do is up to you. I wouldn’t judge you for driving her anywhere after you’ve had a couple. I’m just saying it’s avoidable.”

Michael feels braver again as he’s about to step out of the door. “And I’m just saying that I would like you to feel free to relax in our home.”

He leaves and closes the door behind him, not trusting himself to look directly at Ryan.

*

Michael tries to enjoy himself. And two hours after he’d met up with his friends, he realises that’s the problem. The party lifestyle used to come pretty naturally to him, especially when he was on a break after a long and painful build up to a big meet and he had some serious steam to blow off. He kind of feels like his life is harder now than it was then, just in a different way, and he’d thought that would make him want to go out and enjoy himself more. But he’s also sort of forgotten how to do it.

He spends so much of his time out and about these days keeping an eye on Lucy and making sure she’s okay that it’s difficult to relax and just worry about where the next drink’s coming from instead. The drinks, of course, are flowing, and for the first twenty minutes he’d had a lot to catch up on with his friends. But just like a few years before, when all of his news had been about one thing and theirs was about another, Michael finds that there’s still a gulf between him and his friends.

It used to be that they were the ones getting their lives together – working their way through college, getting jobs, moving in with girlfriends – while he continued to do what he’d always done – dive into a body of water and swim until his limbs wanted to snap off. Now, he’s the boring bastard with no news that doesn’t relate to his daughter. He catches himself telling a story about how she’s got the hang of pulling zips up and down, but still can’t quite line them up right to get the catch and start doing them up herself, when Michael decides to give himself a mental slap. Because, seriously, who cares about that stuff? His mom, maybe. But moms are meant to care about that shit. 

Michael lets his friends do the talking for a while, swirling his beer around his glass. It’s a solid five minutes before he realises that a girl across the bar is trying to catch his eyes. She’s not unattractive and it’s a long time since he’s clued into a woman looking at him in that way, so Michael finds himself blushing and downing his drink to try and cover himself. Wrong move, he quickly realises, as she follows suit.

He dithers for a minute before checking whether anyone else needs a drink and heading to the bar. The girl follows, standing beside him as they wait to be served. Michael spots his out instantly and graciously sends the barman in her direction when the guy asks who’s next. He doesn’t look at the girl again, doesn’t need to, he can feel the stink eye coming off her at not being offered a drink from him. He waits for her to pay for her drinks and leave before ordering his own round.

When he returns to his group with the drinks, Michael struggles to get back into the conversation, brooding over his drink instead. His mind wanders back to his house, picturing Lucy asleep in bed with her ponies, wondering what she’s dreaming about. He thinks about what Ryan might be doing, which soon leads him to replaying their conversation in his head, changing the lines and considering how it might have gone differently if he’d used different words, approached it from a different angle.

Someone jostles him and Michael looks to his left to find that someone has joined their circle suddenly. A female someone who’s looking right at him. Michael fights the temptation to roll his eyes and even manages to raise a weak smile at her. She gives him a megawatt response, touches his arm in greeting and starts asking him inane questions that he really has no time for.

Michael knows that his next move could go either way, but having reassessed the girl’s outfit – tits so far out that he can pretty much see nipple – he thinks it’ll go the way he wants. He makes a reasonable show of checking his watch and the girl looks at him quizzically.

“Sorry,” he shrugs with just the right amount of apology in his tone, “can’t stay out late tonight, I’ve gotta get home in time to relieve the sitter.”

He counts down the seconds in his head as the girl takes this in. She blinks, shakes her head, smiles tightly and backs away. Michael smiles as she leaves and receives a shove from the guy to his right who clearly thinks he’s nuts for getting rid of her.

When Michael feels a hand rub his ass half an hour later as he returns to his friends from a trip to the bathroom, he decides it’s time to call it a night. He feels guilty for not saying goodbye to his friends, but knows it’s easier to just slip away, that despite their encouragement of him joining them in the first place, they won’t miss him if he leaves.

*

Michael lets himself into the house without bothering to be overly quiet – he’s not drunk and he’s already spotted the lights on in the living room, so he knows he isn’t disturbing Ryan. He half hopes that Lucy’s woken up for some reason and is with Ryan on the couch so that he can say hi and take her back to bed, feeling hear body go slack against him as he soothes her back to sleep.

For a fraction of a second, he’s disappointed when he realises that Ryan is alone on the couch, but it doesn’t take Michael long to spot the opportunity he’s been given. He hangs his coat up and toes his shoes off, padding through to join Ryan in the living room.

The TV is on and Ryan has one headphone in his ear, sitting on the edge of the couch as he leans over the coffee table, poring over his sketches and some little pieces of fabric. Michael stays quiet, watching closely. He hopes that the small squares of cloth mean what he thinks they do and, in the relative privacy that Ryan’s back being turned offers, allows himself the opportunity to admire Ryan.

He’s not wearing anything special – just sweats and a hoodie – but it’s nice to see Ryan look casual and relaxed, rather than child-friendly yet businesslike as he usually does. Ryan’s sat with one leg tucked up against his body, foot on the couch cushion and arm wrapped around it, holding the sketchbook and absently stroking the piece of fabric he’s holding in contemplation, as his right hand sketches seemingly of its own accord.

Michael hasn’t realised he’s moved closer until Ryan freezes and turns to see him, a little startled.

“Sorry,” Michael murmurs quietly. “I didn’t mean to startle you, just didn’t want to wake Lucy up.”

Ryan nods and pulls his earbud out. “It’s okay,” he shrugs, trying to subtly push his sketches together and hide them away. He checks his watch and frowns. “You’re home early.”

Michael steps closer to the couch with a half shrug. “Wasn’t feeling it. You know how it is sometimes.”

Ryan smiles a little. “Nobody you liked the look of?” he jokes carefully.

“Nobody Lucy would like the look of,” Michael replies, without really thinking. Ryan’s expression softens, but Michael can’t quite read it. His gaze falls to the coffee table again, taking advantage of Ryan being caught off-guard by his answer.

Michael moves in and sits down on the couch, not right next to Ryan, but close enough to lean over and rub his own fingers across the fabric still beneath Ryan’s hand.

“This is nice,” he comments. “Be good as a jacket.” He glances at Ryan, waiting for his reaction.

Ryan’s eyes are initially on Michael’s fingers, but Michael watches the other man’s gaze travel appraisingly up his arm to his shoulder, before drifting across to his face. “You think?” he eventually asks.

Michael nods. “Yeah,” he confirms. “I’d like to wear something like that.”

“Well,” Ryan swallows, eventually sweeping the pieces of fabric and his sketchbook up into the crook of his arm as he grabs his pencils in his free hand, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Michael forces himself to train his eyes on the TV, desperate to push Ryan further but wary of the fact that he’d insulted Ryan without trying earlier in the evening and that he seemed to have been granted a reprieve, that perhaps Ryan had cracked open the door and left it ajar for him to nudge in at a later date. He doesn’t reach for the remote to turn up the volume, instead straining his ears and hoping that the pause in Ryan’s movement indicates a glance over his shoulder at Michael before he ascends the stairs.


	13. Chapter 13

Over the weekend, without Ryan to stop him, Michael cracks: he buys Lucy her first horse. What he knows is even crazier is the fact that he buys himself one too. He stands in the toy store and tries to justify it without using the excuse that he’s jealous of Lucy’s toys, but fails. Michael grabs two hobby horses and buys them anyway.

He speeds home and, in a flash of inspiration, installs the hobby horses in Lucy’s play house in the back yard and heads back out to pick her up from her morning play date at Charlotte’s. Michael tries not to wince as Lucy spends the entire ride home chattering about Charlotte’s new pet rabbit. He’s starting to feel guilty about his surprise for her, and preparing himself for Lucy being completely underwhelmed that her new toy neither lives nor breathes.

When they get home, Michael leads Lucy through to the kitchen to start fixing lunch. Rather than settling her down at the table, he asks her to go outside and bring something indoors for him. She looks briefly confused, but Michael persists and Lucy heads out to her play house.

Michael holds his breath as he cranes his neck to watch his daughter from his position at the kitchen counter. When he hears a squeal of delight and sees her break into a grin, Michael lets out the breath he was holding, but manages not to race out to join her. Instead, he nonchalantly calls out, “Something wrong, Luce?”

“Come see, Daddy!” is the response.

Michael obliges, joining his daughter outside and looking surprised to see two hobby horses in the play house. Lucy’s stroking the palomino horse’s face and grinning wildly.

“Daddy, this is Star,” she announces. “What’s yours called?” Lucy’s allocated him the black hobby horse and he’s briefly stumped before coming up with something familiar to him.

“Raven,” he tells her. Lucy nods and sets about introducing Star and Raven to each other.

“They need to go for a ride, Daddy,” she decides. Michael tries to hide his smile.

“Oh I thought they might need some lunch, they haven’t been fed,” he replies. “So we can eat while they eat, then maybe ride them later?”

Lucy considers this for a moment, then seems to remember that she’s hungry and nods her agreement. The hobby horses get allocated their food, then Lucy leads him back to the house, explaining what kind of sandwich she wants and then telling Michael where they’ll go on their ride.

*

Most of Saturday afternoon is spent in the back yard exercising the hobby horses. Michael has periodic flashbacks to being shouted at by his coach, and worries about how fierce his daughter is likely to be in the future. He’s relieved when she doesn’t fuss about the horses sleeping in their “barn” overnight, and watches her kiss them goodnight with a smile on his face.

On Sunday, the visit his mom for lunch, but apparently Raven is too tired to attend, so Star is brought along as the Phelps Barn representative to be paraded in front of their extended family.

When they return during the afternoon, the weather is still unseasonably nice and, having checked Raven over, Lucy decides that both horses would benefit from a “trail ride” and Michael is duly ordered to saddle up and schlep around two blocks to give his horse some exercise, under Lucy’s supervision.

They’re on the home straight when his phone rings. Michael pulls his phone out and smiles when he checks the caller ID – it’s Ryan.

“You might not forgive me for this,” Michael tells him, grinning.

“Great, well that makes two of us,” Ryan replies, sounding panicky.

“Don’t worry, man, it’s not that bad. You’re just pretty likely to find yourself marching around the neighbourhood with a small girl and two hobby horses, I hope that won’t be a problem,” Michael reassures him.

“It’ll be a problem if you’re wanting me to do it before bedtime tonight,” Ryan says. 

Michael frowns. “Of course I’m not, you’re not due back at work until tomorrow morning. Is something wrong, Ryan?”

“Yes, and I am so fu-,” Ryan stops himself just in time and takes a breath. “Michael, I’m really sorry. I don’t even know what happened, this is so unlike me. I was at the hospital and I didn’t hear my alarm go off because there was some stuff kicking off with my mom and the rest of the family and I got here as fast as I could but I’ve missed my flight. They’re saying they can get me on a flight tonight via Tampa to Wash-,”

“Where are you?” Michael cuts in to ask.

“Jacksonville airport,” Ryan sighs, sounding stressed still. “I’m really sorry. Like I said, this never happens to me, I’m never late for anything.”

“I know,” Michael says. “We have two options here.”

“Okay,” Ryan agrees. “What are they?”

“You take the flight tonight and I’ll have a car pick you up in Washington,” Michael offers. “But I’d rather you go back to the hospital, sort whatever needs to be done with your family, go and get some rest tonight and get a flight back in the morning.”

There’s a pause, and Michael’s pretty sure Ryan’s jaw audibly drops.

“Ryan?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Go back to the hospital.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hold on a sec,” he pulls the phone away from his ear, opens his calendar and scans it quickly. “Positive. My morning’s clear, I have some stuff on after lunch, but it’s nothing I can’t push if you’re not back yet.”

“I’ll be on the first flight,” Ryan says quickly. “I promise I won’t miss it, I’ll work late tomorrow to make up for it.”

“It’s fine,” Michael assures him. “I know your situation, and I’d rather you sorted it out today and were late tomorrow than you spend the whole week stressing about something you haven’t resolved.”

“Thank you,” Ryan breathes, sounding obviously relieved.

“No problem,” Michael says earnestly. “I’m glad you called, rather than going through with that stupid plan of flying to DC via Tampa.”

Ryan doesn’t reply immediately and Michael’s curiosity burns with the conviction that Ryan’s blushing.

“Like you said, even Mary Poppins is only practically perfect,” Michael reminds him.

“Man, I wish I were practically perfect,” he laughs. “Speaking of which, you going for Dad of the Year with that buying your daughter a horse tactic?”

It’s Michael’s turn to blush. “Maybe. It was very nearly an epic fail – she went to Charlotte’s yesterday and her parents have bought her a rabbit.”

Ryan laughs again. “Oh dude. Welcome to competitive parenting, this is your life now.”

Michael groans. “Great. God only knows where this’ll end up in the future.”

“Well, it’s a good job you’ve got long arms, because having a daughter means you’re constantly digging your wallet out,” Ryan jokes.

“I’m starting to realise that.”

There’s another pause and Ryan seems to be talking to someone else. “Thanks again, boss. I’m all booked for the flight tomorrow morning, I’ll be with you at lunchtime.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Michael tells him. “I hope you get everything sorted out tonight, let me know if you need anything else.”

“I won’t, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ryan repeats.

Michael hangs up and catches up to Lucy, who’s waiting at the end of the block. Together, they settle the hobby horses in for the night before eating dinner and reading a pony story at bedtime.

Once he’s alone on the couch, Michael replays his conversation with Ryan in his head, trying to figure out whether this counts as a barrier coming down. On the one hand, it sounded like Ryan had genuinely had an unavoidable family issue, which hadn’t been his fault and had derailed him. On the other, Ryan’s normally the first person to put his job and his commitments above anything else: the nanny was right, he’s never been tardy or anything near unprofessional – with the exception being the kissing incident, but that had been all Michael.

Tossing the idea round his head and weighing up the balance of how quickly he’d talked Ryan down and smoothed things over, Michael decides to call it a win. It feels like it’s been a long time since he’s had one of those.

*

True to his word, Ryan enters the house at midday on Monday. Michael leaves Lucy in front of the TV and follows Ryan upstairs.

Ryan’s bedroom door is open, so Michael approaches without thinking or calling out. He stops dead in the doorway, transfixed upon finding Ryan yanking a t-shirt off over his head, every muscle in his arms, back and torso flexing and twisting in the process. Ryan has his back to the door and reaches to the side to grab a vest, which he pulls on in place of the t-shirt, giving Michael another chance to assess the rippling movement of his arms.

The nanny turns and picks up a button down shirt, sliding his arms into it before he looks up and catches Michael staring. Despite being caught in the act, it takes Michael a good few seconds to pick his jaw up off the floor and regain the power of speech. When he thinks about it a little later on, the whole thing seems almost completely irrational, because in the context of swim classes with the kids, Michael has seen Ryan in far less. But Michael also later realises that’s the point: they’re often semi-naked around kids at the pool, but never together, just stood in Michael’s house in a bedroom.

Ryan quickly buttons his shirt, a blush rising in his cheeks. Michael steps back, remembering that his behaviour is wholly inappropriate and has probably done nothing to make Ryan feel comfortable and everything to remind him of the night that Michael made a drunken pass at him in a hotel in China.

Michael wants to reassure Ryan that he’s okay with him being late, check that everything’s ok and update him on Lucy’s plans, but he still can’t seem to find his tongue. Though he can think of several things other than speaking that he would like to do with it.

Ryan clears his throat, smoothes his shirt down and speaks for Michael. “Thanks again. For understanding.”

“No problem,” Michael croaks out. “She’s watching TV, I haven’t made lunch yet.”

“I’ll get straight on it,” Ryan nods. “Do you want to eat with us? I thought you re-arranged a meeting to this afternoon.”

“Yeah, that’d be good,” Michael agrees.

“Okay,” Ryan says, stepping out of the bedroom and pulling the door closed behind him. “Back to work.”

Michael watches Ryan disappear down the stairs. He listens out for the nanny greeting Lucy and, when he knows that he’s safe, he allows himself a groan of frustration and a moment of standing with his forehead against the wall. Michael takes four deep breaths to compose himself before heading downstairs to join his daughter and his employee.


	14. Chapter 14

On Thursday night, Michael’s testing his multi-tasking skills. He’s trying to accomplish three things at once: drinking a beer, watching a movie, and scrawling his name across his face a thousand times. The first task is going well; the others, not so much.

He takes a swig of beer, cracks his neck and leans over to continue scribbling away with his Sharpie. Michael gets through another six pictures before he hears a shuffling behind him. He turns to see Ryan dithering in the doorway. Michael smiles.

“Hey,” he says. “Come and join me? It’d be a more legitimate excuse to stop what I’m doing than the TV and the beer are.”

Ryan shrugs and mumbles, “I shouldn’t, you’ve been putting that off for at least a week.”

“It’s more like a month,” Michael winces. He looks more carefully at Ryan’s face, noticing that he looks a little stressed, something which is rare for Ryan. Michael pauses the movie and goes into the kitchen.

He returns with a fresh beer for himself and one for Ryan. Michael presses the bottle into Ryan’s hand. “Sit,” he insists. “Drink. I’m not judging. In fact, I’m your boss and that’s an order.” He wishes he’d thought of that before.

“I...,” Ryan protests.

Michael twists the cap off Ryan’s beer. “Don’t argue. Because then I’ll add talking to the orders, and I don’t want to have to do that. I’ll put the movie back on, and if when you’re done with the beer, there’s something you want to tell me, you can. Deal?”

Ryan just nods and sits in an armchair across the coffee table from Michael’s spot. Michael resumes his position on the couch, takes another drag on his beer and re-starts the movie.

He spends over an hour signing, drinking and listening to the movie, concentrating hard on what he’s doing and studiously ignoring Ryan. When the movie ends, Michael lets the credits roll as he finishes the last few pictures.

Ryan still hasn’t spoken or moved, other than to bring his bottle to his lips. Michael slowly tidies his things up, but soon runs out of things to do. He sits up straight on the edge of the couch, stretching out his neck and shoulders as he finishes his beer.

“They want to discharge her,” Ryan says quietly.

Michael instantly stops what he’s doing and turns to look at Ryan. “That’s fantastic,” he smiles. He assesses Ryan’s expression and his face drops a little. “Isn’t it?”

Ryan sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah, it is. They’re doing it because she’s actually improving, rather than, like, sending her home to die.”

The nanny tugs at the label on his beer bottle, lost in thought. Michael waits, much as it pains him.

“I was talking to my brothers and sisters earlier. And it just descended into this fight and pointing fingers and accusations... it made me tired. They were just... bickering. Rather than sitting down and thinking about it and figuring out what we could all pull together and do to make sure Mom gets what she needs,” Ryan pauses, finally looking up at Michael.

“What do you need?” Michael asks. “How can I help?”

“I wish I knew,” Ryan says, shaking his head. “This is the first time I’ve really felt like I don’t know what to do for the best. Part of me wants to say that I’m out, I’ve done my bit, they need to step up. But then... she’s my Mom. I can’t do that to her. She didn’t do that to us, even when things got hard, you know?”

Michael nods. Because he does know. “When do they discharge her?” he asks.

“Tomorrow morning. They’ll have her home by lunchtime, I get to go straight to the house rather than the hospital. For the first time in a long time.”

Michael thinks for a minute. “You know what? Enjoy that. I think you should just go and see what happens. You always do the right thing, Ryan. You’ll know when you get there what that is.”

He waits to let Ryan take the idea in. The other man nods slowly. “Yeah. Okay.” He stands up and gathers the empty bottles. “Thanks for this.”

“No problem,” Michael replies. “Just... take care this weekend, yeah?”

“Is that an order too?”

“Definitely,” Michael says firmly. Ryan’s almost at the door when Michael clears his throat. “Ryan?”

“Yeah?” he pauses, turning to look at Michael.

“You do know that you don’t have to sit in your room every night? I mean, I get that you have stuff you need to do or would rather be doing but... you can hang out wherever you like.”

Ryan nods. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Michael fights back a blush and shrugs. “It’s just... nice. To have adult company. You know?”

Ryan nods again. “I do. Goodnight, Michael,” he says, leaving the room.

Michael heads to his own bedroom, trying to banish thoughts of giving Ryan orders.

*

Michael gets up before Ryan the next morning, starts preparing breakfast and makes a phone call. Half an hour later, Ryan appears in the kitchen with Lucy. He does a double take when he sees Michael putting together some fruit for his daughter, but recovers quickly and settles her at the table.

Michael gives Lucy her bowl and a drink, kissing her forehead in greeting. She’s more interested in the food and starts eating contentedly. Michael was hoping that would be her reaction and he catches Ryan’s eye, jerking his head towards the living room to indicate that Ryan should follow him.

They step into the next room and Michael hands Ryan a piece of paper. “Grab your bag, there’s a car waiting,” he tells him.

Ryan scans the paper in confusion. “Did the airline call? I haven’t had any messages. And why would...” he trails off and looks up at Michael, realisation hitting him. “You changed my flight.”

Michael nods. “Go. Enjoy your weekend.”

Ryan swallows. “You’re getting very...” he clears his throat. “I mean, are you sure?”

“Positive,” Michael insists, turning Ryan around and guiding him towards the stairs. “Your family need you more than I do today. Plus...”

At the foot of the stairs, Ryan stops and turns to look at Michael quizzically. “Plus what?”

Michael glances down and takes a deep breath. “We need to talk next week about doing some travelling.”

Ryan nods. “Understood.” He turns and disappears up the stairs. Michael rakes a hand through his hair, hoping he’s done the right thing. He shakes off his uncertainties, reminding himself that no matter what his feelings are for Ryan, he’s still his employee.

Lucy calls out for Ryan, making Michael wince. He goes back to the kitchen and greets his daughter properly. “It’s you and me today, Luce. What do you wanna do?” he asks.

Lucy frowns. “I’m going to the park with Ryan.”

“He has to go to Florida, honey,” Michael explains, trying to suppress the stab Lucy had inadvertently made. “I can take you to the park though.”

“Ryan pushes me high on the swings,” Lucy tells him, abandoning her breakfast and looking like she might start a real fight.

Ryan reappears and swoops in to say goodbye to Lucy. “You think those medal-winning arms can’t push you higher?” he asks. “You’ll have fun with your dad, Lucy. I’ll see you on Monday.” He squeezes her briefly and stands back up.

The nanny shifts his backpack on his shoulder and turns his gaze to Michael. “Thanks, boss,” he says earnestly.

“No problem,” Michael says with a wave of his hand. “Go, or you’ll miss your flight.”

“Absolutely,” Ryan agrees, starting to head out of the door. “I’m fine with making mistakes, but I don’t make the same one twice.”

Michael watches him go, wondering whether or not Ryan knows that he’s pushing all of the right buttons.

*

Michael’s phone buzzes as he’s brushing his teeth on Friday night. He finishes what he’s doing before picking the phone up and opening the message as he wanders through to his bedroom. It’s a text from Ryan with a picture attached: _Mom thrilled I was here already. Even had time to do this._

Michael smiles as he looks at the picture of an elaborate, hand drawn “Welcome home” banner, which Ryan and his mom are sat in front of.

He settles down into bed and sends a message back: _Nice work. Both look happy. Have a great weekend._

Michael sets his phone on the nightstand and turns out the light. His phone buzzes again and he reaches out to pick up the message: _You too. Thanks again, you’re the best boss._

*

On Monday morning, Michael’s out before Ryan and Lucy are up. For the first time in a long time, he spends all day at the pool, undertaking the re-scheduled shoot, running several clinics and participating in more interviews than he’d like. Despite this, he’s happy. Although he’s come to find life as a father fulfilling in a way he didn’t expect, Michael misses parts of his former life. He feels privileged to be able to make a difference to countless kids and families, and enjoys being able to see the tangible results of the work that he put in for so many years. He hopes that, when she’s old enough to understand it all, Lucy will be proud to refer to him as her dad. He hadn’t known how much that means to him until recently, but he sees his daughter as a reason to continue being the best he can be.

The early start pays off, because Michael’s day isn’t wholly Lucy-free. He arrives home and finds Lucy with Ryan in the kitchen.

“No, Daddy!” she shrieks as he enters the room. “You can’t see!”

“Close your eyes,” Ryan encourages. “We wanted to surprise you.”

Michael instantly does as he’s told, reassured by Ryan’s explanation. “Should I just go away again?” he asks, feeling slightly awkward.

Ryan hesitates before answering. “Can you give us five minutes?”

Michael nods, backing out of the room. “I could go and start her bath?” he suggests.

“Great idea,” Ryan agrees. “Come back down in five, we’ll be ready.”

Michael takes his stuff upstairs and runs Lucy’s bath – careful, as ever, to ensure that the required bubble quota is met – checking his watch occasionally. When five minutes have passed, he returns to the kitchen, closing his eyes before entering this time.

“Can I look?” he asks.

“Hold your hands out,” Ryan instructs.

Michael does as he’s told and waits. He hears shuffling and feels something cool and fairly heavy in his hands. Ryan whispers something to Lucy and she follows it with a cry of, “Open them!”

He opens his eyes and smiles when he sees his daughter grinning back at him. He glances up at Ryan, who’s also smiling but is watching intently too. The nanny blushes a little but doesn’t look away, causing Michael to wish that he could do something about the frisson that he’s sure passes between them.

“Do you like them?” Lucy asks excitedly, and Michael’s reminded that he’s holding something he’s yet to identify. He looks down and smiles when he sees a plate of cookies in his hands.

“Are they chocolate chip?” he asks. Lucy nods in response. “They’re my favourite. And you iced them too. Thanks guys. You’ve been busy.”

He looks at his daughter again and notices something else. “What are you wearing, Luce?”

“My apron,” she tells him, turning around. “Ryan made it.”

Michael stares at his daughter, beckoning her closer to inspect the garment further. There’s an appliquéd horse head motif taking up Lucy’s entire chest which, Michael notes, has been designed so that the tapes run from the bridle the horse is wearing around Lucy’s back, to represent reins. The horse is also wearing a blue ribbon and, as Michael continues to look further down at the apron, he spots pockets, which involve further detail including a carrot and some sort of brush.

He puts the cookies down and pulls Lucy in for a hug. “Did you say thank you?” He feels Lucy nod against him and allows himself to look over her shoulder at Ryan, who’s busily rubbing at some non-existent dirt on the counter. Michael decides to leave his own thanks for later and instead scoops Lucy up to take her upstairs to her waiting bath.

*

An hour later, Lucy’s asleep and Michael heads back downstairs, pulling his phone out to order some food. He doesn’t often indulge in take out, but the early start has taken it out of him and he doesn’t feel like his standard fallback dinner of toddler leftovers. As he’s about to order, Michael realises he smells something in the air that is neither burning nor the remainder of macaroni cheese and hangs up.

He enters the kitchen to find Ryan putting the finishing touches to what he realises is a pie and his jaw drops.

“Did I forget that my mom’s coming round or something?” he asks.

Ryan blushes a little. “No, I just figured you’d need a decent meal having done a bunch of clinics today. And I wanted to thank you for Friday.”

“Well, you didn’t have to, but you were right,” Michael tells him. “Did you eat with Lucy or are you joining me?”

Ryan shakes his head. “You said you wanted to talk about travelling so I figured you might want to get that out of the way. But if you want to leave it until tomorrow...”

Michael sits down at the table. “I want to hear about your weekend. Then we can discuss the other stuff.”

He proceeds to serve himself a plate of food and begin eating, gesturing for Ryan to do the same. “How’s your...” he begins to say, until he takes a bite of his dinner and has to fight back the urge to swoon. “Dude. I’m writing cooking into your contract. Because this is incredible.”

“I knew there’d be a down side to revealing my skills,” Ryan laughs. “My repertoire isn’t all that, don’t get excited.”

“I could eat this every day for the rest of my life and you’d hear no complaints,” Michael assures him. “That said, I’d also be the size of a house, so we’re probably better off if you don’t. So. How’s your mom?”

“Pleased to be home,” Ryan smiles, relaxing slightly. “She looked a lot happier the minute she stepped on the driveway, it was amazing.”

Michael smiles, but approaches the next question with caution. “And did you sort stuff out with the rest of your family?”

Ryan nods. “Yeah, things are... better. It was hard, but I eventually got the others to see where I was coming from, why I’m doing what I’m doing.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes, before Ryan asks a question. “So where are we going?”

Michael finishes his food and focuses his attention on Ryan. “Well I should probably explain where this has come from,” he begins. “It was Worlds this summer and I turned all of that down, I wanted to be here with Lucy, I wasn’t ready for all of that. But next year is the Olympics and... I can’t really avoid it.”

“So are we going to a meet or what?” Ryan asks.

Michael shakes his head. “It’s a promo tour, a mix of clinics and media. There’s a game coming out with my face on it and Speedo have done a new suit, so I have to do the talk shows and stuff too. If I were going by myself and working flat out, I could probably have it done in ten days.”

“And you don’t want to do it that way?” 

Michael pauses to gather his thoughts. “No. I thought about it. But it’s an opportunity as well, you know? She’s still too little to remember most things, but I think it’s worth a shot, taking her places and showing her things. Like... leaving her here makes it look like I see her as an inconvenience. Which I don’t. I want Lucy around me.”

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me,” Ryan reminds him. “You just have to tell me where to be and when.”

“It’s a week in Europe and two weeks around the US, taking the slow route,” Michael says. “There are still some small details that need working on, but you should be able to stick to your schedule – I’ll have my agent arrange you flights back to Florida for Friday nights as much as possible, and back to Lucy and me for Monday mornings.”

He looks up and sees Ryan’s mouth hanging open. “What?”

Michael blinks. “It’s your contract. I’m honouring it, that’s all.”

“Yeah, but...”

“No buts,” Michael insists. “And we’ll all be back in our relevant homes for Thanksgiving. Is that okay?”

“Well... yeah, of course,” Ryan replies, still in shock. “You’re really gonna do a tour of Europe in four days?”

Michael winces slightly. “Yeah, I’m not gonna lie, the Europe bit’s gonna involve some pain. Which mostly means a lot of flights. And I need to check if my mom can come too, because the schedule’s tight, but it’s doable.”

“If you need me to...” Ryan begins.

“No,” Michael says firmly. “It’ll work. It’s just gonna be a bit whirlwind. But it would be anyway, you know? If I were going by myself, it’d be even tighter. I wouldn’t have any time at all to stop and look at stuff, and I wouldn’t be putting Lucy to bed at night or having breakfast with her. It’s better this way.”

“If you’re sure...”

“I am. I’ve been thrashing this out for a couple of weeks and we’ve finally managed to get it so that I’m happy, but it means that we can’t delay any longer. The timing actually works well, because it means sales over Thanksgiving could be good, which pleases the sponsors and stuff. But it means starting next Monday – you’ll be flying overnight to London on Sunday and straight to work when you land.”

Ryan nods. “That’s not a problem.”

“Great,” Michael says, standing up to clear the dishes away. “I’m speaking to my mom and my agent in the morning, you’ll have the full three week schedule by the end of the day.”

“Thanks. I’ll make sure Lucy’s stuff is all packed before I leave on Friday.”

“How soon can we train her to do that herself?” Michael asks. “Because I’m pretty confident that I still couldn’t do that without your help.”

Ryan laughs. “Depends if you want the hobby horses to come along for the ride and whether you want her to have enough suitable clothes,” he says. “But, in all seriousness, I don’t think you’d do as badly as that.”

“I think you’re being too nice,” Michael snorts.

“Well, if you don’t think you can pack, how about you make some suggestions for stuff you’d like to show her in your free time?” Ryan suggests. “Come up with some ideas and I’ll do the research.”

Michael grins. “That’s the easiest bit: find me somewhere I can take her to see a horse in each place.”

“See, dude, you totally know the way to your daughter’s heart,” Ryan reminds him. “Done, I’ll make it happen.”

“Now that that’s sorted, where did you put those cookies?” Michael asks.

Ryan produces the plate from the counter and offers them to him. As he’s busy selecting a cookie, Michael casually asks another question. “Did you make the apron yourself?”

“Yeah,” Ryan nods. “One-off custom Lochte original.”

Michael looks up, smiling gently. “It’s perfect. You didn’t have to go to all of that effort.”

Ryan shrugs. “It wasn’t any trouble, until the sewing machine broke,” he admits. “But I’d done most of it by then, it was just finishing the details by hand.”

Michael stares at him, even more impressed. “Fuck,” he says, taking a bit of cookie. “So, uh, do you make a lot of stuff?”

Ryan sets about putting the cookies into a container, mumbling slightly as he explains. “I’ve made a few things... mostly experiments when I was thinking about trying to get a line off the ground, nothing special. And a few gifts here and there.”

“And you’re trying to tell me that I under-estimate myself?” Michael says, eyebrow raised.

Ryan shrugs again. “It’s not really that, I know I can do it. I’m just focused on other things right now. Work, my family... Doing stuff like that for Lucy... well, it made her happy and gave me a chance to try something a little different. So it was a win all round, good opportunity to practice.”

“Well, any time you want to practice other garments on my daughter, go right ahead,” Michael encourages. “Next time you get inspired, knock yourself out.”

Ryan considers this for a moment. “Thanks,” he says eventually. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“And, y’know, don’t feel like you should suppress your baking urges either.”

“I thought you wanted to not be the size of a house?” Ryan smiles.

“Uh... well, if you carry on baking I’ll just have to make sure I hit the gym more often,” Michael decides.

“Well, don’t do that on my account,” Ryan tells him, starting towards the stairs. “I learned that particular skill for a reason; it’s nice to have people who show their appreciation for it and aren’t all uptight about indulging themselves.”

As Michael tidies up the kitchen, he replays the conversation, wondering if there’s a way to interpret the nanny’s comments other than as being flirtatious.


	15. Chapter 15

Michael’s never been as glad to see Ryan as he is at just before eight in the morning the following Monday. Ryan’s managed to defy the laws of physics – as well as airports, immigration and rush hour traffic – and arrived in their London hotel suite ahead of schedule, bearing breakfast and a giant coffee. And Michael knows that it’s not just for this reason and due to his own blearily exhausted state that Ryan also manages to look effortlessly good: he suspects that might have something to do with the nanny being rested from an uninterrupted night of sleep on the plane and having had a good weekend in Florida.

The nanny swoops in like the superhero Michael firmly believes him to be and greets Lucy cheerfully, even though his daughter is on the edge of yet another prize tantrum. Having settled his charge with a drink, Ryan turns his attention to Michael.

“Wow,” he blinks.

“I know,” Michael grumbles. “Please don’t laugh.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Ryan says earnestly, unbuttoning his coat and taking it off. He hands Michael his coffee and breakfast bag. “I’ve got this. It’s time out for you. Eat, drink, shower,” he pauses here, regarding Michael carefully, “Did you even bring a razor?”

Michael scowls at him and Ryan holds his hands up in defence. “I’m sorry, I had to ask.”

Michael takes a swig of coffee and Ryan continues issuing instructions. “Eat, drink, shave, shower, get your stuff together and go. You need to be out of here in less than an hour.”

Michael bends down to kiss Lucy before heading for his bedroom muttering, “Remind me who the boss is?”

*

Ten hours later, Michael flops down in the backseat of the car with a groan. He closes his eyes and almost falls asleep, before remembering there’s something he has to do. He pulls his phone out and dials Ryan.

“You on your way back?” the nanny asks when he picks up.

“Yeah, finally. As usual, everything overran a bit,” Michael sighs. “Is she still awake?”

“Only just,” Ryan tells him. “Sorry, man. I was trying really hard to get her to hang on, but she’s exhausted. We’re reading a story now, you wanna join in?”

“Uh,” Michael falters. “Yeah, okay.”

There’s a bit of rustling and the line echoes a bit the next time Michael hears Ryan’s voice. “It’s your daddy, say hi,” he hears Ryan say.

“’ello daddy,” Lucy yawns.

“Hey Luce,” Michael smiles despite himself. “Did you have fun today?”

“Ducks,” Lucy yawns again.

“We went to the park nearby and fed some ducks,” Ryan explains. “But we’re reading _Morris’s Disappearing Bag_ now.”

“That’s one of my favourites,” Michael says without really thinking, wondering if it’s possible to catch yawns via the phone.

Through his tired haze, he imagines Ryan smiling at what he just said before he continues reading, “Morris’s other sister, Betty, got a chemistry set. And Morris... uhoh.”

Michael frowns, “That’s not how it goes.”

“Wow, it really is one of your favourites if you know it that well,” Ryan says, voice hushed a little.

“It hasn’t got many words,” Michael mumbles, blushing.

“Well spotted,” Ryan congratulates him, “but the ‘uhoh’ was because she fell asleep.”

“Oh,” Michael says disappointedly. “I’ll let you go then.”

“Don’t worry, MP,” Ryan replies, “I won’t make you wait until tomorrow night to find out what happens. I’ll read you the rest when you get back.”

“Don’t joke about that sort of thing,” Michael warns him. “I’m your boss, remember? I can actually make you do that.”

“The way you sound, I don’t think I’ll be reading many more pages,” Ryan chuckles quietly. “I’ll see you in a bit.” He hangs up quickly and Michael pockets his phone, sinking further into his seat and dozing off.

*

As he steps out of the elevator, Michael’s phone rings: it’s his mom, so he answers straight away.

“How’s Lucy?” she asks. Since his daughter arrived, Michael’s gotten used to being an afterthought – he no longer rolls his eyes at his own mother rarely asking how he is.

“I don’t know, I’m only just getting back to the suite now,” he replies. “I sort of spoke to her in the car, she fell asleep while I was on the phone to Ryan.”

“I thought you were supposed to be back to put her down?”

“You know how it is. Toddler plus jet lag multiplied by father with media commitments equals complicated schedule,” Michael sighs, leaning against the wall as he fishes around for his key card.

“Is she sleeping okay?” Debbie asks.

“Seems to be. I’m sure she’ll be on her best behaviour by the time you arrive on Thursday,” Michael replies, with hope more than expectation.

“It’s Ryan I feel sorry for,” his mother muses. Michael pauses, key card held up to the slot. “All that flying back and forth, he’s not going to know what day it is.”

“It’s his choice, mom. He needs to do it at the moment,” Michael tells her. “And anyway, when he starts work again on Monday morning, it’ll be in LA, that’s not so bad for him as it has been this week.”

“But worse for Lucy,” his mother reminds him. Michael winces.

“I know. But you know what? We can’t always do what’s exactly best for her, sometimes she has to do a bit of fitting in too,” Michael says, getting frustrated. “I’m doing my best here.”

“Best for who?” Debbie asks.

“Mom, I’ve got to go,” he insists. “I want to go and stick my head in, even if she’s asleep. I just need to see her.”

“Okay,” his mother relents. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

Michael swipes himself in as he’s hanging up, closing the door as quietly as possible behind him. When he looks up, he spots Ryan on the couch with his back to the door, an ear bud in, bent over the coffee table sketching.

Michael watches for a minute, allowing himself to indulge, even though a nagging whisper in his head tells him that he’s being creepy. He watches Ryan’s hand glide across the page, as if the nanny doesn’t have to think about what he’s doing. Ryan’s head bounces a little to the music filtering through his ear and every so often he reaches for a different coloured pencil, the movement smooth and barely conscious.

The spell is broken by a phone ringing. Michael blushes, knowing he’s about to be caught and automatically fumbles for his own phone before realising it hasn’t moved, lit up or made a noise.

“Hello?” Ryan’s voice pipes up from the couch.

Michael steps into the room, taking his jacket off and placing it on an armchair. Ryan looks up at him when he realises he’s not alone and offers Michael a slight smile, listening to the person on the other end of the phone. Michael stands awkwardly as Ryan turns his attention back to his call. The nanny stands up, still listening and disappears into his room, shutting the door quietly.

Michael finds himself noticing for the first time how quiet it is. He still wants to look in on Lucy, but his stomach growls in protest, so Michael locates the room service menu, scanning it quickly. He picks up the phone to order and finds himself wondering if Ryan has eaten. Michael glances around the room and can’t see any sign of Ryan having had dinner, so he makes an executive decision and places an order.

As he’s on the phone, Ryan’s sketches catch Michael’s eye. Normally, if Michael enters a room to find Ryan drawing, the other man shuffles his papers together as quickly as possible, not wanting to share his creations with his boss. Having seen Ryan’s handiwork in the flesh for the first time, Michael’s even more curious than he was before. He looks over his shoulder at Ryan’s bedroom door, though he isn’t sure why he bothers given that he hasn’t heard any signs of life from the other room.

Satisfied that the coast is relatively clear, Michael sits down in Ryan’s spot on the couch and leans over the table to assess the sketches. He’s surprised by how many there are, a sheaf of A3 sheets are laid out across the table, covered in annotated drawings which Michael’s intrigued to see are a variety of what appears to be sportswear and men’s tailoring. He’s reluctant to touch the pages, wary that he could get caught or that Ryan might have an eidetic memory and would know if he moved any of the pieces of paper by even a tiny bit, or that he might have them laced with something that reveals fingerprints. Something in Michael’s brain knows that these are irrational possibilities, but he gets the feeling that designers might be twitchy about intellectual property and wonders if that’s why Ryan’s hidden his stuff all along, rather than it being out of embarrassment or shyness.

Michael leans closer to one sketch in particular, admiring the cut of a jacket and wondering how it might look on himself when he hears a throat being cleared behind him. He stands up and whirls around guiltily, coming perilously close to upending the table – and himself – in the process.

Ryan steps further into the room from his bedroom, phone in hand and expression impassive.

“I, uh...” Michael stammers.

“Couldn’t help yourself?” Ryan offers.

Michael blushes. “Something like that.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Ryan responds, joining him beside the table. He looks down, following the path that Michael’s gaze had taken a few moments before. He’s standing close to Michael now, so much so that Michael can smell the nanny’s cologne.

Ryan picks up the sketch Michael was looking at. “You like it?” he asks quietly.

Michael nods. He chances a glance at Ryan, only to notice the nanny scrutinising him in a way he doesn’t think he has before. Ryan’s bright eyes flick between Michael’s body and the paper in his hand, causing Michael to start to feel a little self-conscious, which he hasn’t really felt for a long time. There’s something different about the penetration of Ryan’s gaze this time, an assessment that Michael isn’t used to, a test he doesn’t know how to pass.

“Wouldn’t have been my first choice for you,” Ryan muses, glancing down at the other sketches briefly. “I see you more as a three piece kind of guy, but I could adjust it to make it work...”

“I didn’t mean...” Michael falters again.

“Hold still,” Ryan commands, sitting himself down to perch on the edge of the couch. He picks up a pencil and pulls a fresh sheet of paper closer. Ryan fixes his gaze on Michael and his hand moves back and forth across the page as he stares at his boss.

Michael must be looking alarmed, because Ryan breaks into a smile. “Relax,” Ryan tells him. “This won’t hurt. How am I supposed to know what I’m drawing if I’m looking at a blank piece of paper?”

Michael allows that thought to drift through his brain and tries to think about something else, other than the fact that Ryan’s studying his body and mapping it out on the page in front of him. Ryan helps by starting up an explanatory monologue.

“I have no idea where the sports gear came from, I haven’t done that for a long time. Suits are more my normal thing,” he says idly, pencil drifting back and forth across the place as his eyes skim up and down Michael’s body. “Most people think suits are boring but they’re so intricate. All the detail, the cuts just so – in the right place and you look incredible, in the wrong place and it’s hideous.”

Michael manages to choke out a question, but tries to do it without moving. “So tailoring – that’s what you want to do?”

Ryan meets his gaze for a split second, without pausing in his drawing. “It’s what I practice most, because I love it. But it’s a challenging market. I draw what comes to mind usually. Hence the sports gear. Maybe it’s the jet lag looping me out, but they’re not totally hideous.”

Michael can’t really recall the other stuff – once he’d zoned in on the suit, the rest had fallen away. He tries to surreptitiously glance down but can’t get a good look without moving. All he sees are flashes of purple, neon orange and bright blue, which he’s not sure should work on one page, but he assumes that Ryan’s put them there for a reason.

“Hold still,” Ryan repeats, quieter than he had been a second ago, his hand moving faster and with more purpose now that he’s got the basics down. Michael doesn’t know where to take the conversation next and doesn’t want to distract Ryan. He finds himself zoning out, and autopilot takes him to swimming an IM, thinking about being on the blocks, diving in, kicking and pulling and breathing and...

“How’s this?” Ryan’s question breaks through Michael’s mental race as he’s thinking about folding his body up and pushing through a turn. He has to blink a couple of times in order to focus on the page that Ryan’s holding towards him, rather than the nanny’s fingers or expectant expression.

Michael clears his throat and takes in the hasty sketch before him, unable to stop his jaw from dropping a little. “Uh...” he flounders. “Fuck. How did you do that?”

Ryan blushes furiously. “Well, you watched. I picked up a penc...”

“Yeah, I know that,” Michael says distractedly, reaching out to touch the paper as if it might disintegrate into a puff of smoke when he makes contact, merely a figment of his imagination. His fingers brush the paper and he knows it’s real – an image from Ryan’s brain translated onto the page in front of him. A sketch of him, for him.

“Like... you can make that?” he eventually asks.

“Well, no,” Ryan admits. “I’m not a tailor. But, uh, I do know one.”

“Yes,” Michael nods incoherently.

“Yes what?” Ryan asks.

Michael looks up from the page, making eye contact with Ryan. “I like it. I want it.”

Ryan swallows. “Right. Then...”

There’s a murmur in the distance. It starts quietly but builds quickly. Michael and Ryan both recognise it instantly and they’re reminded of the real reason that they’re stood in the same room.

Ryan sighs, breaking Michael’s gaze and looking down. “I’ll...”

“No,” Michael says firmly. “I’ll go.” He crosses the room, the moment well and truly broken as he opens the door to Lucy’s room, adopting a soothing tone. “It’s okay, Luce. I’m here.”


	16. Chapter 16

After another busy day in London, Michael meets Ryan and Lucy at the airport for an evening flight to Rome, and then the true madness begins. Because the following evening sees them boarding another plane – this time to Berlin – where they again only stay for one night.

On Thursday afternoon, they arrive in Barcelona. Debbie is waiting for them at the hotel, and Michael calls it a win when she greets her granddaughter with open arms, glancing up at him to smile rather than frown.

With Debbie present to watch Lucy, Michael knocks on Ryan’s bedroom door in the early evening. The nanny answers wearing sweats and a pair of glasses that, on anyone else, Michael would describe as geeky, but on Ryan are just bringing one word to mind: hot.

Realising he’s been silent for too long, Michael clears his throat and finds his tongue. “I’m taking you out,” he states.

Ryan blinks and glances down at his attire. Michael fills the blank, “Jeans and kicks. Tapas and beer. Let’s go.”

*

Half an hour later, they’re in a restaurant that’s more of a bar which Michael dimly remembers frequenting during his first trip to a big meet during retirement. The flashbacks – in the cold light of being a parent – are alarming, and Michael resolves there and then to ensure that Lucy develops a good douche radar. Michael also makes a mental note to restrict his alcohol intake throughout the evening, mindful of his drunken and failed attempt to hit on Ryan in Beijing. He puts his card behind the bar and instructs Ryan to go crazy. The nanny obliges by leaning over the bar to speak to the barman. In what sounds suspiciously like perfect Spanish.

Ryan turns to Michael, dropping back into English. “Any requests?” he asks.

Michael briefly stares at him as if he’s grown another head. He has to work hard to bite back the urge to instruct Ryan to speak in Spanish at all times – again, the word which comes to mind is “hot” – and instead stammers, “Uh, a beer? And... food?”

Ryan laughs, leaning over to talk to the barman once more, and proceeds to have another exchange in rapid Spanish. When they’re done, the barman disappears and Ryan settles himself on a stool next to Michael.

Their drinks appear and Ryan shares another quick conversation with the barman. When they’re alone again, he takes a sip of his beer and shakes his head, smiling.

“You still haven’t read my résumé, have you?” he marvels. “You must really like me.”

Michael takes a gulp of his own beer, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. “Give me the linguistic highlights,” he says.

Ryan spins on his stool, sitting up and adopting what Michael assumes is supposed to be a professional position, mocking the lack of formal interview with Michael.

“Fluent in Spanish and English,” he recites. “Confident French and Portuguese. Conversational German, Italian and Japanese. Basic Mandarin.”

Michael blinks and takes a larger pull on his beer. “And you speak Baby and Toddler too.”

Ryan laughs. “You speak Lucy and Dad. It’s all relative.”

“How did all of those come about?” Michael asks.

Ryan shrugs. “My mom’s Cuban, so we were brought up pretty much bi-lingual. Which was great, because there were five of us and dad doesn’t speak a word of Spanish, so if mom wasn’t around we could have secret conversations,” he explains. “A summer in Brazil sorted the Portuguese. French and German were high school, then I had clients who were French and Italian. I was in Japan a lot for an internship another summer and the Mandarin I learned on our trip to Beijing.”

Michael’s still fairly stunned. “Can you teach Lucy Spanish?”

Ryan shrugs. “Don’t see why not.”

Their food arrives and that halts the conversation for a while. Ryan names each of the dishes in Spanish – though could, of course, be making it up for all Michael knows. Michael attempts to mimic the nanny’s accent, managing to laugh at his own ineptitude in the process. Their attention is occasionally diverted by the cheers and boos that ring out across the room as the locals watch a soccer match.

As the evening progresses, Michael and Ryan relax in each other’s company. A couple of hours later, it strikes Michael that he didn’t laugh and smile this much when he last went out for an evening with his friends, and that makes him feel a little guilty, but also pleased that Ryan fits so neatly into his life, that they can work together, live together and actually enjoy spending downtime together too.

They make their way through another couple of beers each and the bar starts to empty as the soccer match concludes. Michael’s finishing his drink alone while Ryan’s in the bathroom, and it takes him a moment to realise that he has company.

A guy is stood next to him at the bar and smiles at Michael confidently. Michael smiles back and waits for the inevitable camera or pen to be produced. It doesn’t happen. Instead, the guy leans closer and starts speaking Spanish.

Michael regards him with an appropriate look to communicate his lack of comprehension and the guy just shrugs, reaching out to run a hand along Michael’s forearm instead. Michael’s gaze drops to the guy’s hand on his arm, having to watch the movement of the other man’s hand to convince himself that he’s not imagining the thumb sweeping back and forth to caress his outstretched limb.

When he turns his face back to stare at the guy in shock, he’s confronted with a scowling Ryan, who immediately begins a rapid exchange with the stranger. Michael looks on bewildered as Ryan and the other guy converse in an increasingly heated tone which transcends the language barrier which still exists for Michael.

Michael leans back carefully as he observes, wanting to avoid being hit by a stray whirling arm, four of which are being casually flung around as Ryan and the Spaniard gesticulate constantly during their conversation. Michael is strangely fascinated by the conversation that he’s failing to understand verbally, just as he is by the passion burning clearly in Ryan’s eyes – something that he’s locking down for any future lonely nights. He groans inwardly as he realises that the desire he’d been carefully suppressing has come totally unravelled at the discovery of Ryan’s Spanish Mode.

Ryan seems to be making some headway in what Michael’s now certain is an argument, and stands his ground until the other man backs off, slinking away to wherever he’d sprung from. Ryan shakes his head and picks up his glass to down the remainder of his beer. Michael uses international sign language to request the bill from the barman and settles their tab. With Ryan’s glass abandoned and Michael’s card returned, they’re soon out of the bar and heading down the street towards the hotel.

The relaxed, cheerful atmosphere of the evening has vanished, an air of tension – which Michael hopes is at least partly sexual – in its place.

A couple of streets from the hotel, Michael grabs Ryan’s arm, pulling him to a halt and catching his eye. It’s clear that the nanny isn’t going to volunteer an explanation, and Michael’s pretty sure he’s joined some of the dots, but something in him needs confirmation of what just happened.

“Are you gonna translate that for me?” he asks.

Ryan shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking away guiltily. He sighs, forcing himself to look up at Michael again before speaking.

“I cockblocked you,” he confesses, turning away and continuing towards the hotel.

Michael gapes after him. He’d figured as much, but he hadn’t expected Ryan to admit it just like that.

“You did what?” he yells, jogging to catch up with Ryan and standing to block his path.

Ryan snorts. “I know you and he don’t speak the same language, but please tell me you picked up the signals and knew he was hitting on you.”

“Oh fuck you. I’m a parent but I’m not blind, stupid or dead,” Michael retorts. “Of course I realised!”

“And you know the Spanish for condom, do you?” Ryan asks hotly.

“Teach me,” Michael demands. “And I’ll go and find him.”

“You don’t want to,” Ryan tells him.

“Says who?” Michael explodes, no longer caring that they’re having what should be a private disagreement very publicly. “What gives you the right?”

“He was a prize douche, I was looking out for you,” Ryan replies, stepping sideways to try and move past Michael.

Michael grabs the nanny’s shoulder, holding him back. “And how do you know that?”

Ryan stills and regards Michael carefully before telling him evenly, “He thought we were together. And he went for it anyway.”

Michael’s jaw drops again. Ryan’s tone softens a little, “He knew who you are, dude. It had kiss and tell written all over it.”

Ryan carefully pulls himself free of Michael’s grasp and walks away, leaving Michael staring after him.

*

Michael wakes up early the next morning. Very early. He checks his phone and notices with a groan that it’s not even four am. He and Ryan had arrived back at the hotel just after eleven – a very pedestrian night out by Michael’s pre-Lucy standards – and gone straight to bed. Michael had fallen asleep immediately and made the mistake of forgetting to take a glass of water to bed. His head is throbbing a little and his mouth feels dry. 

Michael assumes that nobody else will be awake at this ungodly hour, but takes the precaution of pulling on a pair of track pants as he leaves the room just in case. As he approaches the kitchenette, he’s glad that he did, because there’s a muffled crashing sound followed by a whispered curse.

Michael pauses in the hallway, realising that Ryan is responsible for the noise. He contemplates turning back and grabbing a shirt as well, not wanting to make the nanny uncomfortable. Michael glances down at his body, giving himself a shake and reminding himself that Ryan’s seen him in far less at the pool – as has anyone else who’s typed his name into a search engine during the last couple of decades – and proceeds into the kitchenette.

He clears his throat quietly, trying not to make Ryan jump and break something else. “You okay?” he asks.

Ryan stands up from his position crouched on the floor where he’s gathering up pieces of a broken mug. He’s wearing his glasses again, as well as basketball shorts and a faded t-shirt. “Yeah,” the nanny rasps. Ryan blinks and looks to be trying very hard to look Michael in the eye. “Did I wake you?”

Michael shakes his head and opens a cupboard to grab a glass. “No, I forgot to take a glass of water when I went to bed.”

Ryan swallows and holds up the broken mug. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Michael replies, filling his glass. “You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”

Ryan puts the broken pieces in the bin. “No, I’m fine.”

“Good,” Michael says, turning for the door.

“Wait,” Ryan blurts out. Michael stops, looking over his shoulder at Ryan. “There’s something I need to say.”

Michael steps back into the room and settles himself on a stool at the kitchen island. He takes a sip of his water and nods. “Go ahead.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan begins, “about... in the bar.”

Michael blinks and rubs a hand through his hair. “You’re not making sense, dude. Should we do this when we’ve slept?”

“No, please,” Ryan says a little desperately. He sighs and sits himself down, looking like he’s trying to arrange his thoughts. He tries again, “I’m sorry for telling that guy to leave you alone. You’re right, it wasn’t my place.”

Michael stays quiet for a minute, letting Ryan’s apology sink in and taking another drink. “Apology accepted,” he eventually says. “But only if you accept mine too.”

“I... okay, let’s hear it,” Ryan agrees.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you without letting you explain. It did seem like you had my best interests at heart,” Michael offers. He sighs. “It’s difficult. I went from sixty to zero, you know? Lucy just landed in my life and most of the time, I’m cool with it. I love her. But sometimes...”

“You miss who you were?” Ryan asks.

Michael nods slowly. “Yeah, I guess. And it could’ve been terrible if I’d gone with that guy. All sorts of things could’ve happened. But some of those things could’ve been good, you know? Yeah, I’m a father now. But I can’t let myself be defined just by that. I’m still a former swimmer who runs a charity and has other family and friends and...”

“Needs?” Ryan quirks an eyebrow. “I get it.” He stands up and makes to leave.

“Ryan, I...”

Ryan holds his hands up. “It’s okay. I over-stepped the mark. I got carried away,” he admits. “Like... maybe that’s where we draw the line. That we don’t do that stuff, taking a night off together.”

Michael’s stomach drops. “That’s not what I meant,” he backpedals.

Ryan sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Right. Well... maybe you’re right, maybe now isn’t the time to talk about this,” he relents. “But in a couple of hours, Lucy’ll be up and needing me and then you’re off to another shoot and I’m leaving...”

Michael stands up and joins Ryan on the other side of the room. “Please don’t jump to any decisions now. Go home, have a great weekend and we’ll see you in LA,” Michael offers.

Ryan pauses before nodding. “I’ll see you in LA,” he repeats. “Goodnight, Michael.”

The nanny turns and heads down the hall to his bedroom, closing the door firmly behind him. Once he’s back in his own bed, Michael stares at the ceiling, unable to sleep as he hopes that he hasn’t fucked up his burgeoning friendship with Ryan for good this time.


	17. Chapter 17

The hotel staff unlock the door to the suite and step back to let Michael inside, a sleeping Lucy over his shoulder. Ryan’s in the hallway in front of him and Michael frowns – he hadn’t expected to see the nanny until the evening.

“Changed my flight,” Ryan whispers. “Figured you might need a hand. You want me to take her?”

Michael shakes his head carefully. “Might wake her up,” he whispers back.

Ryan nods and opens another door, letting Michael through to put Lucy down on the bed. Michael takes off his daughter’s shoes and pulls the comforter over her. He brushes her hair back off her forehead, suppressing a yawn of his own. 

Ryan reappears beside him with Lucy’s favourite toy and sets it down beside her. They creep out together, pulling the door until it’s not quite closed behind them.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Michael yawns. Ryan raises an eyebrow in response. “But I’m totally grateful.”

“Daytime trans-Atlantic flights are tough, even with a kid who’s good at napping,” Ryan explains unnecessarily. “But you know that already. You want to take a nap yourself?”

Michael checks his watch and yawns again. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

“When did she last eat?” Ryan asks.

“Uh. About three hours ago,” Michael remembers.

“And you?”

“Oh dude. No fucking idea.”

“Dinner for you both when you wake up then,” Ryan decides. He pauses as Michael tips the staff and closes the suite door behind them. He turns to face Ryan again, a little disorientated.

“That’s your room,” Ryan points. He bites his lip. “But first, I need to ask you something.”

“What is it?” Michael asks, yawning again.

“You know that suit I drew?” Ryan says quietly. Michael suddenly feels himself wake up and nods. “A friend of mine’s in town, but he flies out tonight. He’s a tailor and... well he owes me. So I asked if he’d come over tonight.”

Michael doesn’t quite join the dots at the first attempt. “Ryan, if you want to see your friend...”

Ryan shakes his head. “Well, yes, of course I do. But he’s coming to see you. Well, fit you. For a suit.”

Michael stares at Ryan and rubs his face. “Are you serious?”

“Well, I mean, if it’s not convenient, I can cancel. But, like, I thought it was a good...” Ryan stammers quickly.

“You thought right,” Michael confirms, now that he understands. “What time’s he coming?”

“Seven,” Ryan replies, slightly shocked.

“Great, thank you,” Michael smiles. “I’m gonna take that nap, let me know if you need anything else.” He pushes the door to his room open and briefly contemplates what Ryan’s just told him. His brain doesn’t get very far once he’s horizontal on the large bed before he succumbs to sleep.

*

Michael’s startled from a dream about swimming with a golf club a few hours later by a soft knock at the door.

“Michael?” Ryan says quietly.

“Yeah?” Michael rasps in response, rubbing his face and rolling over to check the time.

“I’m ordering dinner for Lucy, do you want anything?” Ryan asks a little louder.

Michael hauls himself up and tries to think of an answer to the question. He gives up and says, “Come in,” instead.

The door opens a second later and Ryan sticks his head round, peering into the gloom. Michael curses himself for falling asleep fully dressed and flops back down against the pillows with a groan.

Ryan smiles at him. “I asked what you wanted to eat, not the meaning of life.”

Michael groans again. “Very funny. I’ll have whatever she’s having.”

“Fish sticks it is,” Ryan chuckles. “Would sir like a salad and fries with that?”

“I’d like to move her off a toddler diet sometime soon,” Michael sighs. “Can we get her into sushi?”

“Slippery slope, dude,” Ryan shakes his head ruefully. “Be careful what you wish for.”

Michael turns his head to look at Ryan, who’s still only half in the room. “You have a habit of being right about these things.”

“What can I say? Seen it all a thousand times before,” the nanny smiles. “It’ll be here soon, come and join us when you’re ready.”

*

Michael, Lucy and Ryan eat together and Lucy gets most of the way through dinner before the tears kick in. Ryan pulls a sympathetic face when the volume of Lucy’s cries goes up and notch and she clings to Michael frantically. Deciding it’s not worth a food fight, Michael gives up on dinner, scooping Lucy up and taking her for a bath – which gets predictably messy – and putting her to bed.

As he’s changing out of his wet clothes, there’s a knock at the door to the suite, which Ryan answers. Michael checks the time and realises it must be Ryan’s friend. He has a brief panic about what he’s wearing in front of two fashion-types – plus the state of his hair and beard – before assessing himself as a lost cause and joining the others in the living room.

The first thing Michael notices upon entering the room is how relaxed and content Ryan looks. He’s sharing a joke with his friend, sketchbook open on the table beside them next to a pile of fabric swatches which are all temporarily forgotten in what’s clearly a long overdue catch up. The second thing Michael notices is how attractive Ryan’s friend is. It doesn’t surprise him that a good-looking guy has similarly attractive friends, but it still startles him when he actively sees a man in that way.

Michael clears his throat and smiles when Ryan and his friend turn around, breaking off their conversation. Both men stand up and Ryan makes the introductions.

“David, this is my boss, Michael,” he begins. “Michael, this is my friend David.”

Michael and David shake hands and exchange hellos before getting on to the main order of business. The trio sit and spend a reasonable amount of time discussing what Michael wants: how many suits he wants, when he might wear them, what he likes and dislikes. For all that he claims to be inexperienced in this arena, Michael stops believing that of Ryan. The nanny handles the situation expertly, asking the right questions to determine how best to meet Michael’s needs, as well as using some knowledge that he’s somehow picked up along the way about his boss.

Michael catches the nanny’s eye periodically and smiles encouragingly, feeling far more engaged and interested in this whole project than he expected to. By the time he’s narrowed his fabric choices down to the two he likes best and is on to picking linings, Michael’s reminded far more of his previous life than he is of his current lifestyle of fatherhood.

Until, of course, the baby monitor crackles into life and Lucy hiccups over the speaker, sounding distressed. Ryan springs up before Michael has a chance. “I’ll go,” he says. “David’s on a schedule, so you’d better get started on measurements.”

He leaves them alone, and David gestures for Michael to stand up. The tailor starts taking measurements, writing them down as he goes. Michael’s curiosity is raging and he can’t resist the opportunity to quiz someone who knows Ryan in a different context.

“So, uh, how do you know Ryan?” he asks.

“We interned together one summer during college,” David replies. “I was kinda surprised when he came back to New York in a different capacity after graduating but...” he shrugs, “it’s not for everyone. We bonded during the internship, so we kept in touch.”

Michael nods, then remembers he’s supposed to be stood still. He’s trying to think of another casual question which could still yield useful information when Ryan returns.

“She ok?” Michael asks.

“Yeah, she went back to sleep pretty quickly,” Ryan assures him. “How are things going here?”

“Great,” David responds before Michael gets a chance. “I’m almost done. We picked out linings and I’m just finishing off with measurements.”

“Awesome,” Ryan smiles, settling back down on the couch.

“I forgot to mention: Kevin’s in town at the moment, he’s curating an exhibition here,” David tells Ryan.

“Oh really?” Ryan continues the conversation around Michael, who feels a bit as if he’s disappeared.

“Yeah, I was hoping to go, but I ran out of time, my diary’s been packed with clients,” David comments. “It’s had great reviews though, you should try and check it out.”

“I’d love to, but...” Ryan glances up at Michael, reminding David why he’s in town – that he’s here for business, not pleasure.

“Oh,” David nods his understanding, continuing to pull his tape measure around Michael and making more notes.

Michael frowns, keen not to come off as the hard-ass that he isn’t. “Does it have a late night?” he asks.

David and Ryan look up at him, as if only just remembering that he’s a live model rather than a statue. “Tuesdays,” David nods. “And it’s only on for another week, you’ve made it just in time.”

Ryan mouths blankly for a few seconds, so Michael steps in. “Check the calendar, Ryan,” he pushes. “But I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything Tuesday night. And even if I do... like, kids can go, right?”

David smiles. “Yeah, there’s no problem with that.”

“But...” Ryan tries.

“Alright, so you won’t be able to spend all day there and hang out and chat with other arty types and sketch or nerd out, whatever it is you art people do,” Michael admits. “But you’re good at showing her stuff like that, she wouldn’t totally hate it.”

Ryan blushes and fumbles with his phone to check the calendar. “Tuesday night’s clear,” he confirms. “But...”

“No buts,” Michael holds his hand up. “Block it out for yourself. I can stay in.” With the discussion over, Michael surveys the rest of the situation and decides to maintain an air of dominance. “Are we done?”

David nods. “Yeah, I’ve got everything I need.”

“Good,” Michael says. “I appreciate you coming over, looking forward to seeing your work.”

“No problem,” David replies. “I’ll be in touch when we’re ready to do the first fitting, but it’ll be in about three weeks.”

“Thanks. It’ll be great to see Ryan’s design come to life,” Michael throws a careful smile in the nanny’s direction, causing him to blush.

Ryan heads down the hall to see David out and Michael grabs a beer from the fridge, settling on the couch. He hears Ryan return, and can feel the other man hovering in the doorway uncertainly.

“I hope you’re not gonna go overboard with the apology every time you piss me off,” Michael says casually, without turning to look at Ryan.

The nanny replies quietly. “I hope I’m not going to piss you off again.”

Michael turns quickly, leaning over the back of the couch to look at Ryan. “Seriously. You didn’t have to go to all of that trouble.”

Ryan shrugs. “I was calling in an old favour. And... well, if I’m totally honest, I was flattered. By your reaction, I mean. Nobody’s looked at my drawings before the way you did. So I’m doing it for me too, to check I don’t totally suck.”

“You can’t honestly think you suck,” Michael scoffs. Ryan blushes and Michael bites his lip. “Really?” his tone softens.

Ryan steps into the room, settling on another chair with a shrug. “I guess I just don’t really know. Because I never tried. I sent my designs off to a few places once upon a time and didn’t get anywhere with it. Not that I tried all that hard anyways, because I’d kinda decided even then that it wasn’t what I’d end up doing. The only time I’ve seen my stuff go into production – apart from when I’ve made, like, the odd piece for kids – is when I won a competition in college.”

Michael’s jaw drops. Ryan’s twisting his hands in his lap, looking down at his fingers anxiously, but looks up when Michael doesn’t make a sound.

“I’m sorry, what?” Michael asks.

Ryan shrugs again. “There was a competition to re-design all of the kit for the sports teams,” he mumbles, looking down again. “And I won.”

Michael grabs his iPad, opening it up quickly. “Do they still use it?” he asks. He’s about to start searching when he pauses and blushes himself. “Uh. Which college did you go to?”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “UF. And yes, they do.”

Michael doesn’t hesitate in doing a search, adding Ryan’s name at the last minute. Within seconds, the internet is informing him that Ryan did indeed win the design competition, and when he selects the images, there are several of Ryan in design-mode, as well as poring over fabrics and looking very efficient with a tape measure. There are pictures of a fashion show, Ryan posing with the male and female models, as well as on a field with some cheerleaders. Michael forces himself to stop staring at Ryan and read a little more, scrutinising the pictures more closely from a design aspect. Not that it’s something he knows anything about. 

And no, sportswear isn’t a three piece suit. But from the picture where there’s a representative of every team, it’s clear that Ryan’s designs were intelligent and cohesive. There’s more orange than Michael would choose, but that’s Florida all over, and Ryan’s proud beam in the pictures tells a very different story to the apparently shy guy sat two seats away.

“Did this not, like, lead to anything?” he asks, still flipping through pictures. “Because surely this meant something?”

Ryan swallows before answering. “I got offered another internship,” he says quietly. “At a bigger place than David and I worked before. But I didn’t think I was good enough. I was worried about surviving. So I... chickened out. Sort of. My boss from my first internship called, and I got all excited initially, but the conversation didn’t really go how I thought it might. He said hearing the news reminded him how great I’d been with his kids when he’d needed me to look after them, and that their nanny was leaving and would I be interested in that.”

Michael looks up and into Ryan’s eyes, trying to read him. A tinge of something he can’t quite place had crept into Ryan’s voice, and he can’t help but think that the words Ryan’s saying and his story about his lack of confidence don’t quite match up to the guy in the pictures with one arm around a cheerleader and the other around a footballer, proudly displaying the results of his work.

Ryan gets up. “It’s all a million years ago,” he shrugs. “It’s not important anymore.”

Michael opens his mouth to protest and Ryan walks quickly to the door. “I’m gonna get some sleep. Lucy’ll be jetlagged out of her mind, I’ll get up with her. You’ve got appearances all day, try and sleep until a normal time, yeah?”

Michael swallows and nods, wanting to probe further, but knowing that Ryan has closed the subject. “Thanks,” he says.

Ryan shrugs and waves as he walks out the door. “Just doing my job.”

*

Michael’s Monday is an endless whirl of appearances and interviews once it gets going, with barely time to breathe. He falls into the suite in the early evening exhausted and gives Ryan a half-hearted wave before sticking his head in to make sure he hasn’t forgotten what his sleeping daughter looks like and collapsing on his own bed.

Tuesday is a much more sane experience and he arrives back at the hotel fairly early, pleased that he’ll get to spend some time with Lucy, even if it does mean playing ponies. Michael quickly pulls on a fresh shirt but, as he approaches the living room, he can’t hear the TV or anything that sounds like a game being played.

When he rounds the corner, Michael realises why: Ryan and Lucy are busy in the kitchenette, focused intently on something at the bench. Michael sits across the worktop from them, his jaw dropping when he sees exactly what they’re doing.

“Well this is impressive,” he says, regarding the array of ingredients in front of him. Although he’s already figured out what they’re making, he asks his daughter anyway. “What’re you making, Luce?”

Lucy turns to look at Ryan behind her and he nods encouragingly. “Go on,” the nanny says.

Lucy turns back to Michael and grins. “Sushi,” she announces.

“Is it for me?” Michael asks.

“It’s for Ryan and me and if you’re good, you can have some,” she tells him seriously.

“Oh,” Michael says, mock-taken aback.

“You have to set the table and do the dishes,” Lucy says authoritatively.

“Yes ma’am,” he salutes. “Can I watch for a bit first? This looks interesting.”

Lucy pouts but nods, then resumes her concentration as Ryan shows her how to assemble the ingredients and together they finish a batch of California rolls.

“I could get used to this,” Michael comments as he watches, “you guys cooking for me.”

Ryan grins at him over the top of Lucy’s head. “What do you think, Luce? Shall we make a habit of having dad’s dinner on the table?”

Lucy shakes her head. “You have to cook for me.”

Michael laughs and gets up. “I knew it was too good to be true.” He leans over and kisses his daughter, ducking around the bench to start getting dishes together. “Are there any chopsticks?”

Ryan nods distractedly as he rolls more ingredients together with Lucy. “They’re, uh, in with the silverware.”

Michael grabs what he needs and sets the table, arranging the already completed dishes so that everyone can reach. Ryan helps Lucy wash her hands and they sit down together to eat. Michael is slightly concerned about whether or not Lucy will enjoy her creations, and wants to ask if Ryan has a backup plan, but doesn’t want to draw Lucy’s attention to an alternative option, so he chooses to trust Ryan’s judgment and see what happens.

He picks up his chopsticks and serves himself some food, watching as Lucy chooses some of her own. His worries switch to a different gear, concerned that yet again a monster may have been created, and that this could be a slippery slope of sophisticated dining choices, resulting in his daughter having a refined yet expensive palate.

Lucy doesn’t like everything she tries, but Michael’s proud that she genuinely seems to like most of it. She asks if he’s been on TV today and Michael explains where he’s been and who he’s met, before asking what Ryan and Lucy have done.

“We saw Ryan’s friend,” Lucy announces. 

Michael drops his chopsticks and looks up at Ryan, suddenly remembering that the nanny was due to go to the gallery. “I thought you were going tonight?”

Ryan blushes. “Change of plans,” he says. “You were right, I thought Lucy might enjoy it, so we went this morning.”

“Did you draw me any pictures, Luce?” Michael asks, picking his chopsticks up and regaining his composure.

Lucy nods, taking a final bite of food. “Can I see them?” Michael prompts, causing Lucy to nod again. Michael smiles. “Okay, you’re excused, will you go and get them for me?”

Lucy duly climbs down from her chair and Michael turns to Ryan. “You know, it’s okay if you want to go out tonight, I really don’t mind,” he tells the nanny.

Ryan hesitates, pushing some sushi around his plate before looking up to respond. “I’d rather stay here,” he says simply. Michael desperately wants to probe further, but Lucy has returned with a sheaf of papers.

Michael pulls his daughter into his lap and pushes his plate aside so that she can talk him through the pictures she’s drawn. Michael coos at all the appropriate moments and Lucy doesn’t notice that Ryan clears up around them. She’s yawning towards the end and Michael smiles, holding her close.

For the second time in a fortnight, Morris fails to return from his disappearing bag before Lucy falls asleep.

*

Ryan’s putting the final dishes away when Michael returns to the kitchenette. “You didn’t have to do that, I’d have held my end up,” Michael tells him.

Ryan smiles, “It’s cool, I don’t mind telling her you did it. And you had your hands full with getting her to bed.”

“It was a great idea, thank you,” Michael says earnestly. “Your talents don’t end, do they?”

Ryan laughs and blushes a little. “Oh, they do. I spent a lot of last night watching videos on YouTube to prepare for today.”

“Even so,” Michael shrugs. “I was more impressed by the fact that you got Lucy to eat all of that stuff.”

“Oh that’s the easy part,” Ryan tells him. “When they’re invested, when they’ve helped make it, they want to try it. The curiosity kills them otherwise.”

Michael blinks, wondering why that had never occurred to him. “I did go to college, dude,” Ryan winks. “They taught us a few tricks.”

“No kidding,” Michael muses.

When Ryan turns back to him, he’s holding two beers. “So,” the nanny says carefully, “I’m staying in, because I was hoping we could try hanging out again.” He uncaps a beer and offers it to Michael, who takes it in surprise.

“I thought...” he starts.

Ryan bites his lip. “You asked me to think about it,” Ryan reminds him. “And I did. What I said before was a bit rash. Like, it’s natural for us to hang out, it shouldn’t be hard, I live with you. And I realised lately how much I do, uh, enjoy your company. It’s not like I have tons of friends in Baltimore, or the time to make any given that I’m away at weekends. So let’s make this easier rather than harder, yeah?”

Michael listens and nods, holding his bottle up to clink with Ryan’s. “To hanging out,” he says. “I miss it.”

“I thought you might,” Ryan adds. “You’ve always struck me as someone who used to have a lot of bros.”

Michael laughs. “I have a lot of money, I think that’s why I had a lot of bros.”

Ryan frowns and leads the way to the couch. “I think you’re being hard on yourself, but let’s not turn this into a fight. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

“As long as it’s not Disney or Pixar,” Michael agrees, joining Ryan on the couch.

“Fortunately,” Ryan smiles, pulling up the menu on Netflix, “we are prepared for both adult and child-friendly eventualities. I think we can rustle up a little mindless action and violence. Sound good?”

Michael nods, taking a swig of his beer and suddenly feeling a little drowsy. He doubts his ability to make it through a movie, but he likes how comfortable it feels in this scenario, and is keen to take up the opportunity of another go at hanging out with Ryan.

They choose a movie and Michael wriggles further into the couch, kicking his feet up on the coffee table and resting his beer in his lap. After a few minutes, he glances over at Ryan, who catches his eye at the same time and gives him an easy smile that makes Michael’s stomach lurch. Michael forces his eyes back to the screen, trying to suppress the feeling in his gut that’s telling him to reach out or lean closer, instead staying resolutely at his own end of the couch.

When Michael jerks awake a while later, the credits are rolling and his unconscious body has betrayed him. There’s something warm against his torso and the TV screen is tilted. It takes Michael a minute to realise that he’s leaned over in his sleep, coming to rest against Ryan’s body at the other end of the couch.

Moving too quickly to think about what he’s doing, Michael hauls himself up, planting a hand firmly on Ryan’s thigh in the process and causing the nanny to jump beneath him. “Shit, sorry,” Michael mutters, sitting bolt upright and pulling his hand back into his own space.

“It’s okay,” Ryan says slowly, stretching his arms out and arching his back.

“I didn’t mean...”

“It’s cool,” Ryan asserts, catching his eye. “A movie after a long day was ambitious.”

“I meant more that I totally invaded your space more than the falling asleep,” Michael says, blushing harder. “Unless...”

Ryan laughs gently. “You didn’t snore,” he confirms. The nanny glances down at the pale shirt he’s wearing. “Although, you do appear to have drooled on me.”

Michael groans, covering his face with his hands. “Oh man, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ryan smiles. He reaches out to squeeze Michael’s shoulder without sitting up. Michael feels the other man’s touch set something off that runs through his entire body, bringing him back to full consciousness – and then some – very quickly. “I’m a nanny, remember? I’ve had way worse.”

Michael nods and swallows, trying to pull himself together enough to get up, thankful that they’d dimmed the lights before starting the movie. As he’s still trying to convince his brain and his legs to co-operate, Ryan squeezes his shoulder and levers himself into an upright position.

The nanny stands up and Michael looks up just as Ryan’s stretching again, revealing a sliver of skin on his lower back. He grips the beer bottle which he’s still holding tighter and bites back a groan, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing.

“You’re not so fun when you’re unconscious, though,” Ryan remarks. “I’ll have to try and keep you awake next time.”

Michael doesn’t trust himself to look up as Ryan leaves the room. Once he hears the nanny’s bedroom door close, Michael allows the groan he’d been holding in to escape his lips and scrubs a hand across his face.

When Michael eventually makes it to his own bed a short while later, Ryan completely dominates his thoughts. As he thinks over the nanny’s touches and words, Michael scrunches his eyes shut and puts his right hand to good use.


	18. Chapter 18

Michael, Lucy and Ryan have been back in Baltimore for a week and their routine is getting back to normal. Michael sits in his office getting through a backlog of emails, paperwork and paraphernalia which require his signature. None of it is really grabbing his attention, because he’s too busy processing various things which are sticking in his mind.

After their week in California, he and Lucy had flown to New York whilst Ryan spent his usual weekend in Florida. Michael and his daughter had seen the sights – well, the ones suitable for two year olds – and spent some quality time together in yet another city. He’d felt guilty about keeping Lucy out on the road that week – she’d seemed restless and cranky, plus a little confused. After a discussion with Ryan on Wednesday morning, he’d actually cracked and sent the pair of them back to Baltimore that night, so that Lucy could return to her swim class on Thursday and get settled back in at home. It had seemed like a good idea to Michael – water being his stabiliser, the place he always felt comfortable no matter what else was going on, and he’d hoped that had translated to Lucy.

The gamble had sort of paid off, and he’d been able to re-arrange a few commitments in order to rush through his duties sooner than anticipated without worrying about getting back to Lucy and Ryan. Michael had arrived home late on Thursday night, grateful to be back in a familiar spot with his own car, bed and things.

Although it had only been one night – and he’s used to spending nights alone over the weekends – Michael found he had missed Ryan after sending him back to Baltimore with Lucy. He and Ryan had spent most nights together since the sushi-and-movie night. This mainly involved sharing a couch and settling on a box set, but it was nice all the same. Ryan’s tastes veer more towards shows like _The West Wing_ and the original version of _The Killing_ , whereas Michael’s preference is for _Suits_. Michael finds it corny, but they discovered some common ground in _The Wire_ and ultimately settled on night after night of it.

Michael managed not to fall asleep on Ryan again, staying resolutely awake at his own end of whichever couch they ended up on. After their second night of _The Wire_ , Michael’s feeling of a personal connection to the show triggered questions about Ryan’s own background.

The nanny laughed when Michael started probing him about growing up in Florida, and came back with, “You want to watch _Days of Thunder_ tomorrow night or something?”

Michael shrugged, “Never seen it.”

“I wouldn’t subject you to it, it’s fucking awful,” Ryan said a little sadly, with a shake of his head. “Though I hear that _Final Destination 2_ is even worse. And don’t get me started on _Marley and Me_.”

Michael blinked, “I didn’t know Daytona was so well-documented by Hollywood.”

“Dude,” Ryan seemed offended, cuffing him in the arm. Michael tried to focus on the conversation and not Ryan’s touch. “You do realise you’re talking about The World’s Most Famous Beach?”

“According to who? Anyone who’s never heard of, like, Bondi?” Michael laughed.

“In a country where about sixty per cent of people don’t hold a passport?” Ryan retorted. “Not hard to convince them that DB’s the most famous.”

“America needs to get out more,” Michael sighed.

“Preaching to the choir, man,” Ryan shrugged. “I’m the guy who had to get extra pages for his passport, remember?”

“So is it like the movies?” Michael asked, switching the subject away from politics and back to Ryan.

“Have you seen the movies?” Ryan replied.

“I think I’ve fallen asleep through one of the ones you listed,” Michael said, having to think hard.

Ryan stood up, getting ready to head to bed. “Well. I think you should watch them all. And then come and see for yourself.”

Michael watched the nanny curiously. “Yeah?”

Ryan nodded. “Of course. I already told you once that you should get your ass to the sun. Florida’s open all year round, man. Because everyone needs a vacation and we can’t cope with you all showing up at once. Fucks with our chi.”

Michael blinked, taking in the fact that Ryan had used the word “chi” and re-invited him to Florida.

“Well... if you’re sure this time.”

“I was sure last time,” Ryan told him, starting for his room. “Just other stuff got in the way. But I wouldn’t let it again. Drop by whenever.”

Michael isn’t sure how he’d resisted the temptation to re-route Lucy and himself to Florida that very weekend, but he had. Instead, he’d spent most of his idle moments since then trying to figure out when would be a good time to make the trip and, in one particularly sexually-frustrated moment, whether he’d even be able to find someone else to take Lucy, so that he could go alone and make some sort of genuine move on Ryan. Michael’s fear of awkward situations had, however, put paid to that idea pretty quickly.

The idea is back in his mind now, though. Just as he’s flipping through his calendar, trying to find a decent window for a vacation, his phone rings, and he’s sucked into a conversation with his agent about branding and clinics. Which in turn reminds him of something else he needs to confront.

Michael feels as though the recent series of trips was successful – his business needs were met and Lucy, for the most part, had been happy. But he knows that it can’t become a regular thing in exactly the same format, particularly as Lucy gets older and needs even more stability in her day to day life than she does currently. What he’s struggling with is who to discuss it with first: his agent, because, well, the guy keeps his work stuff under control; or Ryan, who keeps the rest of his life straightened out, and has a personal life of his own that needs to fit in with everything.

Michael rubs his temples as he listens to his agent talk, murmuring assent periodically and trying to figure out how to broach an important subject. There’s a knock at his office door, and he shouts, “Come in!” happy for the excuse to end the call and buy himself some more time to think.

He’d expected to see Lucy, but Ryan enters as he’s ending his call. “Hi,” Michael smiles, putting the phone down.

“Oh, sorry,” Ryan says anxiously, starting to back away again. “I didn’t realise you were on the phone.”

“I’m not now,” Michael points out. “It wasn’t important. Is there something you need?”

Ryan nods and approaches the desk a little hesitantly. “Lucy’s napping,” he explains.

Michael smiles and stands up. “Cool,” he says, gesturing to the couch by the window. “Take a seat and tell me what’s up.”

Michael arranges himself on the couch and waits for Ryan to join him. The nanny perches on the edge and, for the first time since he entered the room, it occurs to Michael that this might not be good news.

“Is your mom okay?” he blurts out.

Ryan looks up, even more panicked. “Yeah. Well, I think so. I hope so. This isn’t about that. Well, it is.”

Michael reaches out reflexively and touches Ryan’s hand. “Ryan. Will you tell me what’s going on? Rather than... You’re not making sense.”

Ryan nods and takes a deep breath. “The thing is, my family don’t need me so much at the moment. So I’m only going to go down there every other weekend. And... well, if it’s ok with you, I’ll be here more.”

“Of course it is,” Michael answers immediately.

Ryan seems to let out a breath he was holding, looking relieved. “Great. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to look for a new home.”

Michael smiles and clears his throat. “It’s good timing, actually.”

“Oh?” Ryan asks.

“Well, after everything that happened with this trip – which I’m really grateful for you coming along, by the way – it got me thinking,” Michael continues. “I don’t want to be dragging Lucy all over like that on any kind of regular basis. So it’ll be good if I can be a bit more flexible, take short trips by myself, rather than let it all build up.”

“Makes sense,” Ryan nods, standing up. “I’m happy to be around, just let me know what you need.”

Ryan closes the door behind himself, leaving Michael alone in his office again, thinking about the discrepancy between what Ryan thinks Michael needs and what he actually needs.

*

A new routine quickly develops. Since their return to Baltimore, Michael and Ryan have continued to spend most evenings together. This still mostly involves dinner and TV, but occasionally the activity varies – sometimes it’s a video game, other nights Ryan will read as Michael catches up on emails. It’s comfortable, relaxed. Conversation isn’t difficult, or totally work-related anymore. Michael can definitely feel that a gear has shifted – in a good way – in their relationship, and it gives him hope that there are further gears which can be found, as long as he is willing to be patient.

It isn’t long before either of them take advantage of the new schedule: although Ryan hasn’t officially worked weeknights since his return, he also hasn’t gone out during the week, until the arrangement changes. They’re finishing dinner one evening when Michael notices Ryan glance at the clock. He’s about to suggest a DVD for the evening, when Ryan abruptly stands up and puts his plate in the dishwasher.

“I’m meeting some friends for a catch up,” he offers by way of explanation. “Just a couple of other nannies who’ve scored the night off.”

Michael shrugs, “That’s cool, you don’t need to tell me your schedule.”

Ryan nods. “I know, but...” he says, in what Michael thinks could be a guilty tone. “I’m not trying to run away from you or anything. It’s actually nice, not to have the pressure in the evenings of making interesting conversation unless I want to...” The nanny seems to realise he’s babbling and blushes, making his way out of the room. 

“Ryan,” Michael blurts out, stopping the nanny in his tracks. Michael smiles when Ryan turns. “Enjoy the nanny gossip session.”

Ryan blushes again. “I shouldn’t have told you about that,” he mumbles.

“I think I did at some level know it went on before you told me,” Michael reassures him. “Have fun.”

Ryan disappears, leaving Michael to tidy up the kitchen. A few minutes later, he hears the front door close and leans against the sink, wondering what to do with his evening alone.

Eventually, Michael settles on the couch and sticks the DVD in that he’d been planning to surprise Ryan with. Michael finds himself wishing he’d saved this experience for an evening with Ryan, as he finds himself wanting to discuss various things with the nanny. Not so much geographical questions or any other context, mainly how laughably similar this formula is to other Tom Cruise movies and how he’d actually be intrigued to hear Ryan’s opinions on the dated fashion and hair disasters littered throughout the movie.

By the time the movie ends, Ryan has yet to return. Michael debates finding something else to watch and waiting up for Ryan, but decides to support his earlier inference that he trusts Ryan and doesn’t feel the need to keep tabs on him, and goes to bed instead.

Michael makes plans for his own time out during the first weekend that Ryan’s available to work, deciding that even good dads need a day off every so often. He rallies some friends he hasn’t hung out with in a while, plus his mom and sisters and makes sure his favourite purple items of clothing are clean.

Ryan doesn’t baulk at being asked to work through the weekend and, not for the first time, Michael feels slightly overcome by the urge to kiss the nanny. The plan stays firmly on track right up until Sunday morning rolls around and one of his friends has to cancel at the last minute, leaving Michael with a spare ticket.

A quick text survey reveals that nobody is available at short notice. Michael stares at his phone in disbelief when the replies roll in – because who wouldn’t want to join him at the football? – which in turn causes Ryan to laugh. Michael looks up and Ryan quickly quiets, blushes and apologises. But Michael isn’t annoyed, he’s had an idea.

“Come with us,” he insists.

“You forgetting something?” Ryan asks, jerking his head in Lucy’s direction.

“My sister has a sitter for her kids,” Michael remembers. “I’m sure it’ll be fine to drop her off with them.”

Ryan’s still looking as if the idea is a tough sell, so Michael plays his trump card: “I’m your boss, what I say goes. And I say you come and have fun with me. You can call it a thank you.”

“For what?” Ryan asks, confused.

“Recognition of good service,” Michael bullshits slightly lamely. “But seriously, it’ll be great. Come and spend some time with actual grownups for a change.”

“I...” Ryan starts, before shaking his head. “Yeah, thanks. You’re right, it’ll be fun.”

Michael smiles. “Great. If it’ll make you feel better, you can drive.”

Ryan laughs. “Designated driver as opposed to nanny. That mean I’m going up in the world?”

“It means you’re looking after me rather than Lucy, I guess,” Michael grins. “You got anything purple to wear?”

*

Ryan does, of course, own a variety of purple items. Michael is confused by Ryan’s outfit when he appears in the living room, still getting himself ready to go. He can still count comfortably on the fingers of one hand the amount of times he’s seen Ryan really dressed down and casual, chalking another one up today.

The dark jeans that the nanny is wearing are fairly typical of his day to day wardrobe, but the soft-looking long-sleeved tee which Ryan has on isn’t. Michael tries to focus on identifying the colour of it, and deciding whether it meets the purple criteria, rather than how it might feel against his own skin, what it smells like and the fact that the neckline has buttons which are undone and expose Ryan’s tanned collarbone.

He only realises he’s staring when Ryan raises an eyebrow as he tugs on a navy zip up – that colour’s easy, and Michael knows it’s definitely not purple – and wraps a scarf around his neck. “It’s not purple,” Michael explains a little thickly.

Ryan glances down at his attire with a shrug. “No, can’t argue about the hoodie. But my top’s definitely lilac.”

“Lilac?” Michael echoes.

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Sometimes, you’re such a guy about stuff. It’s a colour, okay? Most of my other purple stuff is super dressy or way too similar to what you’re wearing. You want twin or couple comparisons all afternoon?”

Michael swallows the sentiment that, no, he wouldn’t mind people expressing those opinions, and shakes his head instead. Ryan pulls on his jacket and produces a grey beanie from the pocket, arranging it on his head in an effortlessly artful fashion which convinces Michael that he’s totally done for. He questions his choice to make Ryan designated driver as they load Lucy into the car, but feels that it’s too late to say anything about it now.

When they arrive at his sister’s house, Michael settles Lucy with her cousins and Ryan briefs the sitter in an overly-officious manner. Michael glances over and sees the poor girl looking overwhelmed, and again reconsiders his decision about driving. As he weighs up the options, Michael remembers that the day was supposed to be about himself in the first place, and puts his concerns over Ryan’s failure to relax to one side, knowing that he can’t force the nanny to have fun, but that he can do so himself.

Michael kisses his daughter goodbye and leaves her with her older cousins. He heads over to Ryan and tugs the nanny’s elbow, leading him out of the house with a wave at the sitter. Ryan allows himself to be slightly manhandled into the car and settles himself into the driving seat.

Michael’s in the back, sandwiched between his sisters and trying to answer their various questions about his day to day life and Lucy and what he’s going coming up and their plans for Christmas – which had totally not even featured on Michael’s radar and he makes a mental note to panic about later – whilst at the same time trying to tune them out and overhear the quiet conversation taking place in the front seat between Ryan and Debbie. Michael’s inability to answer questions successfully earns him a smack in the arm from one of his sisters, causing him to turn and scowl at her, returning the abuse with a shove.

It’s not long before the siblings have regressed into a play fight reminiscent of their childhood which goes on for a couple of minutes until Ryan catches Michael’s eye in the rear-view and – in his most authoritative nanny voice which, if Michael’s completely honest, has always done strange things to him – says, “Do I have to pull over and make you all get out and walk?”

Michael shakes his head solemnly, causing both of his sisters to burst into peals of laughter and the fight is in serious danger of re-starting but Ryan’s parked the car and jumped out already, opening the back door and holding his hand out to Michael’s sister in his usual charming manner. Michael takes a deep breath and clambers out of the car after her, pretty desperately in need of a strong drink.

*

Michael makes the introductions between Ryan and his friends as they find their seats and get settled. Drinks and snacks are bought and distributed as Michael catches up with everyone, relaxing into the almost-forgotten rhythm of a day out doing something he enjoys for himself. He’s pleased that nothing about the experience has changed: the noises and the colours and the people are still the same. He was worried that things would be different, having turned his back on one of his passions for a while, but he’s reminded that his best friends don’t care that he isn’t always present, that they just want him to be happy.

It occurs to him that Lucy hasn’t really been a topic of conversation outside of the family, and he suddenly feels ashamed that the person who has the greatest impact on him these days is largely ignored when he’s in social situations, so Michael takes the opportunity to open up when pushed. He passes his phone around, struck by how his photo stream has become dominated by pictures of his daughter, when it used to be private jets, clubs, bars, beaches and golf courses. It’s the first time in a long time that he hasn’t had to worry about what anyone might find when his phone leaves his hand. The topic settling on his daughter also allows Michael to bring Ryan into the conversation, and the nanny soon has everyone laughing with an amusing anecdote from Lucy’s most recent play date.

As the teams emerge and the crowd gets louder, Michael’s phone returns to his pocket and he’s focused on the game. He’s picked up over the last few months that Ryan – for some bizarre reason – prefers college football to NFL and gives the nanny a quick rundown of the players, throwing in various stats for good measure. Ryan looks at him like he’s grown an extra head, and Michael pauses mid-flow to let the other man take it all in.

“Did you swallow an almanac or something?” Ryan asks, bemused.

“They’re my team!” Michael protests. “Of course I know stuff about them.”

“Dude,” Ryan laughs, “there’s stuff and there’s their entire life histories.” He shakes his head in amusement. “And you think some of the people who know all kinds of things about you are crazy.”

Once the game starts, Michael throws himself in, hollering along with the rest of his friends and letting himself go. He catches Ryan’s eye a couple of times during the first quarter, sharing a smile with the nanny but trying not to think too much about how great it is to be spending time together outside of the house and without Lucy. At the back of Michael’s mind are their previous disastrous outings, but he tries to convince himself that this is different – they’re with other people, they’re not drinking together, and that there’s a first time for everything. Though that thought sets his brain down a completely different path, and Michael quickly finds another drink and re-focuses his attention on yelling at the officials to distract himself.

Michael’s friends try several times to draw him into conversations, and each time Michael finds himself pulling Ryan in, asking what he thinks, listening carefully to the nanny’s response and grinning when he makes a joke.

Overall, Michael is pleased with how the game is going at half time – it’s proving to be a good day to be a Ravens fan, and to have chosen to make his comeback in support of them. As he dashes to the bathroom during the break in play, Michael decides that the game going well is also a sign that he and Ryan won’t fuck this outing up, and smiles in satisfaction at his theory.

When he returns from the bathroom, he stops and watches his friends with Ryan, who’s scooted over into Michael’s spot to talk to some of his friends and is chatting animatedly with them. Michael smiles to himself, pleased that the nanny doesn’t feel awkward and looks at home in the relaxed environment.

Having taken in the view for a couple of minutes, Michael makes his way back to his seat, tapping Ryan on the shoulder with a smile. “You’re in my spot,” he tells him.

Ryan ends the conversation he was having and turns to Michael with a smile. “Sorry, boss,” he replies, scooting back to his own place. “Can I get sir anything?”

Michael shakes his head. “Just a win.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Ryan laughs, turning his attention back to the field and cheering again.

The action lulls a bit and Michael takes his boredom out on the referee and the umpire with a spirited stream of language which has Ryan raising his eyebrows and murmuring, “Easy, Dad.”

Michael crowds closer to Ryan than strictly necessary and asks, “Remind me who your boss is?” He feels Ryan quiver in response and allows himself a smirk as he leans away again.

Ryan himself pipes up rather strongly a few minutes later and Michael frowns. “Do we need to recap the rules? There was nothing wrong with that.”

Ryan blushes, fiddling with his scarf and rubbing his hands before shoving them in his pockets. Michael’s brain clicks and he holds his hands out to Ryan, who pulls his hands back out and places them in Michael’s without missing a beat.

Michael covers Ryan’s hands with his own, bringing them up towards his face to gust a warm breath over them, rubbing their hands together between his. He glances up at the field as a cheer goes up and hollers along with the rest of the crowd, still distractedly trying to warm Ryan’s hands up. He glances back at Ryan when the action settles down again, offering him a smile which the nanny returns.

Something catches Michael’s eye behind Ryan and he leans forward to look at his mom, who’s giving him a distinctly strange look. Michael stops moving his hands but doesn’t let go, glancing from his mother to the nanny and down at their hands. Ryan wiggles his fingers between Michael’s and clears his throat, slowly pulling his hands away from Michael’s grasp.

Michael smiles reassuringly at the nanny, who’s blushing again and making a concerted effort to focus on the game. Michael pats his pockets down and produces a pair of gloves, handing them to Ryan who puts them on gratefully and resumes yelling at the field with renewed vigour.

The Ravens ultimately cruise to a win, but it’s no less exciting for Michael than any other win he’s witnessed and his excitement goes up several notches during the dying seconds, punching the air and cheering loudly, before throwing his arms reflexively around the nearest person. On this occasion, that’s Ryan.

The nanny flings his arms around Michael in return, their bodies pressed tightly together as Michael holds Ryan close with one arm, high-fiving his friends with the other. He squeezes Ryan’s shoulder as he turns back to look at the nanny, still flush against him. Michael’s heart hammers in his chest as he meets Ryan’s gaze with a grin, and he has to think twice – no, three times – to remind himself that grazing the back of his free hand over Ryan’s cheek would be inappropriate right here and now, even though it is all that he can think about doing.

He can almost see Ryan’s thoughts skipping through the same process, and Michael feels a rush of cold air as Ryan loosens his arms and steps back to let him go. The nanny smiles slightly at him, before turning and making his way through the stands with Michael’s mom and sisters. Michael turns to accept another round of backslaps and high fives from his friends before leaving, and wishes that he’d found the nerve to do what he’d really wanted with Ryan.

*

Michael’s mom and sisters are returned home safely and Lucy falls asleep in her car seat the minute Ryan starts the engine. Michael leans back in his seat and closes his eyes, re-living the highlights of the game and the day in general in his head. It had felt good to let go and be closer to his former self – not having to watch his language or his behaviour, finding out what his friends are doing at the moment and bragging quite a lot about the fact that he somehow had a hand in producing a very cute toddler.

The car rolls to a stop and Michael turns his head, opening his eyes and meeting Ryan’s, who smiles at him. “What’s the betting you pass out and Lucy’s wide awake when we get home?” the nanny asks with a chuckle.

“Short odds,” Michael replies with a yawn. “You hungry?”

Ryan nods. “Want me to stop at the drive through?”

Michael groans in agreement. “Definitely.”

Ryan pulls in at the next opportunity and relays their order at the window. As they wait for their food, Michael talks to keep himself awake. And because he’s still feeling the buzz of more beers than he’s used to and it’s loosened his tongue.

“Apparently it’s nearly Christmas,” he remarks less eloquently than he’d hoped.

Ryan smiles tolerantly and indulges him. “So I hear,” he replies. “You been good this year?”

Michael exhales, contemplating the question. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

Ryan considers this carefully. “I think you have. You’ve got a happy kid, you’ve been great about my... stuff. My money says you’re on the nice list this year.”

Michael smiles back. “Thanks man,” he replies. “I bet you are too.”

Ryan falls quiet as he pulls the car forward to collect their food, passing it off to Michael who immediately dives into the bags and grabs a handful of fries. He offers the bag to Ryan, who waves him away and focuses on pulling out into the traffic.

As Michael eats, he comes up with another question. “What’re you doing for Christmas?”

Ryan doesn’t turn to look at him, but answers quietly. “I don’t know, I was hoping we could talk about that soon.”

Michael nods, chewing another handful of fries and swallowing before making a statement. “Have two weeks off,” he insists.

Ryan’s head spins round to look at him in disbelief. “What?”

Michael repeats himself. “Have two weeks off. Go top up your tan. You deserve it.” He punctuates his offer with a smile, trying to convey that he really is okay with that arrangement.

“I...” Ryan stammers.

Michael holds his hand up. “No arguments. It’s great to finally have you back. Lucy loves you, you get what I need... I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want you to be happy. So go and take a real break. Come back in January all rested and stuff.”

“Uh,” Ryan blinks, still lacking eloquence. “Thanks. I’ll, uh, book myself a flight then.”

“Do,” Michael nods emphatically, pleased with his decision. “Just promise me one thing.”

“Name it,” Ryan agrees.

“I want a postcard,” Michael grins.

Ryan bites his lip, signalling as he pulls onto the driveway. He parks the car and turns to Michael, reaching into the bag on his lap and grabbing a handful of fries. “So come and get one,” he winks, shoving the fries in his mouth and getting out of the car.


	19. Chapter 19

Without Michael noticing, November turns to December. The spotlight focuses in on him again as the new year begins to dawn and the press remember that the Olympics are approaching. Michael finds himself constantly reminding people that he’s retired and that, yes, that decision is final. It starts to piss him off; that people think it’s as straightforward as diving in and running off to trials. On more than one occasion he’s tempted to spit, “You do it then, if it’s so easy” at an interviewer. What distresses him more is that he’d thought that side of his personality was dead and buried, that he’d grown calmer and more mature. But apparently not, apparently he’s still open to provocation.

Michael’s glad in these moments that he’s chosen a different approach for the moment, that although he misses his daughter, he knows it’s better to take himself away for two days and a night in order to honour the commitments that haunt him from his former life. He worries that Lucy might one day look back at all of this and ask why she wasn’t included, why he never mentioned her. He hopes he can find the words to tell her that he loves her and wanted to protect her, that this was a consequence of his actions and he wanted her to make her own choices. And then he boxes his concerns off, saving them for when they undoubtedly hit him in the face in the future.

The rational part of Michael knows that all pain is temporary and that good things don’t last forever – though the memories do. With this in mind, he resolves to make the most of every opportunity presented. Which is why, two weeks before Christmas during his final trip to New York of the year, he books a last-minute appointment. It could delay his arrival at his final commitment, which could then make him late for his flight home – Michael ignores the alarm bells in his head which remind him that there’s snow forecast – but he knows that this is his chance to make an important statement. With the decision made, Michael adjusts his schedule and gets to work.

*

Michael’s flight isn’t delayed, but it also isn’t a private one. He’s even less in the mood for a commercial flight than he usually is and wishes he could just disappear. But aeroplanes offer no hiding places and, although it’s only a short trip, he’s forced to spend much of it smiling awkwardly and signing autographs.

The minute the plane touches down he bolts for the door, hops into the waiting car and breathes a sigh of relief to be alone and almost home. It’s late, and Lucy’s already in bed when Michael enters the house, but he doesn’t care. He’s done with work commitments for the year and ready for a break, time to relax with his daughter and family, re-grouping before Olympic year kicks off.

Michael enters the house quietly and closes the front door behind him, leaning back against it and closing his eyes. He exhales steadily, trying to relax and let everything go. He focuses on everything there is to look forward to about the next three weeks and smiles to himself.

He feels rather than hears an additional presence in the foyer but keeps his eyes closed, taking another breath to steel himself for the onslaught of an over-excited but cranky daughter who shouldn’t be awake. But he hears heavy footsteps rather than girlish squeals, and something cool and hard nudges his fingertips.

Michael opens his eyes to find Ryan offering him an easy smile and a cold beer. He takes the bottle, raising it along with a matching smile in greeting and takes a pull.

“Welcome back,” Ryan says quietly. “Dinner’s ready when you are.”

“Thanks,” Michael replies, smile widening. “It’s good to be home.”

“I bet,” Ryan nods. “Your Christmas starts here.”

“It does. You eaten?”

Ryan nods already. “Yeah, sorry. I had some other stuff I needed to do, so I ate with Lucy.”

Michael shrugs and sets his beer down to remove his coat. “It’s okay. Means I won’t feel guilty about taking a shower first.” He hangs his coat up and retrieves his beer, taking another pull as he heads upstairs, Ryan staring a little dazed after him.

*

When Michael enters the living room, freshly showered and having housed his first beer, he feels more relaxed. Ryan’s on the couch, TV playing a random sitcom as he sketches intently.

“You want a drink?” Michael asks as he heads past to seek out some food.

“Mm, yeah,” Ryan replies distractedly.

Michael locates the leftovers – noting that Ryan’s yet again constructed a meal that his mom wouldn’t be embarrassed to serve and that Michael wouldn’t have a clue how to assemble – and puts some in the microwave. He uncaps two beers and takes one through to Ryan, glancing down at the sketches as he does so. He’s intrigued to see that Ryan seems to be adding to his tailoring collection and, as he looks a little closer, Michael notices similarities between the outfits.

“I’m gonna have to start going to fancier places. Or running more charity dinners,” he comments.

Ryan looks up, startled at first but then blushing. “You don’t... I mean... no,” he stammers.

Michael shrugs. “I’m a bit of a shitty muse if I don’t actually wear your creations,” he reasons. Ryan blushes harder, shaking his head and looking down at the pages in front of him.

“Actually,” Michael continues, “I have something for you. And I should really show you before I eat. Wait here.”

He disappears upstairs again and rummages through several bags in his room, forcing himself to breathe and think calmly as he does so. Before returning to the living room, Michael gives himself a quick glance in the mirror, digging out some old hipster glasses as a last-minute accessory.

Ryan’s perched on the edge of the couch, back to the door and anxiously twirling a pencil around his fingers. Michael clears his throat and steps into the room. When Ryan turns to look at him, Michael’s glad he found the courage to fix his gaze on the other man’s face, because the stunned expression is one he wishes he could’ve captured with a camera. Michael can’t resist a grin in response.

“Holy...” is all that Ryan can manage to breathe. He stands up slowly, almost as if he expects the vision before him to combust if he upsets it.

“What do you think?” Michael asks, standing in front of Ryan. The nanny gives him an appraising head to toe look before stepping behind Michael and smoothing the jacket he’s wearing across his broad shoulders. Michael bites his lip and closes his eyes, trying to conjure unsexy thoughts as his muscles quiver involuntarily beneath Ryan’s touch.

The nanny steps all of the way around to stand in front of him again and nods. He swallows before finally offering his assessment: “It’s... good. Considering he didn’t have a lot of time, David’s done a great job.”

Michael fights back the urge to roll his eyes. “He has,” Michael agrees instead. “But that’s because you gave him a fantastic design to work with.”

Ryan reaches out and rubs Michael’s lapel between his finger and thumb, as if convincing himself that this is real. “I guess we all got something out of it,” he says quietly, looking up at Michael with a smile. “You got a suit, David got some business, and I got a design into production.”

Michael smiles back, watching the reflection of the firelight dance in Ryan’s eyes and losing himself for a moment. “This isn’t the only thing I got you,” he tells Ryan.

The nanny surveys him quizzically and Michael continues, “You didn’t notice the gift for you under the tree?”

Ryan shakes his head, dropping his hand and breaking the spell a little. “I assumed they were all for your family.” He glances over his shoulder at the tree and Michael follows his gaze, taking in the giant pile of gifts and understanding Ryan’s point.

He moves over to the tree and locates the gift he was referring to. As he bends to pick it up, Michael spots an unfamiliar pair of presents. Ryan clears his throat. “If we’re, uh, exchanging gifts, that little one’s from me to you.”

Michael picks up the smallest present and returns to Ryan, handing him the present he’d prepared. “You first,” he encourages.

Ryan takes the parcel from Michael, turning it over in his hands and carefully undoing the paper. He holds the unwrapped box in one hand, removing the lid with the other and smiles instantly. “I did return yours, you know,” he smiles, pulling the items out to inspect them closely.

“I know,” Michael replies. “But I still thought you should have your own. Even though you won’t need them until you get back.”

Ryan sets the box down and puts the soft leather gloves on, flexing his hands. “Perfect fit,” he remarks.

“Well one of your arts and craft projects had to come in useful,” Michael explains, nodding towards the fireplace. Ryan laughs, relaxing a little.

“Totally wasn’t my intention, but I’m glad I sparked some inspiration in you,” he grins. 

Michael blushes, choosing not to let Ryan in on the fact that he almost got a double paycheck instead of a present, as it had taken him so long to think of something. For the past two weeks, he’d returned home every day to Ryan and Lucy creating a different bedazzled decoration or foodstuff, and inspiration for the nanny’s gift had finally struck when he’d arrived just at the point when hands were being drawn around in order to create a chain of reindeer. His own hands had been used for the project too, and after Ryan and Lucy were in bed, Michael had discreetly captured one of the deer in order to see out his plan. The staff in the department store had given him a slightly strange look when he’d presented his festive template, but their eyebrows soon lowered when he insisted he wanted the best they had in Ryan’s size.

“Thank you,” Ryan says. “This was really thoughtful, given that you can’t be my personal hand-warmer all the time.”

Michael’s heart beats a little faster and there’s a rushing in his ears, which he has to actively shake off. He distracts himself by turning the small gift Ryan had prepared over in his hands, tearing the paper noisily to Ryan’s amusement.

As the paper drops to the floor, revealing a small jewellery box, Michael’s pulse finds another gear and he’s sure that Ryan must be able to hear his heart hammering too. He wills his hands to remain steady as he pops the box open and his eyes widen in genuine surprise.

“We were on a similar theme,” Ryan remarks as Michael brushes his fingertips over one of the items in the box. “Here,” the nanny reaches out to remove it from the box, “let me.”

He unfolds one of the cufflinks and pulls the sleeve of Michael’s shirt beyond the cuff of his jacket, undoing the cufflink which is already in place and setting it on the coffee table. He puts the new link in place and tilts the material so that Michael can see, looking back up at his boss to see his reaction.

“It’s corny,” Ryan murmurs, reaching into the box for the other cufflink and fitting it to Michael’s opposite sleeve, “but I know you miss her. So I figured this was a good way for her to be... present.”

Michael tilts his wrist to survey the new additions to his outfit. He fits his own thumb against the groove which bears Lucy’s print, feeling the exaggerated whorls and loops beneath his skin, marvelling at how this unique imprint somehow bears his own code.

Realising he’s been quiet for some time, Michael shakes himself out of his daydream. “Thank you,” he says simply. 

Ryan smiles back at him. “You’re welcome.”

Michael’s stomach lurches and, much as he would like to think that it’s just Ryan’s devastating smile and thoughtful gift which are responsible, he also knows that it’s getting late and he’s hungry. “I’ll, uh, go and change. Don’t want to get food on this.”

“Before you do,” Ryan bites his lip. Michael waits for him to finish the sentence. Ryan fishes out his phone and waves it nervously. “May I?”

Michael nods and takes a step back, trying to throw a decent pose to show off the suit. Ryan nods and snaps a couple of pictures, blushing slightly. “I might’ve told my mom...”

Michael smiles, “I’m sure she’ll love it. She’s got a lot to be proud of.”

Ryan shoves his phone back into his pocket. “I’ll go and re-start the microwave.”

Michael shakes his head. “Pick a movie. It’s the last one for a while so make it good. I’ll fix dinner when I’m done.”

As Michael slips out of his new suit and returns it to the garment bag, he replays everything that happened since he got home in his head, and starts to formulate a plan.

*

The plan enters stage one on Christmas morning. Michael is surrounded by family members attempting to remain civilised when removing festive paper from toys, items of crockery, jewellery, items of clothing and other longed-for presents. In an act of synchronicity that Michael couldn’t have planned if he’d tried, his mother and sisters unfurl identical items of paper simultaneously and let out a variety of noises ranging from, “you didn’t?!” to “okay, what do you want from us?”

“Some quality time,” Michael replies simply. “How long is it since we all went away together? I mean as a vacation: not for a swim meet or a photo shoot or a golf tournament. Just to relax. In the sunshine. Maybe with some giant mice and ducks and dogs.”

His niece has climbed into her mother’s lap and is reading the piece of paper Michael’s sister is clutching. “Are we going to Disneyworld?” she yells, bringing the rest of the room to a standstill.

Michael can’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Yes,” he grins. “Yes we are.”

*

And it really is that simple. Two days later, Michael and his family are on a jet bound for Florida. It’s not just the kids who are excited by the private plane experience, some of the adults seem overwhelmed too, and Michael briefly worries that the villa he’s managed to secure will push them over the edge. But as he sits with his daughter in his lap, gazing out at the clouds and picking out shapes, he’s glad that he made this a big trip: it’s nice to be surrounded by noise, laughter and happiness for a change. Looking back on his own childhood in recent weeks and remembering how it was dominated – happily so, but dominated nevertheless – by swim meets and practices and not a whole lot of time for anything else, Michael has made the decision to cherish the time that’s available. He honestly doesn’t care if is daughter takes up a sport professionally or not, but he does know that she won’t want to be clinging to his legs forever.

Their arrival at the villa is greeted by a torrential downpour, which all of the adults are thankful for. His sister and her husband draw the short straws and land themselves with the grocery run, leaving Michael, his other sister and their mom to settle the kids with some games and figure out their plans for the next few days.

It turns in a complicated negotiation between the desires of his nephew (Universal for Harry Potter), his niece (Princesses at Disney, despite getting teased by her brother for being too much of a girl) and Lucy (who has no idea what she wants until she spies the Seaworld brochure amongst the stack and, of course, latches onto the animals immediately), but they manage to map out a schedule eventually and agree to start the following day.

As the kids chatter excitedly throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, Michael knows he’s lucky that his family loves him, because there’s clearly precious little sleep to be had for the adults.

*

Michael isn’t sure how, but he manages to wait until their second evening in Florida when he’s alone in the back yard before texting Ryan.

_[Michael: Don’t kno if it got lost in Xmas post bt got sick of waitin for postcard.]_

He attaches a picture of himself and Lucy in the obligatory mouse ears beside the castle taken earlier that day in the sunshine.

Once he’s hit send, Michael puts his phone down and places his hands on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water and trying not to hold his breath for a reply. It turns out that he doesn’t have to wait long.

_[Ryan: Knew u’d crack. Jst remembr no visit to FL is complete w/o trip to world’s most famous beach.]_

Michael’s stomach flips and he feels for a moment as if he might topple into the pool. He formulates a reply with what he hopes is an appropriate level of innuendo, but realises that he’s still not entirely sure how to flirt with his employee.

_[Michael: Might b tough sell for Luce – guidebook says no large stuffed mice or real turtles.]_

_[Ryan: No guidebook necessary when u kno a local. Hit me up if u run out of mice.]_

When Michael heads inside a minute later, it takes everything he has to settle himself into bed, rather than grabbing his car keys and flooring it to the world’s most famous beach.

*

Lucy spends the following day at Seaworld looking and squealing as if she’s died and gone to heaven. Michael even briefly thinks she may be over her horse obsession, but that hope is crushed when her cousin tries to explain seahorses to Lucy and she gets horribly confused before spending fifteen minutes crying for Michael to take her to see a horse. This episode proves to be at least partially caused by exhaustion as she falls asleep on his lap a few minutes later and sleeps the entire way through the dolphin show.

Following the slight horror of a public meltdown, Michael crosses himself and Lucy off the list for the trip to Universal the following day and begins their day outside in the pool instead. It’s now several days since they’ve had some quality time alone and Michael finds himself grateful for it, splashing around with his daughter in the sunshine.

As they’re towelling off, Michael’s mom appears on the deck, startling them both. “I thought this was supposed to be a vacation for you too, Michael,” she explains. “I can watch her, give you a break.”

Michael falters, his carefully-laid plans thrown by his mother’s intervention. He’d had it in his mind to take Lucy and drive out to Daytona after New Years, casually letting Ryan know once they’d already arrived and hoping that he’d be free to meet up. But it appears foolish to ignore an opportunity like this, so he nods dumbly at his mother and kisses his daughter, making her promise to be good and that they’ll go and see Minnie and Mickey again the following day.

When Lucy spots her grandma bearing cookies, Michael’s off the hook and kisses his mother gratefully before getting changed, scooping up his keys and hitting the road.

*

Michael makes the slightly unwise decision to call Ryan from the car. He knows it’s risky, but he figures it’s less painful than arriving only for Ryan to be otherwise engaged.

“Florida tourist office at your service,” Ryan answers in an overly-bubbly tone. “How may we help you today?”

“I’d like to take a tour,” Michael grins, playing along.

“Well, sir, I hate to tell you this but the Everglades are closed today for routine maintenance,” Ryan tells him in a terrifyingly-authentic apologetic tone.

“That’s okay, I was looking for something further north.”

“Hmm, now, let me see... are you in the Miami area? South Beach has a lot going on right now...”

“I’d actually heard a rumour that Florida is home to the World’s Most Famous Beach,” Michael says. “Is that true.”

“Well yes, sir, it is indeed!” Ryan exclaims. “We have limited availability today, Daytona is incredibly popular but we should be able to squeeze you in. What time would you like to start?”

“I’ll be there in an hour,” Michael tells the nanny. “Text me your address.”

“Right away, boss,” Ryan agrees immediately, slipping back into his normal voice before hanging up.

*

An hour later, Michael pulls up at the address Ryan sent him and cuts the engine, taking a moment to compose himself. He checks his messages quickly, just in case there’s some Lucy-related disaster ready to kill his chances of a day in the sunshine with Ryan and finds that he’s in the clear.

He gets out of the car and finds him face to face with a grinning Ryan who immediately pulls him into a tight hug. “Welcome to Florida,” he says enthusiastically.

“Do you do that for everyone or is that special treatment?” Michael asks, pulling away and looking Ryan up and down, taking in his relaxed demeanour and the ten-shades-deeper golden tan he’s now sporting.

Ryan winks. “Just the ones who look like they might be big tippers.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Michael jokes. “I’m notoriously hard to please.”

“So are my friends,” Ryan tells him more seriously. “I, uh, have a few people here today.”

He starts to head up the walkway to the house, turning when he doesn’t hear Michael follow. Ryan stops and waits. “You forget something?”

“No, uh,” Michael falters. “If you’re busy...”

Ryan smiles. “The more the merrier. We’re just hanging out, come and join us. Don’t worry, we won’t let you leave without seeing the sights.”

Michael catches up to the nanny and starts to follow him towards the back yard.

“Just... do one thing for me?” Ryan asks.

“Sure,” Michael agrees.

“Don’t believe a word they say when they tell you anything about me,” Ryan pleads.

Michael laughs. “I reserve the right to hold judgment and use anything I hear today against you for the rest of time.” Ryan groans and Michael flings an arm around his shoulder grinning.

*

Over the course of the next couple of hours, Michael is introduced to Ryan’s close circle of friends and male relatives – it’s revealed during the course of the proceedings that the female contingent have disappeared for a day that doesn’t involve cooking and cleaning up, so the guys have been left to fend for themselves. There are a few murmurs at the beginning which seem to revolve around criticism of Ryan’s boss crashing his vacation, but it seems to take one quiet word from Ryan to his closest brother for the whispers to stop and the crowd to drop their guard and welcome Michael to the fray.

Gradually, Michael learns names and hears stories and shares a little about himself, relaxing into the easygoing atmosphere that Ryan and his friends have created. The fridge is steadily emptied, and once their drink supply has been exhausted, the group starts to trickle down the block to a favourite haunt which sells pizza by the yard.

With an amount of pizza housed that Michael feels even his swimming teammates wouldn’t have been ashamed of, they pile into a variety of cars and head for the beach, where the remainder of the day is spent in and out of the water, tossing a football or Frisbee around and working on their tans. As Michael sits back and watches at one point, he can see why Ryan misses this life – friends he has who he’s just as comfortable around as the ones Michael has in Baltimore; family members who care deeply about his happiness and success, plus the atmosphere and weather that Florida has to offer. When he thinks about it, he’s not sure why anyone would ever want to leave, and he feels a pang of regret at being the one to keep Ryan from this.

As he’s rolling these thoughts around his head, the nanny wanders over and flops down next to him. “So is DB worth the trip?” Ryan asks.

Michael puts his hands behind his head. “Absolutely. I now totally understand why flying back on Sundays was hard work for you.”

They fall quiet, watching the scene in front of them shift from afternoon to evening. The temperature has dropped a little and most of the beach has cleared. Ryan’s friends and brothers begin rounding up their belongings, shoving items under arms and over shoulders to load up the cars and head home.

“Is there anything we’ve missed?” Michael asks, trying to nudge Ryan back toward the easy companionship they’ve shared for weeks now back in Baltimore.

Ryan thinks for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, there is.” He stands up and offers Michael his hand, hauling him to his feet and glancing around at his friends. When he seems satisfied, Ryan starts to walk further down the beach, away from their parking spot and beckons for Michael to follow him.

They break away from the group and as they walk, they approach a bend that Michael hadn’t noticed before. As they walk around the beach, a rocky cove comes into view – totally unexpected and quite different from where they’d previously been sat. When they’re out of sight from the main beach, Ryan comes to a stop and watches the water. Michael stands next to him, breathing in the ocean air and watching the sun begin to melt towards the horizon.

“This place is better in the mornings,” Ryan tells Michael. “But evenings aren’t exactly bad.”

Michael nods his agreement and maintains his gaze over the ocean. “I used to come here before morning practices,” Ryan continues, “even though that’s technically the middle of the night. But as you’ve now seen first hand, my life isn’t exactly quiet. This was where I got my peace. No siblings arguing, no coaches yelling, no parents shouting. Just the ocean and the tide.”

“It’s nice,” Michael murmurs. “I get it.”

They stand and stare in contemplative silence as the darkness of the evening transcends, the waves lapping in and out on the beach. It’s only when he shivers due to a sudden drop in temperature that Michael thinks to look at his watch. He feels Ryan’s eyes on him and looks up to meet the nanny’s gaze.

“We’d better go,” Ryan says. Michael wants to protest that he’s not a teenager on a curfew – though he does think suddenly that he should’ve clarified with his mom just how long she was willing to stay with Lucy – but it doesn’t feel like the moment for a joke. And he’s not sure what he’d be wanting that statement to say other than the literal meaning of those words, so he turns and follows Ryan up the beach.

The drive back to the house is eerily quiet. They’re only in the car for ten minutes, but Michael thinks it might be the most excruciating ten minutes he’s ever spent with Ryan. He wonders what changed, whether he’s done something to cause this shift.

Michael replays the day in his mind, from the moment that Debbie demanded he disappear to standing on the beach with Ryan, but he can’t find a flaw in it. Ryan had invited him over, so it can’t have been that he had intruded on something. He felt like he’d handled Ryan’s gregarious friends and family well, avoiding his usual standoffish approach and diving straight in to the melee. He and Ryan had hung out and talked and laughed and it had all been fine. 

His train of thought stops when Ryan parks the car. Michael looks out through the windshield, wondering who should speak first. Ryan drums his fingers on the steering wheel. Michael knows it’ll have to be him.

“I had a great time today,” he says quietly. “Thanks for having me.”

“No problem,” Ryan replies. “Glad I could help you out with the loose end you were at.”

Michael wants to lean forward and pound his head against the dash. Because Ryan’s inexplicably dropped back into employee mode just when Michael again thought that he was making some headway. 

He doesn’t though. He forces himself to stay composed, unbuckling his seatbelt and reaching for the door handle to get out of the car.

The next thing Michael knows, Ryan’s flung his left arm over and has Michael’s fingers in a tight grip, preventing him from pulling the lever. Ryan takes Michael’s chin in his right hand, bringing him round so that they’re facing each other. The nanny quickly closes the gap, pressing his lips to Michael’s.

It’s an impulsive kiss, full of urgency and nerves. Michael hasn’t seen it coming, didn’t have time to take a breath. So it’s partly that and partly the shock of Ryan going from not speaking to him to... _this_ that has him startled rigid and with no idea how to react.

When Ryan pulls away, leaning back just a couple of inches, Michael wants to curl up and die. That was it, he knows now. That was his chance, Ryan had done what Michael had wanted for so long, and he’d blown it by tensing up and failing to respond. He’d known that, if the miraculous did happen, he couldn’t push it and go anywhere near shoving his tongue straight down Ryan’s throat or going in for a grope, but he should’ve given some indication that he was into it, rather than freezing like some terrified virgin.

Fortunately, now that he’s summoned some courage, Ryan doesn’t give up. He loosens his grip on Michael’s fingers briefly, before squeezing again a little more gently. At the same time, he slides the hand on Michael’s chin back along his jaw, cupping the side of his face.

This time, Michael takes the cue. He takes a breath just as Ryan closes the gap again – slower this time, more measured – and brushes his lips against Michael’s once more. Ryan tilts his head, building the pressure, and Michael shifts his hips, turning towards Ryan. He twists the hand Ryan’s holding, pushing his fingers forward to lace through Ryan’s and bringing their hands down to rest on his own knee.

Michael parts his lips, offering Ryan an opportunity which he takes without hesitation, flicking his tongue and eliciting a soft moan from Michael. Ryan withdraws a few seconds later, gasping slightly and immediately searching Michael’s unfocused gaze.

Much as he wants it, Michael senses that hauling Ryan into the backseat and trading blowjobs is not the way forward. Similarly, he knows Ryan’s response could be something he really doesn’t want to hear, but the question needs to be asked. “What changed?” he asks softly.

Ryan swallows, getting his breath back and gathering his thoughts. “I couldn’t do it anymore,” he replies. “I just...” he laughs and looks away with a smile and a shake of his head. Michael waits, but the silence is killing him, so he squeezes Ryan’s hand in what he hopes is a reassuring way.

The nanny eventually looks up at him again, expression open and honest. “You’re pretty fucking hard to resist,” he says. “The way you’ve looked after me, it’s... above and beyond. It made me see you differently. And once I saw that, I started seeing other things and then it was just this slippery slope of falling for my boss and not knowing what the hell to do about it.”

Ryan laughs again. “Because this is crazy. It’s a ridiculous way to start off. We live together. You pay me to look after your daughter. And I still need to work, but I don’t know if I can still work for you and...”

He leans over and kisses Michael again, as if he’s run out of words and is trying to make his point via the kiss. Michael sort of gets it, definitely enjoys it. Ryan laughs again. “See what I mean about irresistible?” he murmurs against Michael’s mouth. Michael nods, still dumbstruck.

Seeing as he doesn’t know what to say either, Michael leans in and kisses Ryan. The nanny sinks into it, relaxing under Michael’s touch, giving him the courage to reach out and place his free hand on Ryan’s hip.

“I guess you have to get going, though,” Ryan murmurs when they eventually break apart.

Michael nods, looking down at their entwined fingers and running his thumb over Ryan’s hand, eliciting a shiver from the other man. “Promised Lucy we’d go and see the mice again tomorrow.”

“Not the dolphins?” Ryan murmurs.

Michael groans, shaking his head. “No. I only just got out of there alive and without having to explain why we can’t tow the tank back to Baltimore.” Ryan laughs in response.

Michael pauses, thinking about aquatic creatures again. “Thanks for her Christmas present, by the way.”

Ryan shrugs. “No problem. I hoped that she’d love it and it wouldn’t piss you off.”

“Of course she did,” Michael rolls his eyes. “You can be the one to explain that we don’t bring the turtle home from the aquarium, though. But it means she can visit as much as she wants so hopefully that’ll do.”

Ryan nods silently. Michael squeezes his hand and lets go, knowing that he’s taken them back to the point of needing to have a difficult discussion. He rubs his hands over his thighs as he tries to think of what to say next.

Ryan gets in first. “Please don’t,” he says quietly.

“Don’t what?” Michael looks up, startled.

“Ask me to go away and think about it. To figure out how I feel or what I want.”

“But... why not?”

“Because I already knew. And now I know what I have to do.”

“And that is?”

Ryan takes a deep breath this time and turns to look at Michael. “I quit. Again.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a flashback to (and continuation of) the previous chapter - that's the bit in italics, just to be clear!

Try as he might, Michael can’t get his mind off Ryan the next day. He had been prepared for this, but he had thought it would be for a different reason. He analyses the day repeatedly, trying to figure out exactly where it went wrong, what prompted Ryan to rush towards him and then so quickly pull away. But Michael’s at a loss.

His attention being persistently diverted by his bubbly toddler doesn’t help, and it’s not Lucy who notices the fact that he’s distracted. Michael’s playing with his daughter in the pool when his Mom appears with drinks for them both. Lucy scrambles out quickly and sits on a lounger sipping her drink and babbling away.

Michael knows that Debbie is itching to ask what’s going on. He’d usually allow her to press ahead, giving mildly sassy responses to duck her questions. But he’s not in the mood this time. “Don’t, Mom,” he says instead. “I’m not ready.”

Debbie’s floored by Michael’s directness and just gapes at him. If Michael weren’t feeling so miserable, he’d high five himself and wish he’d taken this approach long ago. “I need a minute, can you watch Lucy for a second?” he asks, taking the opportunity whilst his mother is silent to get what he wants. She nods and Michael heads inside, shutting himself in the bathroom.

Michael leans against the counter, staring into the mirror as if his reflection will answer his mental plea for help. He gets nothing, of course, so his brain helpfully replays his final conversation with Ryan yet again...

*

_Ryan gets in first. “Please don’t,” he says quietly._

_“Don’t what?” Michael looks up, startled._

_“Ask me to go away and think about it. To figure out how I feel or what I want.”_

_“But... why not?”_

_“Because I already knew. And now I know what I have to do.”_

_“And that is?”_

_Ryan takes a deep breath this time and turns to look at Michael. “I quit. Again.”_

_Michael stares at Ryan for a moment before speaking. “After all of that,” he says, surprised by how even his voice is, “about this being impossible and a stupid way to start... you want to make it harder?”_

_“I’m... I’m not,” Ryan stammers, “that’s not what I’m trying to do.”_

_“No?” Michael’s voice rises. “Well that’s what it looks like from here.”_

_“But it won’t work if we try and do it with how things are at the moment,” Ryan protests._

_“Why not?” Michael asks, genuinely shocked that Ryan can’t see the picture in his own head – that they go back to Baltimore, he stops paying Ryan, they share childcare, Ryan pursues what he loves in his spare time and they all live happily ever after. “It’s what, that’s too easy? There needs to be a struggle, we have to do it the hard way so that we appreciate it more or something?”_

_“I... no. Just... I need to be me. Without you,” Ryan explains unhelpfully._

_“What?!” Michael’s completely confused. “How does you without me get us together?”_

_“It made sense in my head,” Ryan mumbles unnecessarily._

_“Oh I’m glad it’s working for one of us!” Michael yells, reaching for the door handle again. This time, Ryan doesn’t stop him._

_Michael gets out of the car and storms over to his own. “You know what, Ryan? Just like always, we’ll do it your way. I’ve waited. I’ve tiptoed. I’ve done everything you seemed to need. So I don’t see why that should change now,” he shouts, forgetting that they’re in the middle of the street. “Go and work somewhere else and do something else if it makes you feel better. As long as you’re happy.”_

_“I wasn’t trying to make this difficult,” Ryan protests. “I want to give us a shot. Why have you assumed that it won’t work that way?”_

_“Because I know you,” Michael retorts. “You’ll throw yourself in to whoever takes you on next, getting all loyal and intense and there won’t be any time for us. Me. Lucy. So what’s the point?”_

_Ryan flinches as if he’s been hit. “So that’s it?”_

_“You’re the one who resigned,” Michael points out, getting into the car. “In fact, don’t worry about working your notice this time. I’ll manage. You can go and get stuck into whatever you want to do instead of being with me.”_

_Michael doesn’t pause to allow Ryan a comeback, he pushes the key into the ignition, starts the engine and pulls away without looking back._

*

Michael spots the unfamiliar vehicle near his house the moment they pull into their street upon their return home. Instinct tells him it has Florida plates and, as they draw closer, he’s proven right. As they pull up outside the house, the front door opens and Ryan emerges with his brother, both of them carrying boxes. Michael successfully distracts Lucy from Ryan’s presence by urging her to grab her things, and notes slightly angrily that Ryan has also deliberately ducked out of view.

Ryan and Michael ignore each other: the nanny focuses on fitting his belongings into his brother’s car, and Michael concentrates on ensuring that Lucy leaves nothing behind. Michael makes the best possible use of his daughter by having her carry some of her things whilst he handles the rest, meaning that by some miracle they get everything from the car to the house in one trip. He closes the front door behind himself and lets out a sigh of relief.

His daughter, of course, requires immediate attention and he dutifully follows her through the house in search of refreshments, forgetting that they have no food in. Michael groans and longs for the days when a quick call for pizza and beer would’ve been sufficient. Instead, he now faces the prospect of a trip to the supermarket with a cranky toddler whilst he tries to remember which items are essential for their survival until his housekeeper returns from her vacation.

Michael snags the last available juice box from the kitchen, hands it to Lucy and explains their mission. She nods seriously – which he knows means that they’re going to come home with more sugary snacks than are strictly necessary – and takes his hand, leading him back out of the house.

When Lucy opens the front door, she’s met by Ryan, hand raised ready to ring the doorbell. Lucy immediately squeals with delight and Michael notices the pained look which flickers across the nanny’s features as he scoops the child up. Good, Michael thinks, he’s realised what he’s missing out on.

“Can I talk to your Dad for a minute?” Ryan asks Lucy. She glances between the two men, frowning, but eventually nods. Ryan sets her down and Michael takes her hand.

“We really have to go,” he says, trying to brush Ryan off.

“It’ll only take a minute,” Ryan insists. “Please.”

Michael presses a button on the remote in his hand, unlocking his car and looking down at his daughter. “Wait in the car, Luce,” he instructs. “I’ll be there in a second.”

Once Lucy is gone, Ryan speaks quickly. “I was hoping to be done before you got home.”

“Clearly,” Michael snorts. “You just wanted to disappear.”

“It’s not like that...” Ryan protests feebly. He sighs, running a hand through his hair, trying to gather himself. “I’m sorry to do this again. Do you need any help until you find someone else?”

“We’ll be fine, thank you,” Michael replies briskly. “I’m sure I’ll find someone soon.”

Ryan nods. “Okay, just thought I’d...” he trails off, avoiding Michael’s gaze and fiddling with the keys in his hand. “This is everything,” he announces, pressing house and car keys into Michael’s palm. “I really did think we could try, you know.”

“From where I’m stood,” Michael retorts, “it looks like what you’re trying to do is run away.” He brushes past Ryan and strides towards his car, gets in, checks that Lucy is buckled up and pulls away quickly. Because filling his cupboards suddenly became far more important than being knocked back by Ryan again.


End file.
